Philosophy for Life
Welcome to the Philosophy for Life podcast, hosted by Darron Brown, where we explore the profound questions and timeless wisdom that shape our existence. Join us on a journey of self-discovery and intellectual exploration as we delve into the depths of philosophy, spirituality, ethics, and the human experience. Through thought-provoking discussions, engaging interviews, and insightful analysis, we seek to unravel the mysteries of life and uncover the underlying truths that guide us. Discover practical insights and philosophical perspectives that can enrich your daily life, challenge your perspectives, and inspire personal growth. Whether you're a curious seeker, a deep thinker, or simply someone passionate about understanding the complexities of our world, Philosophy for Life is your gateway to wisdom and enlightenment. Subscribe now and embark on a transformative quest to gain clarity, find purpose, and embrace the profound beauty of existence.
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Philosophy for Life
Relationships with Dominic
Imagine a world where your relationship struggles transform into fulfilling connections through the power of self-awareness and personal growth. That's precisely what you'll discover in our enlightening conversation with Dominic, a relationship and reality architect. Dominic specializes in guiding high-achieving women through both personal and professional relationship challenges, emphasizing the importance of self-perception and actionable steps towards a desired reality. Learn how prioritizing your relationship with yourself can lead to more balanced and rewarding interactions with others.
Our discussion ventures into the nuanced dynamics between men and women, highlighting the often-overlooked emotional triggers and the necessity of taking constructive pauses during conflicts. Dominic’s insights about taking full responsibility for one’s experiences in relationships offer a path to profound self-awareness and improved interactions. Hear firsthand how setting boundaries and acknowledging one's efforts are pivotal for maintaining self-respect, especially for men who often face societal pressures to be self-sacrificing.
We also explore the journey of self-discovery and the critical role of non-reactivity, with Dominic sharing personal stories and lessons from past relationships. From the impact of spiritual practices like meditation and yoga to the complexities of managing work commitments while nurturing love, this episode is a treasure trove of practical advice and wisdom. Whether through alternative activities that promote self-growth or through understanding the significance of soul age and resilience, Dominic provides a comprehensive guide to enhancing your relationships and personal development journey.
Hey, what's up everybody. This is your host, deron Brown. I have Dominic with me. He's a relationship and reality architect. I have never heard of that, but I have a good idea of what he may do. Dom, can you give us an idea of what that title encompasses?
Speaker 2:that title encompasses yeah, essentially I help people get what they want. So you know, my clients come to me and say like I'm here, say point A, and they want to be at some point B, and so when I say I got reality, architect, they're experiencing a current reality and they want a different one. So what I'm helping them focus on is how to create that new reality, essentially by focus on on how they see themselves and the current thoughts, you know, beliefs that they're hanging out, uh, that are hanging out in their head and very key on this side, it's like taking action. So it's not just to have, it's not enough to have like the good idea, you have to take action. So I help people I don't identify what the actions are, help them figure out which ones are going to work for them.
Speaker 1:And I get them to take it. And what do clients usually come to you for? Like what?
Speaker 2:do they usually help with? Oh so reality. A lot of times it's going to be relationships. Particularly women are coming for. Relationships are, and that can be intimate, you know, partner, boyfriend, husband-like relationships. Or it can be relationships that are happening, say with their friends, co-workers, a boss, basically anything where they may not be feeling, say, confident. They may be feeling some low self-esteem in some things, or they're just frustrated. They've been getting the same results for a while and they they want different results. And so when I work with, with men, some are interested in relationships. Many of them are interested more in things like power, status, or I would say maybe it wouldn't be their terminology, but that's what I'm. I'm tracking with them. They're working on being more grounded and they're masculine, are just really understanding what, uh, masculine is for them and, coming from that place, I looked at your Instagram page and said you're, you are a relationship coach for women.
Speaker 1:Like you work with women primarily. Did that? Was that intentional or did it just happen accidentally?
Speaker 2:Well, if I had known more about the work, like I would have said, it was not accidental, because, in terms of people who hire coaches, psychotherapists, therapists for self-development, it's going to be more women than men in general, so I've come to discover almost anyone in this field unless they particularly hone down on one or the other they're going to be encountering like women. So, at the point, I decided to say, well, let me keep focusing on the clients that tend to come to me the most. I discovered at that time they were women and that they were focusing largely on relationships. The reason I bring the reality side in, though, is that it's not just that I would say a lot of women. They're looking for more love and connection, but a lot of that is really going to come from the relationship that they have with themselves, and so that's why I start saying reality. It's a lot of times, what they're experiencing is just not working for them, or here's a typical case.
Speaker 2:I think my clients, by and large, are high achievers. They've gotten education they wanted. They've gotten a education they wanted. They've gotten the position they wanted. They're more or less making the money that they want, but so they've gotten the things that they thought they should have or did the things that they thought they should do, but yet the happiness isn't there. In fact, if anything, it feels like getting more of what they thought they should get has brought them less and less fulfillment, less and less happiness.
Speaker 1:I see, I see there's definitely a lot of guys on the internet that are giving women a hard time because they make women look like they're robots and basically they're users. But in reality, both of us are the same. We know both people are men and women. Both can use each other. Both of us are the same, we both. You know both people are men and women. Both can use each other. What I'm wondering is what issues do women commonly?
Speaker 2:deal with when it comes to relationships, they come to you with yeah, you know, I just wanted to go back and give a comment. You know it's a lot of fun, right? Kind of taking the digs at the other gender. Yes, like, I get a lot of chuckles and I also try to do my best not to just stay in what I call the cheap yucks or the cheap thrills. There's one phrase like men are in love, women are in business, and so there's countless statements like that. But I agree with you. Like you say, we all have things that are working to our benefit and we all have things that are challenging to us. So I think the better place to be, rather than taking pot shots at the other gender, is just say you know what the most productive thing for me to do is just become the best possible person I can, and that that will solve pretty much everything.
