Philosophy for Life
Welcome to the Philosophy for Life podcast, hosted by Darron Brown, where we explore the profound questions and timeless wisdom that shape our existence. Join us on a journey of self-discovery and intellectual exploration as we delve into the depths of philosophy, spirituality, ethics, and the human experience. Through thought-provoking discussions, engaging interviews, and insightful analysis, we seek to unravel the mysteries of life and uncover the underlying truths that guide us. Discover practical insights and philosophical perspectives that can enrich your daily life, challenge your perspectives, and inspire personal growth. Whether you're a curious seeker, a deep thinker, or simply someone passionate about understanding the complexities of our world, Philosophy for Life is your gateway to wisdom and enlightenment. Subscribe now and embark on a transformative quest to gain clarity, find purpose, and embrace the profound beauty of existence.
Find me: https://linktr.ee/darron.r.brown
Philosophy for Life
Self-Love with Dr. Saloni Singh
What if your path to becoming a better leader starts with embracing self-love? This episode features the remarkable Dr. Saloni Singh, a life and leadership coach with a unique transition from gynecology to spirituality and psychology. Dr. Singh shares her compelling journey and emphasizes how childhood conditioning shapes our self-acceptance and impacts our roles in leadership, business, and personal relationships. Get ready to explore the intricate connection between self-love and how we interact with the world around us.
Join us as we discuss the delicate balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement, sparked by Dr. Singh's transformative encounter with spiritual mentor Dr. Robert Holden. We delve into why understanding oneself as inherently good and loving is crucial for genuine growth and betterment in various life roles. Through engaging stories and practical insights, Dr. Singh highlights the importance of self-awareness, accountability, and effective communication in fostering stronger relationships and personal growth.
Discover the profound impact of self-love on leadership and personal well-being as Dr. Singh shares actionable tips for incorporating self-love rituals into daily routines. Learn how nurturing oneself through meditation, journaling, and conscious breathing can reduce the need for external validation and build a robust sense of self-worth. Listen in for a fresh perspective on finding true happiness within and leading with purpose and fulfillment. This episode promises to inspire and equip you with the tools to cultivate a more harmonious and self-loving life.
Hey everybody. This is your host, Duran Brown. This is the podcast Philosophy for Life. I have with me Dr Saloni Singh. She is a life and leadership coach. She also touches on a lot of different subjects like spirituality, self-love, self-mastery, things of that nature. Dr Singh, can you give yourself an introduction?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm a former gynecologist. First of all, thank you so much, Daron, and I want to check before we start. We hit off straight away. Am I pronouncing your name right, Daron? Right?
Speaker 1:It's Daron.
Speaker 2:Daron.
Speaker 1:Okay, daron I don't make a big deal about it. I don't make a big deal about it because people have been getting my name wrong since I was in kindergarten.
Speaker 2:So I really want to get it right. Duran right, I hope so.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I am a former gynecologist, a doctor, and, following my calling, my purpose in life, I want you to always work into spirituality, psychology, in the field of human mind and heart, more than the body. So I became a life coach and currently I work as a spiritual life coach for CEOs, for leaders. I stay in India with my family, with my husband, who is also a doctor, and I love helping people connect with their spiritual core, their inner essence, and operate from that area in every area of their life, whether it's life, business, relationships, all of it.
Speaker 1:Okay. So just taking a look at your YouTube channel, I did notice that you touched base on self-love and things of that nature.
Speaker 2:And I'm wondering what is the connection between self-love and life and leadership, everything, everything, I would say, because I believe, and this is what I've seen in my own life experience in so many of my clients. So I've been working as a coach around for now 17 years, so about more than about two decades really. I've been working and working with people earlier I was working as a doctor, now as a coach and I've seen that one of the biggest challenge with humanity is that we don't accept and love ourselves. And what happens, imagine, when I don't love and accept myself, when I'm constantly being critical to myself, not feeling good enough, feeling inadequate, always, you know, putting myself down and judging myself.
Speaker 2:Naturally I judge other people, naturally I judge situations, circumstances, and I keep finding fault. In life as well, I judge life. So, actually, the true power and tapping into your potential whether it's you are a CEO, whether you're a leader, whether you're a father, mother, whoever you are, in any role begins with loving yourself first, which means having these loving, soft, accepting eyes for yourself and feeling that you're enough. And when we start from that place, love starts to flowing through us. I can love you, I can love everyone I can, can love humanity and whoever comes in touch with me, whoever interacts with me, start to get that piece of love from me.
Speaker 1:Yeah why do you, why do you feel like people don't accept themselves?
Speaker 2:wonderful question, daron. I feel that, as much as I have experienced with many of my clients and my own journey, it comes from our childhood, our upbringing, because of and it's not our parents fault at all, not their parents, of course as well it's a process of evolution. So, human beings, because we came from a place where we were really fighting for our survival when we were, you know, in living in caves and all, but our mind still is evolving, so our parents didn't feel they were enough, they were struggling for survival and maybe they were doing good, but somewhere they were always feeling, oh, we can do better. And that's what they told their children. So we were told that I can do better, which means I'm not already enough. When we tell a child, you have to be good, do this, behave properly and be good, when we say to a child, be good, there is a subconscious, subliminal message behind that you're already not good enough. And children absorb that message very, very subconsciously and when we grow up we become our parents and the way our parents used to tell us.
