Philosophy for Life
Welcome to the Philosophy for Life podcast, hosted by Darron Brown, where we explore the profound questions and timeless wisdom that shape our existence. Join us on a journey of self-discovery and intellectual exploration as we delve into the depths of philosophy, spirituality, ethics, and the human experience. Through thought-provoking discussions, engaging interviews, and insightful analysis, we seek to unravel the mysteries of life and uncover the underlying truths that guide us. Discover practical insights and philosophical perspectives that can enrich your daily life, challenge your perspectives, and inspire personal growth. Whether you're a curious seeker, a deep thinker, or simply someone passionate about understanding the complexities of our world, Philosophy for Life is your gateway to wisdom and enlightenment. Subscribe now and embark on a transformative quest to gain clarity, find purpose, and embrace the profound beauty of existence.
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Philosophy for Life
Embracing Audacity with Helene Caniac
Have you ever stood at the crossroads of your cultural identity and wondered how to forge your path? Helene Caniac joined us on Philosophy for Life to share her audacious journey, starting as an empathetic outsider in France to finding her stride through resilience and ROTC in college. Our conversation soars across continents, examining the dance between the social fabrics of France and the US, and arriving at the universal truth of human connection, regardless of geographical borders.
Peeling back the layers of our experiences, I opened up about the transformative power of vulnerability and boundary-setting in our lives. A past Halloween costume with an ex-partner became a metaphor for deeper issues, and through this memory, we unpacked the 'five P's of reclaiming your power.' It's not just about finding your voice; it's about harmonizing your actions with your deepest desires and values, stepping into empowerment through authentic living.
Wrapping up, we dug into the gritty transition from military to civilian life, facing the tug-of-war between duty and personal goals. We tackled the stark challenges women confront in male-dominated workplaces, from gender-based disrespect to maintaining integrity against all odds. Helene and I hope our candid discussion lights a spark in you to live boldly, championing effective communication and the confidence to stand up for yourself and others. So, come along for a conversation that is as appreciative as it is thoughtful, and may just leave you feeling inspired to embrace your own audacity.
Hey, what's up guys? This is Duran. I'm your host of the podcast Philosophy for Life. I have an exciting guest, helene Kaniak, and we're going to talk about mindset, self-improvement, the power of living life audaciously, and we're just going to get to know each other a little bit better. Helene, can you give yourself a short introduction?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, duran, and let me know if I ever mispronounce your name. Like I said, my name is Helene, and I want to introduce myself as an adventurous, bold, tenaciously curious person, and I'm intentional about introducing myself that way, because I think you're expecting me to tell you about my accolades and my accomplishments and what I do, which I will get to, I'm sure, in this conversation, but part of my philosophy is that who we are transcends what we do, and so I wanted to lead with things that you would know about me if you spent any amount of time with me that I'm adventurous and eternally curious.
Speaker 1:Okay. So how have you learned that title of being bold?
Speaker 2:It's been bestowed to me. I think it's something that I. It's nothing we feel like we're doing. If we're really feeling bold and embodying boldness, I don't think it's something that we realize we're doing until after the fact or until someone reflects that upon us, Because really anything that subverts the norm or that goes against the status quo could be perceived as bold. But we are just doing what feels authentic and natural to us when we're doing it. What feels authentic and natural to us when we're doing it, so it's something. I think it's bestowed on you by others. It's kind of like that stereotype when people are like oh my God, you're so brave for doing that thing. I could never do that. They call you brave, but you don't think what you're doing is brave. You're doing what feels right to you at the time and I think that's what makes it so powerful and inspiring to others when you do it, because they're like oh, this seems to come naturally to you. I could never imagine doing something that looks effortless to you.
Speaker 1:Tell me your story from the beginning. I want to know who you were growing up. You said you grew up in France. Who were you growing up? And then compared to who you are now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a great question. So growing up in so I was born in America, grew up in the South of France did all of my elementary schooling there because my father's half French and my mom was American and so I grew up in this really privileged situation where I was able to learn both languages and be bilingual. So that left me with a lot of privilege here. But I joke that it was just the same trauma that you experience as a kid, but with a nicer view. They're like, oh, the South of France, how fancy. And it's like you're still a kid dealing with parents who are divorcing and feeling alone and being bullied for different things at school. So it was interesting to.
Speaker 2:When I reflect back on my childhood, I was an only child. I was very protective of my mother. I was very empathetic, like she was, and I was very combative, like my dad was, and so when I first showed up in France, not knowing the language, being like four years old wanting to integrate, I really felt like I had to leverage empathy and leverage inner strength in order to get through, and so I was very academically oriented. That was kind of like my lifeline of like if I can prove that I belong through my academic success and through my achievements, then maybe they'll finally accept me and they'll stop calling me the American girl and they'll stop othering me in that way. And when I moved back to American high school, like right at the start of high school and middle school, I experienced the same thing. They were calling, you know, french fries, freedom fries, and they were just not loving on the French at the time and again.
Speaker 2:My natural state is to be kind to people, but when I'm faced with anything that I don't understand, my natural instinct it tends to be to rebel.