Speaker 1:That takes. I want to comment on that. I'm becoming focused on becoming the best version of yourself. That takes a lot of. You really have to be conscious to like make that kind of evolution in your life, because I personally, within my relationships, I've been, I've been a user and I've been used, you know, and um, I've just come to realize, once you go through pain, it helps you grow, it helps you mature, and I realized if you're going to um, not only with relationships, but anything that you do, anything that you do outside in your life, requires great investment. So you got to make sure that you're giving and you're receiving at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah for sure. And, as you said, you have to be really conscious. I would say the backdrop of what I'm working with my clients a lot is I'm helping them become more conscious, and so it's not like an IQ thing, I'm not helping them become smarter, I'm helping them become more conscious, and so I would say what happens along the way is that they become wiser. But they're also making decisions more focused on the outcome that they want to have, like what they want to get back to reality. What do they want to create in the world? Do they want to create more connection, more intimacy with their partner? Do they want to have more win-win situations in life? Are they happy if they're the winners and other people are losers? And so I really love that word.
Speaker 2:You said being conscious, because there's this phrase a lot of times my clients will use, I will use called, like you know, doing the work, and the work is exactly that. It's like you start becoming aware of well, I can go down this path or I can go down this other path, and you yourself had said you know, I've been the user and I have been used, and so, like now you're in a position of recognizing folks, you know when you're using people and you also know when you're being used, and you can choose to participate in that or not. Or you can say I, I want something else, I want something different. Um, yeah, very, very much so do you do?
Speaker 1:a lot of your female clients struggle with um walking away sooner because a lot of these red flags that we get in relationships I mean that we see. You know that we see within our relationships. People gave us those signs early on in a relationship and you know you could have saved yourself a lot of heartbreak down the road. So do you do you teach your clients the importance of boundaries and then knowing what you want and only creating space for what you want?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's one of the most important things. I say boundaries like that, in a nutshell, is a key thing. I would also say standards as well. I think a lot of times that gets left off the table. But if you think about like a restaurant, like you know you will eat at a restaurant and you will give the restaurant repeat business, like if it meets your standards. You know if it continues to meet your standards, but as soon as that place doesn't meet your standards, then you're likely going to leave. Maybe you might give feedback to the manager or something, and so I think that's the same thing with relationships.
Speaker 2:I do think a lot of women like stay too long and they do what I call like they. They like to date on credit, meaning they see their partner's potential, or rather, they see a potential that they perceive. Maybe not their partner doesn't have it, and so they give them that credit. And so they says well, I know you're going to grow into this, like. I know you're going to be more attentive. I know you're going to grow into this Like. I know you're going to be more attentive. I know you're going to be more present. I know you're going to be more thoughtful. I, I, I, even I. I know you're going to make more money and what they're doing, so but because I know that I'm going to date you on credit and just wait for you to grow into it.
Speaker 2:And you know it's hard to say never, say never, never. But I typically say never. Date on credit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's the interest A person's interest level can really tear them apart. You can convince yourself of many different things in a relationship about a person that you want to be with. You can tell yourself all kinds of lies and stories to justify the sacrifice or the investment. And I'm glad you spoke. I'm glad that you focus on these women specifically, because currently on YouTube they tend to focus on women who are just trying to get the bag. They're using men for X, y and Z, but I know a lot of women personally who fall into the category that you're talking about. They are successful, they're ambitious, they're organized, they know how to plan for the future, but then they get with these guys, these builder guys or something, some guy that they could make him into something, because they made a decision at some point that this is going to be a guy I like his vibe and he has so much potential and that he never reaches. I'm no woman who would waste a seven years plus on guys like a lot of them. You know guys like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know it creates a lot of a lot of pain along the way, but a lot of pain at the end because you know any relationship is going to have You'll have vision, you'll have vision, you'll have dreams of the future. And I want to stay away from the word expectations. It's not really my favorite, but it's like you have desires, you know wants that where this place, where this relationship will go. And when that doesn't get fulfilled, especially after such a huge time investment, it can be tremendously disappointing. And then, of course, you know, depending where a woman is at, there's like a time factor, especially if she wants to have children. So I think it's really important for I mean men and women, but for everyone to get to know what they want upfront and that kind of comes with those boundaries, but that's also like those standards. And when you come across a person who has a lot of potential is really great but isn't currently meeting your standard, I think at that point you should seriously consider moving up you should seriously consider moving up.
Speaker 1:That's very hard to do when you have those romantic feelings for somebody to move on. It's weird. Human emotions are put like this. There's certain emotions that we experience in our life that we become familiar with and we know how to handle, but the emotion of like love is so rare. You know, you rarely meet people that really move you in a certain kind of way. So because you rarely have, you rarely have experiences with that kind of emotion, it takes you just a lot longer to mature in that. In that area of your life, of your personality, some people get bitter, some people get better, you know. But that's love is one of those tricky emotions to deal with.
Speaker 2:I want to know why did you choose to focus on relationships? I think, bottom line, I enjoy it. You know I've spent a good amount of time working for other people, being employed by others, and overall I can say, of that experience I'm thankful I was exchanging my time for money, had great, great experiences, learned a lot, and when I ventured out on my own, my decision was well, I'm doing this not necessarily for the money, I'm doing it because it holds my interest more. All right, I think this is fun and I would say the reason I find working on relationships fun is because I think it's really one of the most complex things that you can deal with, like on this planet as a human being. And you know again the people I'm working with, human being, and you know again the people I'm working with. You know they did the schooling, they're working, you know at top levels in their career and yet, with all that intelligence, like they're still not able to nail just having satisfying relationships or they're not able to avoid getting in relationship with someone where they feel used or they feel, like you know, taken advantage of. And so I think the relationship it's like a container and within that container there are things available to the person. And so school is a different container, and so if you're in grade school, there are certain things available, certain things not. You're in college, again, certain things available, certain not. And the same with relationship. But I think the intensity of the learning process and relationship, especially if you're trying to have a long-term, committed one, it is the exact furnace or oven one needs to have the maximum amount of self-development, as long as you use it correctly.
Speaker 2:So the wrong way would be you get upset, you get triggered. You look at your partner and say you make me angry, you make me upset, you make me feel bad. If you're doing that, you're not benefiting in terms of the learning aspect of your relationship. But if you look at it more well, I I I see myself angry or I see myself enraged or I see myself feeling shame.