Speaker 2:So, for example, my clients say first time I went on stage and the moment I came down the stage, you know what happened. The first thing I thought, oh no, I missed that, I could have done that better, this better. And I asked them tell me, what do you really do good? And then they think, oh yeah, actually I was connecting, I was high energy. So it's a habit that the very first thing we do we criticize ourselves maybe most of. I would also not saying that every parent does it. But let's be honest here. Most of the parents usually look at the child and say, oh yeah, you're doing good and you could do better if you do this. Or or some parents would straight away say, oh yeah, you've got 80%, but you know, 10 children have got 90. Or you've got, yeah, a grade, but somebody has got better than you. So it's always kind of competition and we have been taught, we have been conditioned this way, from parents, teachers, society.
Speaker 1:And how does the inability to accept oneself impact romantic relationships?
Speaker 2:interesting question big time again. If I'm not feeling enough, what would happen? Two things I'm constantly looking for validation from my partner romantic partner. I'm constantly looking for that. I don't get that, then what happens? I feel unloved, I feel I'm not important and I start to put that energy on the other person. I feel inadequate, insecure. Somewhere I'm just putting the blame on the other person. Maybe they are making me feel this way. So most of the time it's like a shadow. We're not realizing that we are projecting our own insecurity on the other person. That's one piece of it. The other piece of it is when I'm judging myself I'm not enough, I also see other people in the same light. I'm constantly looking for what they're not doing right, what is not enough there. So, yeah, they're also not doing this. Oh, I want to, you know, go for a date, and my partner is not enough there. So, yeah, they're also not doing this. Oh, I want to, you know, go for for a date, and my partner is not making enough effort to do this.
Speaker 1:So we constantly look for things which they are, you know, lacking their flaws, because I'm looking at my flaws so it's become like, you know, attitude towards life yeah, the reason I asked you that question is because there's a lot of people on the internet that discuss, um, things like heartbreak, and then you know, the opposite sex are fighting each other and, uh, a lot of it is rooted in a people are giving, investing into a person because they believe they have to be a certain way to get that person, and when they don't get that person, it's like they lose themselves and they lose out on the person. And people don't understand that they would have healthier relationships if they prioritized, worked on their own self-development, also knew how to enforce boundaries and know when it was time to be. I would say, be open enough to work things out with your partner, because sometimes there has to be like a balance, you know, compromise.
Speaker 1:There are going to be times we have to compromise, but self should come first and I think a lot of us, a lot of us forget that. Even myself included. I forget that yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:Me too, me too, me too, yeah, absolutely. So we all are work in progress. So, as a coach, I don't say that, okay, I'm living 100 perfect life, but if we are working on it, if you are able to see the mask, okay, in the relationship, I'm trying to be somebody and not being myself. We are starting from a wrong point. Then then naturally that are we allowing other person as well to just be themselves. So it's the same thing if I'm okay with my flaws and there's a much better chance that I would be okay with your flaws as well, and we can be honest with each other gotcha, I have another question for you, because this is a journey.
Speaker 1:I want to know a little bit more about you. I'm curious when you started your own self-love journey, what did that, what did that look like and what did it involve?
Speaker 2:into Long journey. So I would say 2009 was the year 2008,. I resigned from my job as a gynecologist. I was working in London at that time in NHS and I was very lucky, very fortunate, that when I was doing my qualification into life coaching, I came in contact with my first spiritual mentor. His name is Dr Robert Holden. He's the guy who was working in Louise Hay and he wrote this book, happiness Now. And Robert was doing happiness coaching.
Speaker 2:This was completely based upon self-love, understanding who you are, and a very meditative journey based on meditations. That was the beginning of my own spiritual journey and I first time realized I am so critical of myself. I'm constantly judging myself and after this I think it was a seven-day program of happiness coaching certification when I came out, I just felt for the very first time overwhelmed with love, with self-love, and what came out of that work, of the certification, was that the only reason that I am not loving myself enough, because I'm constantly judging and trying to be a better person. I wanted to be a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter, a better coach, which means I wasn't enough.
Speaker 2:So these things were linked. But when I started to feel that, okay, I have certain good things and some imperfections. I have awesomeness as well as flaws, and I can accept it all because this is all of me, my darkness as well as my light. And the more I embrace my darkness, the more light I come into. And that's where the journey began and I noticed, the more I loved myself, I was softer with my kids, I was much more loving with my husband, so I knew it's working very well. And that's how it began by first becoming aware, self-awareness was the first point.
Speaker 1:Okay, how does that journey look like? Because I'm into self-improvement, I want to always work on myself and self-improve. But then how do you find a balance between accepting yourself for who you are, where you're at, knowing that you're good enough, but then also implementing self-improvement?
Speaker 2:Brilliant question. So I remember this quote by my mentor, robert. He used to say that no amount of self-improvement can compensate for the lack of self-acceptance you have. Compensate for the lack of self-acceptance you have. Yeah, oh, wow, and it's very important. What is self-acceptance? That's where people go wrong, daron.
Speaker 2:So when I talk about self-acceptance, I'm a self-acceptance advocate and I work a lot with leaders on. It's amazing how, senior leaders, they just show a very confident face to the world, but inside they don't accept themselves. That's the most of the work I do and I ask them what does it mean? And most of the time they say, oh, so I reacted yesterday, so does it mean I accept it? I got angry yesterday with my child? Does it mean I accept it? I accept everything? How will I then improve? So exactly the question you ask what is the balance? So?
Speaker 2:So first thing is what is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is knowing who I am. I am an unconditionally beautiful, loving being. I'm a pure loving soul and yet sometime I lose my temper and sometimes I react and sometimes I yell at my child, so I lose it, and sometimes I'm really mean with my husband. Sometimes, yeah, I was not very kind towards my team member. That doesn't mean I am an impatient, angry, mean person. That means I am somebody who's really loving and caring, a good human being. I'm enough.
