Childhood Wounds in Adult Relationships

Transcript

Why Love Sometimes Hurts

Speaker 1 0:00

Have you ever been in love with someone who made you feel small , unseen , like no matter what you did ? It was never enough , and you told yourself it was a part of love , that relationships are supposed to hurt sometimes . But what if I told you that pain has nothing to do with them . It has everything to do with your childhood and what you were missing . Hi , I'm Coach Deron . I help people heal from emotional wounds , break toxic habits and rebuild themselves from the inside out . If anything that I share is of value , feel free to buy me a coffee . There's a link in the description below . Also , I'm meeting with 50 of my subscribers . The purpose of meeting with you is to hear your story so that I can create content that truly resonates with my audience . If you're interested in meeting with me and speaking one-on-one , there's a link in the description to that as well . Anyways , let's get into it . Let's talk about why love keeps hurting and how to stop repeating the past . In this podcast , we're going to break it down to four different sections . First , we're going to discuss what you didn't get growing up . Next , the pain as a familiar pattern . Three , trauma repetition . And lastly , how to rewrite this Now .

Speaker 1 1:11

Many of us didn't grow up with emotional safety . Maybe our parents were busy all the time and when they did spend time with us , they were emotionally checked out . Or maybe love was based off performance how good were your grades , how well behaved were you , how quiet could you be , how well you took care of others and put their needs before your own . So either you grew up feeling invisible or being too much . Either way , it's dangerous . That's the kind of love that you earn by shrinking yourself . Dr Gabor Marte said , when we're children and our needs aren't met , we don't stop loving our parents , we stop loving ourselves and whether you're conscious of it or not , there's patterns that you had in your childhood that shows up in your adulthood and those patterns they linger into your relationships . You feel like maybe if I just give enough , they'll like me more , Maybe if I just do more , I'll be able to get the things that I want out of them and eventually they'll give me love . But we all know from a personal experience that that's not the way things work Now , because pain was a part of our emotional experience growing up .

Speaker 1 2:15

It's something that we seek . We seek that dynamic in our own personal relationships , and all of this is happening unconsciously . You find yourself being attracted to someone who cannot fulfill your needs . Rather than finding someone who's healthy for you , who fully sees you , you find someone that makes you feel invisible , that makes you feel like you have to keep giving in order to receive love , that you have to be perfect to be perfect . These are the type of people who keep you guessing that you never feel completely stable in that relationship and they break you down into pieces . But here's the catch You're not unfixable . The reason that this is happening is because your nervous system is triggering you and gravitating you towards this kind of person , which makes you feel like home . It makes you feel comfortable . Within that dynamic , you might tell yourself , you might even believe that you're actually chasing love , that this is what love is supposed to feel like . But you're not chasing love . You're chasing what's familiar with you .

Speaker 1 3:16

A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who emotionally avoid caregivers are 53% more likely to seek out emotionally unavailable partners as adults . It's not weakness , it's wiring . This is what psychologists call repetition compulsion . Your mind replays a tape of your childhood , hoping that the outcome will become different . You choose partners who remind you of emotionally distant or critical parents . As I stated earlier , as a child you don't think there's anything wrong with your parents If you're not receiving that love . You think there's something wrong with you . You think that you need to do more . You need to give more . You're not perfect . Something's wrong with you and if you can just do more , you'll get the love that you've always been seeking . Now you don't seek these types of partners because you just enjoy pain . You seek these types of partners because you feel like eventually , one day , if I just give enough , they'll give me an ounce of love or give me the love that I'm actually seeking , and then I'll feel healed , I'll feel like I was enough . But you can't fix the past through someone new . That's not their burden . This is healing that has to happen within you . You have to feel like you're good enough before you can find a partner that's good enough for you .

Speaker 1 4:34

Here's a quote from Alice Miller the way we were treated as children is the way we treat ourselves as adults . Until you unlearn this pattern , you'll keep calling pain love . Now here are three ways in how you can rewire your mind . One recognize the pattern , Don't romanticize it . The push-pull , the unpredictability , it's not chemistry , it's a wound . Two choose safety . Learn to be attracted to consistency , not intensity . Three validate yourself Journal . Speak to your inner child , Reassure them , you're already enough . You don't have to learn love by suffering .

Speaker 1 5:19

Neuroscience research shows that self-validation practices such as mirror work and affirmations reduce emotional reactivity over time by strengthening the prefrontal cortex , that's your emotional regulation center . That means the more you practice calm , the more you start craving peace over chaos . Love shouldn't make you feel like you have to prove yourself . Love shouldn't make you feel like you're an emotional survival If it hurts more than it heals . That's not love . That's a pattern . To know love , we have to invest time and commit . Dreaming that love will save us , solve all of our problems or provide a steady state of bliss only keeps us stuck in a wishful fantasy . Real love starts when you stop chasing people who feel like the past . You start chasing people who feel like home , Like comment , subscribe and I'll catch you next time . Peace .