Speaker 2:My partner is helping me identify these emotions in me that are holding me back and be actually behind those emotions there's like a belief, either some of the way someone sees themselves or you know, um sees, uh, or has a belief, and because that belief is essentially trampled on, then then the trigger comes and the person feels the way they don't want to feel, and so it's. It's kind of like um, you know Mike Tyson had to have this statement. You know everyone has a plan to they get hit in the face in relationship. But to a certain extent you're getting hit in the face all the time, and so you, you, you want to become trained and used to that experience, because it's not going to not happen. I mean it's, it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and so when it does, you have to say, oh, there's there, it is again.
Speaker 1:So I got a question for you. So when those experiences do happen, we things can be going smoothly and all of a sudden there's some kind of static that enters a relationship. Address these potential issues that can have negative effects on the relationship long term?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, there's a few things. I think one of the most helpful things it's almost like the emergency tool is just take a pause. It's just take a pause and then you just realize like you're feeling something, and know when you're overwhelmed and say you know what? I can't really talk about this. Right now. I'm feeling very emotional, I'm feeling super triggered, I'm feeling really angry at you, and that's not the place I want to be in when we have a conversation or when we interact. So I need to get myself sorted out. So I think the pause is super important and I can't underline the importance of that enough. So I want me to take a pause. It's just like a breath, you know. So you, you regulate yourself a little bit. Another is just like I said you actually tell the person uh, communicate, um, or another way is just saying, hey, I can see this is really important for you or this is important for us. I just don't feel now's the best time to get into it. Can we discuss this at this date and time? So that's one way of doing it.
Speaker 2:The other one, it's a certain frame that you enter into, and so I like to think becoming more and more conscious is just choosing different lifestyle choices. So you know, if you smoke and you drink, those are lifestyle choices. If you don't smoke and you don't drink, those are lifestyle choices. They have different outcomes, same as like vegan as opposed like meat eating. They just they just have different outcomes. They just have different outcomes. And so if you want to be in a relationship and not be like reactive, one of these lifestyle choices is just, you step into this frame of I'm 100% responsible, and so you know, if my partner is yelling at me like I'm 100% responsible for what I'm experiencing right now, so now, once you step into that, then it's kind of like you have the opportunity. I think your focus is in the right place, which is like your focus on yourself and what can you do different.
Speaker 2:And so that may mean you know this is not not the right partner. It could mean that or it could mean well, am I showing up the way, the way a good partner should show up? So it doesn't even have to say am I showing up like the way I should? It's just like if, if, if there's something called a good partner, how would a good partner show up and am I doing that? That's one way to approach that. I think you know additional things. It has to do a lot with putting yourself kind of in service to the other person. It's a level of humility, kind of in service to the other person. It's a level of humility. It's saying what can I do to shift this or what can I do to help this person feel better? And I want to nuance that because there's like stepping stones to getting to that. It's easier to be in service to someone else or to be more attentive to their needs after you've taken care of your own needs.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And I think you know, speaking of women, a lot of women do this incorrectly. They do it a different order. They say, well, I just love everybody, I just want everyone to be happy, and you'll hear them make statements I do all these things for all these people. No one appreciates me.
Speaker 2:Or I do all these things for my partner and you know he still like walks, walks all over me, and I think what I found, typically in those cases, the person's not taking care of their own needs first, and you know we can build up from there.
Speaker 2:You know food, clothing, shelter, you know basic needs. You know, do you have that? And then, um, you know, are you getting your sleep, are you getting your exercise in, are you eating good food, are you making commitments to yourself and keeping them? That's like super important. And so, basically, once your combination of conscious, psyche, subconscious, understands that you prioritize yourself, meaning that you think you're important and that you are setting a standard and you are holding boundaries for yourself, it makes you much, much more available to show up in that way for a partner, where, in a place where your cup is full or more full, where then you are resourced or you have resources to actually have the patience and the compassion to listen to them and also not to just be reactive to whatever they're putting in front of you at the time.
Speaker 1:You know it's funny that, um, you can get that same advice to men. You know a lot of men. They have the issue. Well, society tells men that they have to be the breadwinners. They're supposed to be the leaders of the household and they're supposed to, you know, do all these different things. And a lot of men on the internet that are in the same position. They're complaining that they're giving and they're not getting anything in return.
Speaker 1:So I say that to say this. I think that both men and women who fall into these situations they need to learn to spoon feed themselves. A lot of times they're trying so hard to make a relationship work or they're investing a lot more than they should be investing early on, and they should learn to. You know, give, but give in like small doses, small doses over a period of time, and see, see if it's reciprocated. You know how the person responds to it, or you are. You appreciate it, because once you give so much and much, your expectations go up and then setting yourself up for failure yeah, yeah, it's kind of you.
Speaker 2:You set the bar up here and so the person has always expect that. You know, if the first birthday, you know you've bought all the balloons and laid all the roses and, and you know, drew the bath and put the bubble bath in it like yeah what's what's going to happen on the next birthday or the next special event? I'm curious what your thoughts on this, since you said men need or can use the same guidance.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I would say yes, and sometimes leadership is a thankless job, and by that I mean a lot of times you hear of mask and energy. You know men, men will lead. You know they'll take charge. And you'll hear a lot of women say I want my man to lead me, I want him, I want him to like take charge and like have a plan. You know, plan out the evening like order for me.
Speaker 2:That's the thing and I think you know, if you just look at leadership in general, you know there's there's. If there's a leader, there's there's a follower, there's followers. And typically the number of leaders are much smaller than the number of followers.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know it's, it's not, it's not equal and and and. As a man, I enjoy being led by a good leader I think we all do and as a man, I hate being led by someone who's a bad leader. So I think if someone is stepping in that role of leading and I think in this case we're saying if women have the desire for men to lead we also acknowledge that stepping at leadership role is a responsibility. You are automatically saying I'm going to take responsibility for other people. I'm going to put other people's needs in front of my own, and so we make it very specific. I'm going to put my partner's needs in front of my own, and so we make it very specific. I'm going to put my partner's needs in front of my own.