Speaker 2:And yes, I have all different emotions, which means when I accept, I give an example to you. If I accept I'm a very patient mom, is there a better chance that next time when I get angry with my child, I would take a pause, go back to my patients and maybe go back and apologize? Or when I believe, oh my God, and maybe go back and apologize? Or when I believe, oh my God, I'm the worst mom ever and I'm so impatient I get angry very quickly and I just don't know what to do. Which are the chances that I will improve better? Most of the people know the answer. Most of the people know that when you believe you are patient, you are loving, you naturally start to improve. So I'm not saying you prove that. Oh yeah, I can get angry and that's okay. I'm not saying that. Accepting that, yeah.
Speaker 1:You have to have a certain degree of self-awareness and confidence to even take that journey, because I know that there's people who, when they do do wrong, instead of taking responsibility for the things that they've done, they actually try to blame somebody else for what they've done. You know. So how, how does accountability, like, how does somebody become accountable for their actions? And you know to order, yeah, how does somebody become accountable for their actions in order for them to actually start working on this journey?
Speaker 2:So you're absolutely right, ron. These people usually are insecure people. They're very fearful people. Trust me, there's a psychology. You know there was a survey done on bullies. The people who bully others are actually very insecure, extremely fearful, and because they don't want to show their fears, they don't want to show their vulnerability, their insecurity, they start to bully others, they start to blame other people, and that happens in adults as well.
Speaker 2:So first step to know is that what is my insecurity? What is my fear? If you really want to go on this journey, sit with yourself, journal, write, reflect whatever you need to do to become aware of your own hurts. As they say, hurt people hurt people. So we need to know what is that insecurity? Where I was not loved in as a child and still I'm carrying that hurt. What was the traumatic part of my, you know, childhood? Usually it comes from childhood insecurities. It could be teenage as well and doesn't have to be big trauma. It could be something very simple. Maybe you were made fun of in the school, maybe something happened you know. You came home and your parents were not happy with your performance. It could be something very small or big, doesn't? So once we become aware of our own insecurities, our own fears, and we sit with it, we accept it. That's where the journey begins.
Speaker 1:Okay, the reason I asked you that question is because I was in a wonderful relationship a while back with somebody for about eight months and then the last five months it went horrible because you know, once you get past the honeymoon phase then you always get to know each other and I did some things, I was accountable for my actions, but then when this person did something, they never took responsibility for their actions and I was kind of like I caught onto that and it never things didn't resolve because there was no accountability. Things never got resolved. So I was wondering, like how you know, if you never take action, you never take responsibility for your part, you know that that growth process doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:No, you're asking me, but I want to ask you did you, did you communicate that to your partner?
Speaker 1:Because they were not taking accountability. So did you communicate that gently to them? I did. We, when it first happened, we took like a week to brief and like met up and we had lunch together and I mentioned that. You know, know, I didn't like that. I'm trying not to give all the details, but basically I didn't like that. Yeah, that you had said this or you had done this, and, um, the person that's denied is like huh, no, I didn't do that, I didn't say that.
Speaker 2:No, I was like, yes, you did no, and I want to sorry go ahead what I was about to say.
Speaker 1:I'll finish. I'll finish. So when it happened, I registered that because it had never happened before in the relationship. It was like great for a while, you know, and once I, after that conversation, we continued to see each other. But I remembered that that moment I was like this person is like not taking accountability for the things that they do and I and I already I already concluded that there's some kind of fear around being imperfect or being wrong. You know had nothing to do with me, I can tell. There was some kind of insecurity that had nothing to do with me that was going to damage the relationship potentially.
Speaker 2:Absolutely right. I'm sorry, I was cutting you because I wanted to make a point and I hope it will help you and the listeners as well. Daron, what happens in these situations is the language we use is extremely important. I don't know whether you use the exact same language, but I will take what you just shared with us that you did this. The moment you use the term you as a human being, what happens?
Speaker 2:Think when I say you did this, instantly our defense mechanism goes way high and now the person cannot listen to anything else. They can't listen a word. The only thing they want to do is survive, because the mind goes into survival mechanism, because I've been blamed, which means I'm at attack. Somebody is attacking me. I have to survive right now and the survival instinct will not let them listen anymore. Take accountability afterwards.
Speaker 2:So this is so important, especially in close, intimate relationships, that whenever you want to make a strong point, you use we call it in communication. You know trainings I sentences. So when this happened happened, for example, they said something, they got angry, they reacted. When this happened and I noticed this was going on, I felt really hurt, I felt disrespected, I felt that I wasn't loved, I felt I wasn't supported and it's and you can always add, maybe it's not at all, even about me. Maybe you were going from something, you were going some through something, maybe you were stressed even though that was happening. I'm sure something was happening for you and yet it made me feel this way and I wonder what can you do about it? Can we do something about it? Because I don't want to feel this way in this relationship, because I know, you know, we really like or we have this beautiful relationship and I would love to feel this way.
Speaker 2:Can you see the difference.
Speaker 1:Yes, I definitely see the difference. My background, I'm a, I'm an ex, I played college football and I almost played professional football. So I've been around pretty assertive type of people for a long time, like you know. So people telling me, hey, you didn't do this, right, you did this. I don't take that personal, so for me I don't even think like that. You know. So that could, that definitely could have played a part. And, um, there was a.