Speaker 2:Or, like, I'm going to put myself in service, and you'll hear things in terms of like, a great leadership style is a servant leadership. So in the organization, yes, you have the authority, you're the top box in the org chart, you know people have to do what you say, so to speak. But the thing is you're really focused on how can you be of service, of utility to the people on your team. And so I think, in relationship, I think that's a great way for a man to show up in that leadership role and, yes, I would say he does need to nourish and build himself up too, so he's learned leadership.
Speaker 1:What's the question you got for me? You said you had a question for me.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's in there, right, so, yeah, so, so your thought I'll get specific. So, yes, men need this guidance, but at the same time, do you feel that that men are actually getting enough credit for leading or even attempting to lead?
Speaker 1:No, I don't. I don't think that. I don't think men get enough credit and I don't think men expect to receive credit. You know, we're taught to be self-sacrificing, you know. You think of war. Men go to war, they die, the women, the kids are left. Same thing the Titanic sinks, the men are sacrificed. So I think men, unconsciously, are self-sacrificing themselves for a relationship and for family. You know, and I think that a lot of the mental issues that men deal with are rooted in the lack of appreciation. Rooted in the lack of appreciation not only from the appreciation you get from other people, but the lack of appreciation that you have for yourself, because you were never taught to have self-respect. Be yourself, you're good enough.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, yeah, you know, I I I didn't answer that. Um, I didn't read the book, but I think maybe it's called love and respect or something. But the gist of the title was saying that what women desire most relationship is love, and what men desire most is is respect. And I've also heard, even though this is what they want the most, neither of them ever get enough. And so, um, I thought, when you said, you know, men are not, are not respecting themselves, I think that was a really good point because it's kind of you know, if you want someone to love you, then of course it's a great idea, maybe crucial, essential for you to love yourself first and figure that out.
Speaker 1:You nailed it. You nailed it, I was. You know. I was thinking about this today and I think that the biggest issue that men deal with like the number one advice that I would give men in relationship is not to lose yourself within that relationship. You know the person you are. The person you were before her is the person she wants you to be throughout that relationship. A lot of times you know you, you. I don't know what it is. It can be the media you know, it could be the family, household you grew up in. But a lot of times men, once they do get in a committed relationship, over time they start to become dependent on that relationship and dependent on the approval of their woman, and that's when the woman starts to disrespect them. Like you said, men need respect, men need respect and once their spirit and their mind gets tied into that relationship and they stop focusing on their purpose or whatever, women have an instinct for that and they know once they got you and it goes up, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's when they start poking at you to see I don't know how strong you are if you'll set boundaries or if you'll go back to who you were, who she thought you were, you know.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah, yeah, now I wanted to add that because I love what you said.
Speaker 2:You know men have to respect themselves, and so I'm thinking not only do you have to like love yourself, but if you're seeking respect and you want to be respected, you, you have to respect yourself, meaning you have to acknowledge the effort that you're putting in. And I would say it's not only put the effort in but like really acknowledge what you're doing, because you're right, that acknowledgement externally to you may never come, that appreciation may never come, that thank you may never come, that appreciation may never come, that that thank you may never come. But if you keep track, you stay conscious with what you're doing and you know you're putting effort in, I think it gives you enough fuel, or let's say, even enough resiliency, to say, write out those moments where you're like, well, wait a second, I did all these things, you didn't even say thank you. Or like you just went on to the next thing of like you know you keep focusing on, like what I haven't done Exactly, and you need to pay attention to that as a man and women.
Speaker 1:You need to pay attention to that. When you're in a relationship and you're giving to somebody, you need to be very conscious of what you're getting in return, because some people, some people show appreciation, they'll give back to you, but there's some people who will start to feel entitled to that and then start to take advantage of you and then take you less, less serious. Yeah, you know. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, you know, yeah, it's weird. Um, in some cases it's like when a woman knows she has you, she'll, um, she'll get bored of you and then go to the next challenge. Man probably always say way too, you know, I wouldn't know, but that's how, that's how it happens.
Speaker 1:You have to. You have to maintain a strong sense of self in all phases of life period. Once you lose yourself, you'll get bullied, you know. I mean I had a situation before where I had I'm 6'3, I'm 220, I played ball growing up. I mean I played college football and I've had situations where I let things slide because a guy was about 5'4 not he threatened me at all, but just letting. Letting that situation slide. It made other guys that had no business messing with me. They gave them confidence.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I learned. I learned and I was like cause, I'm trying to be the nice guy, I don't want to be too aggressive, because I already look aggressive and I'm built aggressively. But I learned that you have to set bound. People are going to try you, period, so you have to maintain a strong sense of self. Your friends are going to hurt you, your family's going to hurt you, your lover's going to hurt you, your kids are going to hurt you. You better stay. You better be straight with yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, you know, and and and, as you say that you know, I again I have the curiosity of asking you, cause I I really try to encourage my clients never say something you don't want to be true. And so I hear what you're saying, and so part of me wants to agree, and then part of me doesn't want to agree at all, and so you say you know your partner's going to hurt you, relationships are going to hurt you. Cause I, I, I'd love to think more and just walk around with a belief system such that it becomes true in my world. It's that my, my relationship will expand and fulfill me. My, my, my friendships will be filled with with trust and and enjoy, or something like that. And the reason I bring it up there's I do work with healing modalities and there's one called Theta Healing, so I've taken a lot of coursework in it, and one of the things that they say is well, it's actually all about belief, work, and so a lot of times, what they'll work with people are on money stuff, and so they'll go through people's money beliefs, and a lot of people have beliefs.
Speaker 2:Well, money is hard to come by, there's never enough. Money is the root of all evil and those thoughts have certain energies and so when you're able to replace those more of like money is easy to come by, great and friendly and wonderful people have money and do great things with it. I do think it creates more flow.
Speaker 1:Is this talking about affirmations?
Speaker 2:Not necessarily affirmations. So if you think of your subconscious well, conscious and subconscious, you know the thinking is like 95 percent of your life is ruled by your subconscious. It's the things in your, your mind, that you're not aware of and so, but you're still operating on those and so again. So one of those beliefs you may not know, or a person may not know, they're walking around with the belief money is hard to come by.
Speaker 2:Until they come across someone who says money is easy, like money just rains on me. It's like, you know, I close my eyes, money appears. And when you see that contrast or hear it, it may be something where you can pinpoint yours, where you say, well, what's my belief about money? And just asking that question, you can, it's like you can pierce that layer between the conscious and subconscious. You can say, oh, that's my belief about money. So it's not so much an affirmation, it's, it's really a changing out. It's almost like a retooling or like a reprogramming. And so you find that belief in there.
Speaker 2:And the way this modality works, it's kind of like it's a cancel, clear, delete, it's a statement and, you know, let's download this other belief, yeah. And the thing is like when I first heard about it, I said, well, this is nonsense. So many things in my life I come across as this is nonsense at first, and then, after spending some time with it, I was like, oh, wow, this is genius. Or this is precisely what people need. Because whether one says daily healing is a valid healing modality or works or not, for sure, for sure, I'm convinced your life is really just a summation of how you see yourself and what beliefs that you have, and so you know, I remember.
Speaker 1:Let me comment on what you just said. I agree with you. I have a book behind me called the Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. It's an amazing book, something that Oprah recommended, and I've done a lot of spiritual work over the last decade and it's changed me in ways I didn't even expect to be changed. I just read the book. To read it, it was like, oh wow, these books are powerful. So I completely agree with what you're saying.
Speaker 1:But, that being said, I also believe that when it comes to love, you know these people that I mentioned, like family, friends. You know lovers, children like these are people you love. You know, and these people, occasionally you're going to have people who are going to try to hurt you, but it's up to you to protect love, because there's going to be all kinds of things that come into your relationship and if you allow things to slide within your relationship and you don't protect love, love starts to fade away. So that was the big major point of what I was trying to get at is that you know you have to maintain that. You have to maintain a strong sense of self in all areas of life.
Speaker 1:I had a conversation with a friend of mine almost a year ago and I was seeing somebody and I don't know what was going on, but I was really down Right and I spoke to my boy about it. I was like man. And then the next day, like she did something, and then I was up and high again and I had to call my friend right, and I called, was like hey, man, I was like hey. What I just learned is is that you cannot, you cannot put place your happiness on. You can't give somebody, you can't be somebody's puppet you know, it wasn't even conscious that she was even.
Speaker 1:She wasn't even conscious of what she was doing. This was all in my head. I gave away. I gave away that power. You know, that's really the truth. I was fixated and I was like you know what? You can never be your happiness never be dependent on somebody outside of you. You know so you should make yourself happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, outside of you. You know what I'm saying. You should make yourself happy. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's true. And I think that also is what I say kind of becomes part of this constant meditation in life, because some things you know, but you have to keep present all the time, because I think, particularly with a partner, the temptation is always there to say, well, I feel this way because of you and I feel a lot of times, no matter how much I can consciously know, that I have to do whatever I can to embody it.
Speaker 2:So when, like you know, I do get triggered, I'm saying, okay, like I know what I'm feeling and I know, I want to say I'm feeling this way because of you, but I'm not going to go that route. I, I'm going to, I'm going to focus on myself and then also tell myself, well, what do I want to choose? You know, do I do I want to choose to be unhappy or disgruntled, or do I want to choose peace, or do I want to create peace, or do I want to create connection? And that's where it's. It's interesting, like I would tell any of my clients or any of my potential clients I say, if you want to, if you want to improve your life, do yoga and meditate. Now, I rarely tell any of my clients to do yoga and meditate because, in my experience, like they're not going to do it unless they're already doing it yeah, and then we don't have to talk about it.
Speaker 2:And so, with that in mind, um, I do think there's a deeper meditation or an activity you can do that will give you the results of meditation without actually say meditating. And I think it's very specifically when you get triggered to just work with that energy, just keep playing with it until you actually process it and get back to what I call like that zero state or objective state or like neutral state, and I think if anyone does that over time, they're going to have very equivalent results to what they would get from meditation. Because you mentioned you've done a lot of spiritual work and let me say, would you agree with the statement? The point of all the spiritual work, whatever you're doing you're reading the books, you're going to therapy, you're getting coaching, you're you're, you know, doing trust falls or like whatever the point of it all is to be as non-reactive as possible.
Speaker 1:The point. So ask me that again.
Speaker 2:You said the point of meditation is to be now the point of of, of of all the spiritual work, no matter what is your chosen one, whether it's meditation, whether it's reading a book, whether it's, like you know, going to a men's group, whether you're going to see a therapist, whatever you can imagine real breath work, the point of it all, the end result that you're really going for, is to be non-reactive.
Speaker 1:I get what you're saying. There's what's it called the Power of Now. That's a really popular book. Yes, his book is powerful. And then the book behind me. I mentioned the Sea of the Soul. He focuses on intention, being conscious of your, um, your intentions, which are actions or whatnot, because each intention, it's not the act itself, but the intention behind the act that shapes your reality. That's what he kind of talks about. So, um, I think that you said what was it? What was it? Again, you said it brings you to where?
Speaker 2:So, so, so the result that you want from doing any of these different activities is to be non-reactive.
Speaker 1:I think that. And so, with that being said, I think that a lot of these spiritual, like I believe in soul ages. You know, and I get the you understand the idea behind soul ages Some ages, some souls are more mature than others. I get the you understand the idea about how soul ages some ages, some souls are more mature than others. So I think that a lot of these books are are put together to help people mature ultimately, and then, as you mature and you learn from these experiences, that's what's going to help you become non-reactive because you have a lot more understanding of the situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I agree, yeah, man, we went, we got deep into that one.
Speaker 2:Thank you for interrupting me. From time to time I need it.