Speaker 1:There was another situation I'll share with you. There was a moment where what happened? She had blew up out of nowhere about what had happened. We were trying to set plans and I had towards like, hey, you know, just, if we can't make plans, if we can't make official plans, just get back to me when we know, when you know what your schedule is. And then she just lashed out like bye, bye. She lashed out at me. I didn't respond to it, I didn't like I didn't feed the fire. I kind of just was like, okay, I'm not gonna respond to that. And then the next message I got a day later was blaming me for a bunch of a bunch of different stuff. I was expecting an apology for like lashing out, but then it was like the person was trying to justify the lashing out by bringing up a bunch of stuff unrelated to even the conversation. So I was kind of thinking like it was the same kind of fear of uh, doesn't want to be accountable. That's the connection I got from that I got it.
Speaker 2:I got it. I think it's so much more than that. I would say so much more than this. I would highly recommend there's a book called nonviolent communication Amazing book, and that really addresses how we are communicating something which feels like violence to other person, like you were feeling, you were, you know, being lashed out. Other person is not realizing so what is happening is actually we don't know what's happening for the other person. She doesn't know what is happening for you and you don't know what's happening for the other person. And there's a gap. There's a huge gap in communication in that moment and nonviolent communication. There's a training. It actually is a training-based program and the book itself gives a lot of insights.
Speaker 2:If you would like to go or your listeners would like to go to it and simply, for example, in this example, when you tell the other person, you know, will you tell me what happened, what made you feel so bad that you got so angry? So it's about really coming from a space of I don't know. I don't know what happened for this person. This person is a good person, but if they're lashing out, something is going on for them. If you really stay centered and you ask the other person, they might also calm down and tell you Actually, because if somebody is lashing out in that moment, they are feeling threatened, they are feeling something, something strong emotion. There's a strong emotion. That's why they're reacting, but you on the other side, who's taking the reaction?
Speaker 1:is feeling bad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I love everything you're saying you're getting what I'm saying. Yeah, because this person is like again survival instinct, like, oh my god, something happened to me, I need to give it back. So she is lashing out. But you like, it's like for you. You are at the brunt of it and you're like, oh my god, why it's coming on me. And now the other person is feeling so bad and let down. Now the gap is even more, because you don't know what other person is feeling and other person doesn't know how you're feeling and you feel, oh, they don't want to take accountability. So much, more than that.
Speaker 1:You're right. You're right, I didn't even think about that, but you're right. I would love to check out this book because there was a gap between communication.
Speaker 2:I love that and I highly recommend coaching as well. I highly highly recommend coaching and therapy for couples because this gap, this can create so much struggle in couples. So much struggle because actually nobody is. You know, you trust the person, but you just don't know what's going on here. The gap is huge, not understanding each other. Yeah, just a little help with a little right communication can go a long way in understanding each other and supporting each other.
Speaker 1:You're right. You're right. I'm glad that we had this conversation. I just learned something really deep Okay, I want to know do you have any personal experiences where practicing this kind of self-love or self-awareness has impacted you in some kind of significant way, Like your level of self-awareness? Was there a moment where your level of self-awareness improved and you can see how it impacted you in your daily life?
Speaker 2:Absolutely Every day. It impacts every single day. But I tell you big, big circumstances in my life Since COVID, you know I've been going through a lot. A lot of family members have gone through a lot. My father has been extremely unwell. My daughter has gone through a lot of emotional.
Speaker 2:You know, as a teenager, my sister and I've noticed, when I'm in complete acceptance of myself, what happens is something magical happens. You start literally believing that, no matter what is happening outside of you, life has got your back, universe has got your back. You just start to feel this force of life, you know, being with you, literally supporting you, no matter what's going on. And I can say that with confidence because, no matter what the tough situation was there, I might be just outside the. I might be, you know, literally handling a teenager crying and howling, but I could stay grounded because I know that I'm rooted in self-love. I'm rooted in my faith, complete, and it's not a blind faith, it's like trust. I trust life is supporting me. I trust the situation it's just a passing phase, it will pass. I just have to be here for my loved one.
Speaker 2:If I'm going through something, I know there is support, there's support. Life is always supporting me, so I think that begins with self-love. A lot of people ask me, like I know your, your podcast name is philosophy for life. So this is my philosophy for life that life is always working for me. I have this, you know, undeterred, unwavering belief and trust in life, in this universe, and that began when I started to love and accept myself, when I felt I'm an integral part of this universe. And why would life not love me and support me? Life has brought me here. It's obvious that life loves me and supports me, and life is always working for me. Yes, external situations might be difficult. There are challenges, hardships, in everyone's life. All have different kinds of challenges, every single one of us and we are evolving through that, and when we have this trust, this journey becomes so much easier.
Speaker 1:How can somebody start implementing like self-love rituals into like their, their daily life?
Speaker 2:yeah, sure, absolutely. That's very important. The actionable things. Something very simple I would say to run is just start with 10 minutes, please.
Speaker 2:Even if you are a very, very, very professional, if you can't take 10 minutes, think like why are you working, even, what are you doing with your life? Think like this really, 10 minutes, start with morning. When you get up. The first 10 minutes no phone, no gadget, no emails, nothing. Just nurture yourself, hug yourself, go out. If you have some garden grass, walk on that grass. If you don't have a garden, if you have a balcony, go out, look up the sky, feel the connection with this universe. If you can sit in silence, just five minutes, five minutes sit in stillness and silence, put your hand on your heart, feel your breath, feel your heart, feel your body, feel that, yes, you are loved and supported. Think of someone who loves you, think, look at yourself from their loving eyes. That's all.