Speaker 1:I like this conversation, so what about tell me about your show? Conscious Coffee Chats, yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh well, so I'm not doing those anymore, but I was doing that with a friend of mine, olivia, and so we were introduced by a mutual friend of ours and she's very much into Tantra and she's also into energy. When I say energy, it can be any number of things. So, specifically with her, she has this ability to, let's say, read your field and pull out information from there and share it with you things you may not know about yourself, as well as really help you enjoy intimacy, say with a partner, through connecting your energies, and so I probably hardly explain what she's done. So, but what we would do is get together and just have a talk, maybe drink some coffee while we're doing it, on a variety of different subjects. So we talked about relationships, we talked a lot about energy, we talked a lot about spiritual development and what it can do for you and what it can't do for you. We talk about things, about how it's.
Speaker 2:It's sure it's super important to elevate your consciousness but, at the same time, to have a very grounded existence. So to make sure, as you're getting this esoteric knowledge or this, this knowledge, uh, let's say very, very high, very conscious, you're still able to take it and actually embody it in a way that it shifts your life, because I think that's also one of the most important pieces of knowledge. Instead of it just be knowledge and information. I feel like the wisdom is when you're able to embody it and you're able to put it to use. Because I live in Miami and there's a lot of what I call spiritual seekers down there. It's interesting, like when I became a coach down there. I swear the next day I got turned around and like, and also 90 percent of Miami became coaches as well. It's very humbling experience. But one of the things I also notice is that people love to talk about their spirituality and you know the high realms of consciousness that they're able to achieve.
Speaker 2:But then you know you'll look on things and says well, you know what's going on with the rent. Or you know what's going on with your friendships. Or what's, or what's what's going on just with your, your, your, your own health, and so I think it's it's important to to do both, to like reach the higher realms, but also embody it. So that's just an example of what we were doing on the, on the coffee, on the conscious coffee chats. We wanted to give exposure to things that we were already having fun with.
Speaker 1:I got a good question for you. What?
Speaker 2:lesson did you learn from your last relationship? What did I learn? You know, I would say um to, to, to to work on my own masculinity. I'd say to to work on my my own, uh, leadership, Um, you know, a while back I, I, I said I back, I said I think it was more a statement, I said leadership is a thankless job. And so I realized and I thought I knew it, but apparently I didn't it's that the person who has the greatest ability, I think, to shape the relationship is Ismael.
Speaker 2:I think, in my opinion, because you are in that leadership role, you are in that take charge role, You're taking a relationship someplace, and so I feel that I could have done that better. You know, some things I saw, but I was passive about, or some things I saw and I said, well, you need to sort that out. That's you, and it wasn't to say that I was wrong, but I definitely wasn't right, because the better thing was hey, I noticed, this is going on. This is what I'm observing. These are my thoughts. What do you think? I think this would be better for us, or I think, like you might want to consider this, what are your thoughts? And gently guide, gently lead in that way as opposed to well. I'll be better when you're better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, well I'll, I'll be better when you're better type of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and so I think you know the biggest takeaway was, uh, uh, not to take my eye off the ball, which is always just to be my best self, and if, if I'm doing that, more than likely, the relationship is is working out.
Speaker 1:I 100% agree. You know all of us need to. Well, all of us are working on our leadership abilities, some of us are strong in other areas, you know. But we all kind of we're emotional, you know, we have our feelings and you get familiar with your partner. As you get more familiar, you start to lose some kind of degree of awareness or some level of self-control. Great relationships and relationships that ended.
Speaker 1:I do know that I was responsible, because when a woman submits to you and decides you're her guy, you're, you're the guy, you're the guy. So she's completely open to you, she's relaxed, she's pleasant. With that being said, there's going to be things that happen within that relationship and she'll she'll unconsciously test you and if you don't handle those tests correctly, you're slowly, like poisoning your relationship. You're not aware of it when it first happens, but probably six months a year, and it's more of these little tests that you don't pass. Eventually that clear water starts to turn gray and he's like what is going on? This is a completely different person and, um, in some cases, yes, you know, the people do reveal themselves after the honeymoon phase. But I promise you, in a lot of cases, if you were to set boundaries once you saw it, I think, as a man, you should look forward to the first issue within the relationship, because that's going to set the ground, the standard for the entire relationship.
Speaker 2:Wow, I like that. Be on the watch for it, expect that to show up and say now's my time to lead and really set the tone.
Speaker 1:Be excited about it. When you go through the honeymoon phase, you guys are hanging out, dating, doing all kinds of things. Just know in the back of your mind there's going to be a moment within this relationship where you're going to get tested, and then this is where you actually set the trajectory of your relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, you know, you know, I think there's a lot of parallels between being in relationship and having a job, because you know, when you have a job, you know there's a job description that goes along with it a lot, and so you have these roles and responsibilities and then, a lot of times, many places, you're going to have quarterly or like biannual performance reviews, and so you're constantly getting feedback on that, and so I think, ideally, a man in relationship is doing that for himself and he says, well, let me really figure out what the roles and responsibilities are here and let me check that with my partner to make sure, like we're in agreement that this is what I'm doing. Because that's the beautiful thing about couples as well is every relationship. It's unique in itself. Not everyone is having like the same agreements or need to have like the same thing, but you want you and your partner to be on the same page, and so, once you have that, not only should you be checking in with yourself to make sure that you're meeting the standard, so to speak, but you should be checking in with your partner and saying so. I think this is what I'm doing, and then this is how I'm performing. You're even scaling one to 10. And then you know you can get feedback from your partner on that and the.
Speaker 2:I think that the real test for a man it's you're not trying to reach this higher level or be this better person for her, you're trying to be that for yourself. And I think that's the power of a woman in a relationship, cause you said you know she'll test you. This is actually I guess I would call it well-documented or this well-known yes, women test men in relationship, so you can't want it to not happen. It's like saying, like I don't want to get wet when I go outside and it's raining. You know it's like you're going to get wet and so you're going to be in a relationship, you're going to get tested. And so the thing is well knowing you're going to be tested, like, are you prepared or how are you preparing to be tested? You know, yes, are you ready for battle?
Speaker 1:I want to. I want to share a story of a mess up that I had. You know, in the relationship this woman was like head over heels in love with me, would cook me. You know, you pick her up. She have a plate for you as she gets in the car. You know, buy gifts. She was a good woman, right.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And she was this way for about seven months and then one day she texts me out of the blue Sorry, I can't do this. I can't be in this relationship. You're always working so hard I have. I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't be in this relationship. You're always working so hard, I don't have time for me and I can't do this Right. So I was actually at the gym with my boys at the time and I was like, oh my goodness, Like where did this come from? We've never had one issue.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Like I'm not going to have a good workout now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly Right. So exactly. So I, I, I with my boys, I finished my workout. They don't know nothing that's going on. I get in my car and then I'm driving and this is the mistake that I made, cause it changed the trajectory of our relationship. I called her and I tried to fix the relationship. I tried to convince her like hey, you know what's going on, you know I don't care about you. This and that, yada, yada, yada Even though that was very small, you know. And I actually went over to her place. We spoke and hugged and all that stuff, and it was cool.
Speaker 1:But what I really should have did was I should have told her. I should have said look, you know, I enjoyed my time with you. I value you as a person, as with you, I value you as a person, as a partner. I was looking forward to building something with you. But if you don't feel like this is right for you, I wish you all the best and take care of something like that. It was just a test. That girl loved me. It was just a test. She wasn't going nowhere. Once I did that. When you rewind your relationships, you start to think when did things start to change? And that's when it changed.
Speaker 1:That was it? That was when it changed that little, just that little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like she said let me see if I can get him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't even think it was conscious, I think that she was just crazy about me and just wanted she didn't have as much control over me as she wanted and it was giving her anxiety and she's just like you know, yeah, yeah, that's that's the thing you said that she may not have, even if known, and that's that's the the beauty and like the humor of of the relationships and and seeing how they progress, because a woman is just has that wonderful ability to just test, and it's not something that you know she goes to school for it's. It's just, it's just a nature of the relationship and so, yeah, when a guy faces that, you know, you, you, you can't be shook. Yeah, you, you, you have to say oh, okay, and and then know the request is it's like she, it's like she's always asking are you still a safe option for me?
Speaker 2:Yes, I still feel secure with you Can, can you? I'm looking to you for grounding, so can you be grounded when things feel chaotic.
Speaker 1:And if you fail those tests, you're going to start saying can I find something better than you? That's what it's going to go to if you don't pass those initial tests, you know because it will get worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that's I feel like in relationships. Like you know, there's as you become more conscious. You do your work. You mentioned the spiritual work that you do. Maybe your tracking partners have done the same. I do think it changes over time. I don't think it ever completely alters, but I do think the testing becomes less, or maybe a certain set of expectations starts to morph and people, once they realize that who they're looking for is actually themselves, they're looking for themselves to show up, they're looking to have the best relationship with themselves. Once that starts to show up, more and more, you let go of having the expectation that your partner is going to deliver these things to you, deliver these things to you, and I feel it becomes a more. I guess the word I would say is maybe it's not the best, just a more honest relationship because, instead of requiring them to give you things, you're like, no, I'm, I'm here because, because I choose to be, yeah yeah, you're.
Speaker 1:You learned like. They say be yourself. I know it's's a lot of people don't. What is the word I'm looking for? It's like a saying. They say say be yourself whatever, but it's the truth Be yourself in all, at all times, and that's going to help you attract the people that you that you ultimately need to attract.
Speaker 2:I know you go ahead, I would. I would actually say no. I wouldn't say necessarily be yourself. I would say more the tact I would have people take is be the person you know you should be.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I get what you're saying, I just don't know if that's going to work. For put it like this there's a book called the Righteous Mind written by a professor at NYU, jonathan Haidt, and within that book he talks about morality and he said that all of us are born with our own sense of right and wrong. We kind of conform to whatever society tells us is right and wrong. And I don't think if you gave people the freedom to make that kind of decision like, be the person you think you should be I don't think most people would do that. I think that people are going to be whatever their DNA gave them. They're going to run away with that. But I don't want to get too deep and I want to ask. You asked the question for me. I'll ask you what questions would you like to ask me? And one of the questions was what challenge transformed you the most in life? And I already knew what that was it's heartache. That's the biggest one in my life that's ever made a difference.
Speaker 1:I remember when I met this girl when I was 12. We were together when I was until I was 13. We used to stay up on the phone from 8 pm to 5 am. You know we used to do those things. And then I remember we broke up because of something silly, right, and that year, like, I saw her with other guys that I went to school with, you know, my friends, my other friends, but she was trying to make me jealous. But that year, because of that heartbreak, nobody knew. I kept it to myself. I dealt with it but I became. We won every single. We won the basketball championship that year, we won the football championship. That year I got athlete of the year and that ultimately led to me getting a scholarship at one of the best high schools in the Bay Area of California, got me a college and then I got college football scholarship. So that worked out.
Speaker 1:And there was another woman, you know, loved me but I wasn't good enough because she came from a wealthier family, father was a Stanford professor, yada, yada. And then she liked me but I just didn't fit. I didn't fit her social stuff. We knew each other for years and it's so funny. I worked. I worked so hard, changed my life, done a few things. And that girl called me back on my, on her wedding, not her wedding day, but she called me and was like Duran, I didn't know you was doing all this type of stuff. Yada, yada, yada. And she has a fiance and I'm on a three-way call with her and her mother. She's talking to me about how life, how cool my life is, you know. Oh yeah, and she has a fiance and now she's about to marry this dude. So that was, and that was like two years ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wow, that has to be. I'm not sure if this is the right word, but it has to be very validating, or, like, I have made the right choices.
Speaker 1:I'm happy. I'm not really I have a problem. I'm not really. I don't give myself enough pats on the back. I don't celebrate my victories, but I do.