Speaker 2:And if you can add more time, I can tell so many different things, like journaling. Just write down I'm. My day is going to be absolutely amazing because I'm going to bring beautiful energy. No matter what happens, I'm going to stay grounded and centered and remind yourself when, let's say, some trigger comes. You're stuck in a jam and you're getting late for your meeting and you're like, oh my God, traffic is not moving.
Speaker 2:Breathe, conscious breathing and, even if you don't do anything, two minutes of conscious, mindful breaths, deep breaths. Your breath is a life force. Just feel the beautiful energy of your breath and supporting you, no matter you're sleeping, you're eating, you're doing whatever Imagine, this miraculous breath is just supporting you. Your heart is always supporting you. Feel that. Feel that, feel that love and gratitude, and that's where you will start to develop self-love. If you want to go, this last thing I would say is, if you want to go even more, mirror talk. That is my favorite technique, and Louise Hay was one of the metaphysical teachers who brought mirror talk. So mirror talk is you go to the mirror, you look in the mirror and you say hello, you take your name and you say I love you and I know you're loved, you're supported, I'm here for you till your last breath. So you really give this love to yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah you mentioned earlier something about how, asking yourself, um, it allows you to be a better mother, a better wife, etc. I'm wondering what ways has uh, has I want to say, embracing self-love impacted your personal relationships?
Speaker 2:big time, big, big time. Yeah, because you know what happens when I wasn't loving myself, I was constantly looking at her from other people from outside. Okay, if my daughter hasn't come to me, said good morning mom, and if I want a hug and she hasn't given me that hug, I will feel bad and I'm constantly looking for my needs to be met from outside. Of course I'm not saying I still have needs. I still want my daughter and my husband to hug me. But when I'm loving myself, when I get up in the morning, I have full two hours for myself. I never compromise on that. So I have two hours. I meditate, I journal, I do yoga, I go for a walk, I listen to music, I love to dance. Whatever I do, whatever my heart says, I do that and I'm ready. I'm like, okay, doesn't matter, if my daughter is sleeping, I can go and give her a hug. If my husband is busy, I can say oh, come here, I will give you a hug. So I'm ready for the world.
Speaker 2:So having the self-love practices really rooted in my self-love, first and foremost, it reduces the need for external validation. If I'm doing good, I'm patting my back. Oh, my God, you're doing awesome. I'm starting a podcast next month and I'm like I'm doing awesome. Nobody, you're doing awesome, I'm starting a podcast next month and I'm like I'm doing awesome. Nobody needs to tell me I'm excited for my podcast, I'm. So what happens is people say, oh, you don't need external validation. But we don't realize that if I don't have enough validation as a human being, I need it. And how, where do I get it from myself? You cannot deny that as a human being, we all need validation. As children, you know, when you draw something, what did you do? You showed your mom.
Speaker 2:Mom, look, look, look, look, what I've drawn because I, as a child, it's a need for attention on validation and as an adult also, you have an inner child, always intention, always need validation. Now the the adults outside. You know external people. They might give or might not give, so you are always dependent whether they will give or not. You might be single, you might not have children, you might not have family members around you who would validate you In the corporate world. Really, you get validation right.
Speaker 2:So if you do not validate yourself, you're going to feel down. You, you're gonna feel low in energy, you are not gonna feel nurtured and nourished. So you give that validation to yourself. A healthy balance, I tell people, is 80 20. So if 80 of your validation is coming for yourself, like, oh my god, I'm gorgeous, I'm beautiful, I'm awesome, I'm doing great, I'm having a beautiful day and okay, maybe I made a mistake, but I can do better next time, I'm improving, I'm evolving, Then you will need very little from outside. But imagine what happens if you have very little from your own self, let's say 10, 20%. You have a huge need to get validation from outside. You're constantly thinking what people are thinking of me. Do they think good about me, are they? Oh, they are not giving me likes on social media. Oh my God, my friends are not liking. People are not liking my posts. You're constantly looking for validation from outside. That's a lose-lose game.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've definitely played that game and failed and lost. We all have, we all are learning.
Speaker 2:We all are learning.
Speaker 1:I want to say so. Why did you decide to focus on leadership? Because these principles apply to a variety of different things. Why do you focus on being a life and leadership coach?
Speaker 2:being a life and leadership coach. So it was not like that in the beginning, with the very first niche I had. Earlier on, when I started my life coaching journey 17 years back, I was in London and my first client was a family. I was coaching their teen daughter and the parents, the whole family I was coaching. I was a parent and teen coach For many years. I did that, I think, as I kept evolving in my own spiritual journey. My clients kept changing. So I always tell people I didn't choose life coaching, it came to me, it chose me. Same way, my niche keep choosing me. Then I became a relationship coach. Couples started to come. Those parents said you know what my marriage is breaking, can you help me? I'm like, okay, I'll coach couples. So I coach couples for a few years and since COVID covid, rather just a few months before covid, you know, hit. I started to.
Speaker 2:Many leaders started to come to me. Many ceos were coming to me and saying, especially in covid times, you know, I have everything, I'm at the top of my game, I'm successful, I have this company, money's there. I'm feeling empty inside. I'm not happy in my marriage, I'm not happy in my relationships. I don't feel I have purpose, I want to find my purpose, I want to work with you and that's where I was like oh, wow, I love this because I'm leading from my purpose and these are very deep spiritual conversation. I really enjoy this.