Speaker 1:I'm very um grateful for my younger self because I feel like my younger self was a lot more confident. They knew who they were a lot better. They always my younger self always set those boundaries because I had. It was harder when I was a kid. Life was harder, the environment was harder. You know, I didn't have my teachers used to tell me I was stupid but, for whatever reason, most kids will break down in that situation. But my younger self, for whatever reason, I did not. My spirit was strong enough to just be like, hey, I will speak up against people, like no, I knew who I was. And I look back and like I'm like man. I feel like my younger self was a better man than I am now. I'm trying to become who I was when I was a kid. That's who I'm really proud of. I'm proud that, for whatever reason, I stayed focused when I was that young. Right now, life is up to me. I'm mature. There's so much information on the internet. There's a. There's a pathway.
Speaker 2:When I was a kid, there was no path, I would just fold enough to create, make my own way yeah, you know, I think this is where the soul age comes into play, because, you know, I I would say your soul age was mature enough, like when it faced adversity. Instead of crumble say no, I'm going to use this as fuel to excel and and and go even further, um, which which I don't think what we would call like the new souls would would arrive at. And it also brings up, I think, an interesting point. You know it's, it's funny. It's like we're always trying to, I think, make things a bit more comfortable or like make things like easier.
Speaker 2:And you know, I think the irony of that is some of our best work comes when things are not comfortable. Uh, you can, when the challenges are the greatest. You know, I, I see a lot of times like a music artist, you know, like when they're young they got nothing. You know they're coming out with incredible songs or albums and stuff, and then, like you know, the later work where you would think you know they've got more talent, more resources, more connections, it it feels like less inspired or less impactful um, you don't feel the passion.
Speaker 1:It's like when you listen to those old 70s, 80s r&b or songs you can feel, you can feel the energy of that song. Even if you listen to live music, you can feel the spirit of that music. But some of the when people get comfortable, you can see that the feeling has left the um, has left the music yeah, yeah, it's um.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that that one out because it's. I found it made me hard to, like me, artificially produce that um, but I, I identify what you're saying. Like I do think in my own case, in some ways, some of parts of my younger self just lean to the things like much more, say that now, even though, like now, I've got more resources, more knowledge, more wisdom, and I think it's part of is because things are are not as tough or as challenging as as as they were. So, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to um. You myself understand, I guess, what we call like intrinsic motivation as opposed to extrinsic, uh, to really find that to to keep those fires like burning at a very high level you know um my younger, that relationship that I was talking about with the, the woman bring me food.
Speaker 1:My younger self would never fumble that relationship right, my younger self would not have fumbled that relationship yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Your younger self says oh you, you don't want to do this anymore. Okay, I understand.
Speaker 1:I remember girls just called me conceited, cocky, but people loved me. I loved myself when I was that young, for whatever reason, I loved myself. There's another question. You asked me what is the number one relationship tip you would have to share with women to men. Is that what that is? Share, share, oh, share, to both women and men. I think that we already said it Don't lose yourself.
Speaker 1:Within a relationship you should focus on. You want to be loving, you want to be giving, but you want to make sure you have a partner that's a giver as well. You don't want to have to sacrifice your whole being for a relationship to work. People will make their minds up about a specific person and they'll invest so much energy into that person and then, when it doesn't work out, they just collapse and they have, you know, therapy they got to go to.
Speaker 1:But if you want to stay true to yourself and then, once that person crossed your boundaries, you would have been, you would have been confident and you would have been I want to say you would have been in a mental state to to let that person know like hey, you know I, I don't approve of that, I don't like that. You know I can't. That doesn't work for me in this relationship and if you focus on you, you'll all. If you, if you focus on who you are and how you feel, you know you'll, you'll. I think you'll always make. If you're mature, you know, if you're mature, you've done the work and you're conscious, you're focusing on who you are. I think you'll always make a healthy decision within the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. You know, as you were saying this, my mind kept going back to that work analogy, because, essentially, at work, maybe some people are, but I would say, for the most part, you're not necessarily looking to to be loved. That's not like the place where you're looking for affection. You understand very explicitly how things are, like I said, the roles and responsibilities. This is your compensation, and in relationship, we'd like to think, oh, this is a place where someone can give us these things that we're seeking, you know, the love, the affection, the respect. And it's not to say that can happen. I mean, I do want to make that point, it can happen. However, it's definitely going to be inconsistent and if you're not giving that to yourself, like first and foremost, primarily, eventually, something's not going to going to work out. And so when you said, like you don't want to lose yourself, I always think it's interesting that a lot of times a relationship ends.
Speaker 2:That's when people put the work in. You know, oh, I'm going to get in shape. Oh, I'm going to like, read these books. Or like, oh, I'm going to like, you know, do this travel. Or I'm going to like, take these classes. And you know to me whenever I hear that. That's just a reminder to me. It's like all those things that you waited to do you should have been doing along the way, just to show that you're prioritizing yourself, and I think that itself helped strengthen the relationship, because everyone is weakened the more that they put what I call their like refueling source, or their power source, outside of themselves as opposed to like cultivating it within themselves.
Speaker 1:One hundred percent, Dominic. Do you have any closing statement?
Speaker 2:You know, I wish I could say to be original, but but it's not, I heard it, I just like it. Go with it. Just whatever you're looking for, if you look for it internally, you sit with yourself. You'll find it inside as opposed to finding, finding outside. So, whatever that is you're, you're looking for the, the better partner. Think, well, if I get the partner, what's that going to give me? I'm looking for, the more money I'm looking for to live in this different place, what's the emotional experience I'm trying to get? And then ask yourself and this is going within why am I not giving myself that emotional experience right now? And how can I, even without doing these other things, how can I just give myself that emotional experience right now? I think? I think that would be the parting words, the guidance I would give people.
Speaker 1:Lovely. You know this. This is the first podcast I had where it was just a conversation, where I didn't feel like I was just asking a bunch of questions and then getting a dull answer, feel like I was just asking a bunch of questions and then getting a dull answer. We were actually having a real conversation and it flowed so lovely.
Speaker 2:So thank you for that. It did. Thank you, I felt that way and I was feeling. I was just feeling really called because this first time we talked I said I want to hear more from Darren and I know what I think. And I said, but let me risk being disagreed with that works.
Speaker 1:I enjoy this. I enjoy this. We'll do it again sometime, definitely. All right, absolutely, absolutely. Thank you have a good one. Thanks for being here, all right.