Speaker 2:Now I don't want to, you know, I felt I don't want to work more on emotional intelligence, emotional coaching, relationship issues and, naturally, over emotional intelligence, emotional coaching, relationship issues and naturally over the last five years, more and more CEOs and leaders started to come and I'm like okay, that's what I'm doing. And that's when I shifted to. You know my tagline okay, I'm a life and leadership coach. I work with CEOs and leaders. I was already working for three, four years when I actually changed my title to yes, I'm a. So my title says that I'm a life coach for leaders and CEOs and last few years then coaches started to come to me, life coaches who were just beginning their journey as coaches, and now I mentor coaches as well. So that's that's why the focus on leadership, and I believe I love this because leaders create a ripple effect. When I can help a leader transform the, the whole organization starts to transform. So I love that impact as well.
Speaker 1:Well, I definitely know, you know your stuff, what you just told me about the advice you just gave on romantic relationships. It made sense for me. I was like, oh, I didn't think of it that way. I wish I had you then. But I'm wondering, how does it look like you said you coached parents and their children? Wondering, how does it look like you said you coached, you coached parents and their children? Like what does that look like? Like what kind of issues do they? They deal with?
Speaker 2:oh, same thing, like to understand each other. These are the communication gaps between parent and child. And when I say leadership, one thing I want to make clear around. It looks like the ceos I was telling the other day in a forum. I was speaking, I was a speaker, and they say, okay, what kind of problem CEOs had have and the senior leaders have, and I said nothing different. The CEO is coming to me and the whole session was on.
Speaker 2:I am doing emotional eating. The whole session it was. I'm stressed out because of the targets and the team is not performing and I'm just eating. I I had already six mugs of coffee and it was all about his emotional eating.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's all about, oh, my child is not listening to me, oh, I'm having this tiff with my partner, I'm not able to give quality time to my partner. So there's a lot of personal stuff is also happening because at the end of the day, whether it's a leader, a professional executive, whichever role, they are also family people. They're also parent or partner and they're dealing with life and they're bringing the same whole, their being, to the organization, to their team as well. So, yeah, it doesn't matter who I'm coaching, we are always working on your relationship with yourself, your relationship with other people, personal or professional. So a lot of time they talk about how can I do better in my marriage, how can I do better in my romantic you know relationship, yeah, so coming back to your question, same kind of things parent and child.
Speaker 2:A lot of power struggle is there, especially when I'm coaching. You know I was coaching parents of teens. How do they really trust their teenager in this world of instagram and, you know, social media and difficult times. It was exposure and there's so much fear-based parenting because parents are always worried. You know that drugs, alcohol, so much is happening at a much younger age. And how to let go of these fears come from trust trust your child so they can trust you. So, bridging this gap between parent and child, that's what I was working on.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay. And the gap that CEOs tend to have you said that theirs is they don't. Even though they're financially successful, they built a big business. They do not feel like, they feel empty inside, right? I think I've had a similar, maybe maybe I had a similar experience because I've had a few different, many a few, accomplishments in my life Athletic accomplishments, academic I've done things, but I never really appreciated accomplishments. Academic I've done things, but I never really appreciated anything that I've done, because I'm always thinking about the next thing.
Speaker 1:You know so I'm wondering does is that? Is that what ceos are dealing with, or is it a lot larger?
Speaker 2:absolutely, absolutely. I call it perpetual dissatisfaction yeah perpetual dissatisfaction.
Speaker 2:So it's so common, you know, that the person, so many you know, my clients, have told me that you know, I just achieved I wanted to be a vice president, I became. And while they're celebrating, while they're, you know, opening the champagne, I'm thinking of what next? It's like even my, my happiness didn't even, you know, stay there, persist for five minutes. What is this happening? And then we work on it, like how we are, like on a hamster wheel, constantly going after one goal, next goal, and as a society it's not our fault, as a society the conditioning is like this, like as if we are constantly achieving.
Speaker 2:And I think I'm very lucky to be born in a country like India, because here we have very deep spiritual roots where we relaxed, community, feeling family, taking time for family, just spending all day with family, just relaxing. Yeah, it's okay, perfectly Okay, to just relax, chill and not do anything for many, many days. We can just be like that, as you say, you know, just enjoy the moment and seize the day, and not being on a rat race of, yeah, I have to be productive and achieving, and all the time I'm not saying like, I'm not generalizing, but yeah, there's some, some of these things I learned through my culture as well. I would say definitely yeah. So that happens a lot. Very, very common that we are constantly going one after the goal and not realizing and stopping taking a pause where I've reached.
Speaker 1:Let me enjoy this moment in what ways is the western world different from india? Because you said that in your culture there's history that, like, informs you that family and knowing when to relax and take time away is important, like what? What is it within the culture that does that?
Speaker 2:I think one of the thing that happens is as if I think of my childhood. I can just tell you, when I come from school in the afternoons, I just saw my mother just being there for me and we were just all my brother, my sister, we were three and we were just relaxing with her. We were chatting, she's telling her stories and we're doing our homework, then we're playing. There was no rush. Oh, you have to go to this class and then this class, and then tennis and then dance, and then this.
Speaker 2:Now I see my brother living lives in the US, my sister is studying, my daughter is studying in the US and she's like mom, I can't stay still for five minutes. I don't know what has happened since I've come here. It's like I'm buying coffee and while it's prepared, the guys were taking my coffee. I'm checking my email. Like she's like what has happened to me? I just don't understand. And I told her like okay, now you've become aware that you're not able to be without doing something. You're literally becoming a human doing. Just take a pause Next time when you're buying that coffee. Do not take your phone out. Keep it there and just wait. It's okay, be bored in the queue. If you want to talk to someone, fine, otherwise, just be okay with that, just breathe. Take that five minutes for just conscious breathing, let yourself be, people watch, enjoy the smell of the coffee. And she said, okay, I'm gonna deliberately, cautiously, do that.
Speaker 2:So this is the difference I see in the western and eastern world, and we are also becoming a lot like western. Let me tell you that because a lot of my my clients are in the Western and Eastern world and we are also becoming a lot like Western. Let me tell you that Because a lot of my clients are in the US, but many clients in India also are saying the same thing. So now you know we are coming to a fusion, you know we are learning from West and Western is learning from East. So yeah, but this is the difference I see there is more emphasis on doing, on earning more money, on achieving more accolades, more things from outside, versus from childhood, the only thing I have heard again and again and again my mom.
Speaker 2:I remember when I used to wake up. She used to wake up at 4 am and chant Bhagavad Gita and everything is, and our scripture is all about the happiness. Fulfillment is not outside, everything is inside. So where do I go to find happiness and fulfillment? Not outside, I go inwards. So I do still, and I go inwards. And if we are not taking even five minutes in a day to be inwards? Even if I'm commuting, I see people are constantly on gadgets. I've also done that, by the way. So we are all learning, as I say. So that's the difference, and somewhere we need to just pause, and that pause will really help us reset.
Speaker 1:What is the? I watched one of your videos. You're talking about the secret to being happy. Could you explain what that is?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you want to be unhappy. Just be in your mind. It's very simple. So, constantly be in your mind, constantly keep thinking you will be unhappy, and if you want to be happy, then know that you are already happy when you're not thinking anything. If I ask you, daron, if for a moment you think of a time when you were absolutely happy, absolutely happy, joyous, just really feeling peace Peace is the right word, peace and bliss Can you think of a moment like that?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do Any moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, I can.
Speaker 2:What was happening in that moment?
Speaker 1:Oh, what was happening in that moment. Well, the happiest I've been was in my childhood. I know that for a fact Before I was 14 years old and I remember I just was at school with my childhood. I know that for a fact, before I was 14 years old and, um, I remember I just was at school with my friends playing basketball. I was a really rowdy kid, a rough kid, so I was pretty mean playing basketball and just I was. I was my. I was my authentic, real self.
Speaker 1:When I was that age, I accepted all my faults. I was more confident. Even though I have more things and most people in my family has had my. I accepted all my faults. I was more confident. Even though I have more things than most people in my family have my parents more than my grandparents I feel like my younger self was a lot more confident than I am now. You know, like my person, like I knew who I was. Then People used to. I think life was even harder then. I used to. People used to give me a hard time or even if people bullied me, but I was so strong in who I was that none of that even bothered me, you know.
Speaker 2:Wow. So you were happy when you were playing. You said, when you were playing, you were just being yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, playing with my friends.
Speaker 2:And were you thinking anything at that time, when you were playing?
Speaker 1:No, no, I wasn't thinking anything.
Speaker 2:That's the secret were playing. No, no, I wasn't thinking anything. That's the secret. Actually, when we are truly happy, rather, I use the word joy and bliss, and in in our scriptures they call it ananda. Ananda is like pure bliss, which is the nature of your heart and soul. So when we are not thinking, right now, in this moment, we are having a conversation. We are feeling this happy. We are having a conversation. We have met for the very first time. We are having this this moment, we are having a conversation. We're feeling just happy. We are having a conversation. We have met for the very first time. We are having this interesting, amazing conversation. We are having fun and we are happy, and the moment a mind comes oh, am I speaking correctly? Am I asking the right question? Am?
Speaker 1:I answering the right way.
Speaker 2:What will happen the moment mind enters? The moment any thought enters our mind. Depending upon what the thought is, we will go into stress, inadequacy, anxiety, feeling fear, feeling something. If it's a happy thought, yeah, we can feel happy as well, but the truth is, in order to be happy, we don't need a thought. Have you ever been on a mountain, on a beach, near the ocean, or have you been in a forest?
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely, I grew up next to the ocean.
Speaker 2:Ah lovely. How do you feel when you're in the water? How do you feel?
Speaker 1:I took the ocean for granted growing up. I grew up in California, so I didn't even think it was a big deal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can imagine Us people who live far away from the ocean. Yeah, but still in the, the nature, most of the people feel relaxed if you don't have anything on your mind.
Speaker 1:again, that's important okay, yeah, yeah, so a clear a clip being basically being in the moment, not um, it's so weird, like funny, that you say that because, uh, I was having a conversation with a friend and I was saying, like you know, we really only need to use our minds when we're in school, we're in on the job, we're working on like a specific task, but we apply that same thinking process to our relationships and the oh, why did they text me that? Why, why didn't they do this? And it's like a over-calculation. What are they trying to do to me, you know, and it that that little, like that little, whatever it is the entity, is it kind of corrupts our I mean corrupts our spirit and corrupts our relationships? Like, how does, how does somebody learn to tame that? That's very difficult to do.
Speaker 2:Like how do you learn to control your thinking? You can't control your thinking. You can't control your thinking. Though you can learn to be centered and quiet inside so that your thinking start to subside. Naturally, the more you try to control your thoughts, the more they're gonna bother you. It's like, oh, I want to stop it. They won't stop.
Speaker 2:So to understand that the job of mind is to think that's why they call it monkey mind. It's jumping from one branch to other branch. You're thinking of your work and then thinking of an expert, or then you're thinking of something else when you're thinking, oh, I need to buy grocery or I need to cook food. So you're constantly thinking. But if you start to become mindful which means you are more present in the right now, in this moment, and that we do through our senses so you're having, let's say, a cup of tea, just having a cup of nice chamomile tea for this. So if you're having a cup of tea, smell it, feel the tea, feel the gratitude for somebody made, or you made it for you, somebody brought you know, actually planted these leaves and who could make the tea. With this you can have a mug of tea. And when you're fully present with your senses, with your heart, with your body.
Speaker 2:What happens is your mind starts to quieten down, but not in one day. You have to practice it like every single day, with few activities. You can start with brushing. While you're brushing normally what we do we are thinking when you started, when you finished, you don't know. You go in your bathroom, you take the brush, you put toothpaste, you do brush, but you are thinking You're toothpaste, you do brush, but you are thinking. You're thinking of the emails, you're thinking of the meetings, your to-do list, or you're thinking of something else. Something bad happened, something good happened. We are never brushing. Same happens with the shower. Same happens with your cooking. Same happens when you're driving. Start becoming present. Somebody's talking, we are in our mind. Something is, we are in our mind, something is happening, we are in our mind. So you constantly bring yourself oh, I'm listening, oh, I'm crushing, I'm driving. So a few simple activities I'll tell you today and for the listener that will instantly help you quieten your mind. Would you like that, daron these?
Speaker 1:are my favorite ones. Yes, I would.
Speaker 2:The first one and be ready to be surprised. The first one sing. Have you ever sang a song? And while singing, you're thinking, you're feeling when you're singing.
Speaker 1:You don't think.
Speaker 2:Yes, start singing, no matter how bad you are. I'm a very bad singer and sing the most in my house Sing. If you don't know songs, just play the song. Have your favorite playlist Every single day. If you start singing for 10 minutes, start with 10 minutes, go to 20, 30. Sing every day. Have your favorite playlist, enjoy, enjoy. By the way, it's not mechanical. You can be bad, but you can't be mechanical. Enjoy singing, sing it for yourself and sing if you find it difficult. Second one, humming, so just simply, um, we call it, it's a. Or. If you have heard of the om, have you heard of the om chanting where you say yeah, that actually have very like extraordinary vibrations in your body.
Speaker 2:If you chant home, if you don't do want to do home, you can do are or just humming again. When you're humming, what you're doing is your whole vagus nerve is getting activated. And if you you want to read about vagus nerve activation, it's very good for your nervous system, to calm your mind. You can read on the internet about it. I won't go into the science behind it, but vagus nerve is the longest nerve in your body, very important for your whole nervous system. So humming, chanting, anything will help. Humming spatially and every morning, five minutes, that's it.
Speaker 1:You can hum spatially and every morning five minutes. That's it. You can hum, I just did it um like silently and I could feel the vibration from like my neck down to like my hips.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh, okay, it does, it's like a massage, it helps you, helps you relax yes, yes, slowly, if you do every day five minutes of humming and morning is the best time you can also do just before you know, trying to bed in the night.
Speaker 2:You have better sleep, by the way, if you do humming on your back, close your eyes and hum, try, and in the morning, if you do, you have a better day and you can then increase the time as well to 10 minutes. It will. It will give you a beautiful voice as well. Yes, that's again the second. That's other thing, and it will calm you down. The third thing, third tip, is any kind of art form. It could be dancing, it could be painting, doodling, stitching. It could be any kind of art form.
Speaker 2:Mandalas are different kind of art nowadays. Any kind of art. For some people it could be cooking, gardening. The point is, you are fully present with it. It could be sport as well, by the way, as you said, when you're playing basketball, you're thinking the max you will think is, oh, you fully present with it. It could be sport as well, by the way.
Speaker 2:As you said, when you're playing basketball, you're thinking the max you will think is, oh, you want to do a, you know, good, good shot. That's all you're gonna think. Right, but not about other things. So anything that will put you in flow, like dance, painting, these things put you in flow. Where you are fully present, they will take you out of your mind and slowly, when you practice this almost every day, do some activity like that, you will come out of the habit of constant thinking. Currently, overthinking is a bigger pandemic than covid. That's true, it's. It's a huge, huge pandemic, the whole society. I have never met a person. I have written a book how to stop overthinking. By then I'll be happy to share the link if listeners would like to. You know, download that. It's a handbook, very short book, where I've spoke of, where I've shared all these things as well there on, where I've shared all these things, that when you start to become mindful, be more present first life and go inwards, naturally your mind start to become mindful.
Speaker 1:Be more present, trust life and go inwards naturally your mind starts to become quiet and clear, lovely, lovely.
Speaker 2:I wish.
Speaker 1:I had this podcast like a month or two ago, it would have definitely helped me relax. Overthinking I completely agree and I already know that. I know that overthinking is not a good thing, but it happens unconsciously. Once your mind gets a hold of your spirit, then whatever is in your mind, it starts to come out your mouth. It may not be the correct thing, absolutely. Dr Singh, is there any closing statements you'd like to have?
Speaker 2:Closing statement. I like to think for that.
Speaker 1:Take your time. We're not in a rush, this is a conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to say something. Actually, this is something which I really really feel, and I would want every listener to believe that you are already enough In order to really feel worthy. In order to feel enough, you do not need to do be or have anything to do, be or have anything. Just know that you are enough and operate from that space and, naturally, you will do great. That's my last message.
Speaker 1:Thank you, that was beautiful, dr. Singh thank you for coming on to the podcast. I really enjoyed this conversation. I'm pretty sure that you can tell I learned. I definitely learned some lessons during the show Thank, you. Yeah, you never know who you're going to speak with and I really appreciate the conversation, so thanks for coming on.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, jerome, for inviting me. I really enjoyed the conversation as well. Thank you, okay.
Speaker 1:Take care.