Speaker 2:And so it wasn't like oh no, they're being mean and they're bullying me. Let me be more American. At that point I was like oh like, where's France on a map? Can you even point to it? And they couldn't. And I was like see. So, just like I started carving this inner confidence, I was very much I'll show you what I can do if you don't think I'm capable and I kind of let that spirit guide me until I went to college in Pittsburgh amazing school and I got into the ROTC program, the Reserve Officer Training Corps. So I basically started training to be in the Air Force as an officer as soon as I hit college and another decision that I made because I was trying to challenge myself and specifically do something that no one expected of me to do, that I didn't think I was necessarily capable of, but that I perceived as an adventure that could lead me towards greater improvement and understanding within myself.
Speaker 1:And then the military is something I got out of only last year, so okay, you know I was looking up information on you, uh, military information, on youtube and also on ig, and I just didn't find too much information. But before we even dive into that, I want to to rewind and go back to your time in France. How, socially, how is it different in France compared to the States? Because, you know, we have a bunch of different when it comes to relationships, specifically the way we go about dating, socializing, building our friendships In the Western world in general, it's, I don't know, things are becoming a little bit more toxic in that regard. So I'm just wondering, like, how are, what are the differences between two countries?
Speaker 2:Yeah, people always ask me that question and there's definitely more similarities than differences. But to your point, I think what's first noticeable and this kind of plays into the stereotype that people have about the French right Is that the French are not as performative as the Americans. And when I say that I mean there's a reason that when you see them you perceive them as rude because they're not putting on any kind of like fake face, like there's no need for them to like. Why would I smile at you? What have you done to make me smile? Nothing, so why would I smile to make me smile? Nothing. So why would I smile? Why would I bend over backwards for you?
Speaker 2:It's just there's this expectation of equity and equality and how they interact with you, and I think that means also there's a less, there's less perceived friendliness, but that doesn't mean that they're less kind. So I think in our relationships there's a lot more boldness. Brashness, like candor, is the word I would use. Where the French will? You know the capitalist structure, the need to achieve, and so on a practical level in France also, they have a completely different work ethic. They have a completely different culture around pleasure versus productivity. So I think if I had to really define and separate those two. I'd say America is all about being productive and France is all about, you know, experiencing pleasure. And I think that permeates in the workplace, that permeates in your individual relationships and what you decide to spend your energy on.
Speaker 1:That's a nice way of saying that Americans are phony. You know, one thing I noticed is that before, well, when I was growing up, there was only about three channels on TV, so we didn't have as many sources trying to control the way that we thought. So for me, my neighborhood, my community, we people are pretty direct and they weren't the kindest people, but we did build strong, genuine relationships and because of that when I went to college it's the first time you're around people from different cultures, not just around the States, but now also people from different parts of the world, and most of my friends I play college football, so most of my friends outside of the football team were foreign and we got along very well because I guess in those European countries or other parts of the world people are just more direct. They didn't have the culture, they didn't have the middle class culture in America where you had to smile, act like everything was all right, take a depression pill or something like that. None of us had that. So I remember I'm actually going to Dubai to visit a friend of mine from college in a few days, so it's going to be pretty fun.
Speaker 1:You know I'm somebody from Middle East, but then I remember in our group I can't remember her name, but it was a girl from France that was in our group. She was attractive, she always wore black and red lipstick and I thought she was super, super rude. So when I spoke to her one time never spoke to her again I was like all right, you know, screw you, I don't have to speak to you anymore. And I said you know, I'm not speaking to you anymore. And she was like so I thought she was racist, right and uh.
Speaker 1:And then, like a month or two later, I found out she was hooking up with this, uh, this black guy from like the South somewhere, and I was like like what the heck? I misread that. But I but I think that she just was uh nonchalant about a lot of different things. I was like, all right, I thought it was so funny because she held herself as like upper class, uh, bougie French woman. She, you know, knows everything smokes. And then she was hooking up with this dude that I knew was wild. I was like, okay, you don't know what, you don't know. Back on track, since you're encouraging people to live life audaciously, was there a point in your life where you felt like you were more timid. You felt like people were walking all over you. Did you ever have to overcome some issues that actually learned that living life boldly is the way to go?
Speaker 2:Yeah, great question. I think everyone's definition of audacious and bold is going to be specific to them, right? So when I say I want people living life audaciously and embracing their inner audacity, it's not I don't want you doing what I do. I don't want you doing. You know their own definition of bold either. It's what is the brave, courageous thing that you will do. That reflects what you actually want and not what you're expected to want, not what you think you should want. So, within that context, when you asked me, is there a time when I wasn't being bold and audacious? I think to the outside world, by their definition, no, they always saw me as like, the strong one, the bold one, the brave one, the bold one, the brave one, the courageous one.
Speaker 2:I think, internally, where I wasn't being bold with myself was when I was. There was a time when I was really repressing my vulnerability and I really, like, hid that away for a very long time until 2014 when my mom passed away. Until in 2014, when my mom passed away and at the time that kind of wrecked me. It broke me wide open, um and cause. Everyone saw me as the strong one and she was the only person I was ever vulnerable with and so when she passed, it kind of like put a chink in my armor, uh, but it was such a big chink that I like didn't know how to close it back up.
Speaker 2:Everything felt soft and sensitive and squishy and I didn't know how to deal with that. That I didn't know how to close it back up. Everything felt soft and sensitive and squishy and I didn't know how to deal with that. I didn't know how to deal with having feelings and softer feelings and emotions and showing them. So I was very good at being bold and audacious when it came to strength and stereotypical definitions of power and perception of power and being able to push through and challenge myself and do the hard thing. Where I wasn't being bold and audacious was daring to do the easy thing, daring to be soft, daring to be held, daring to ask for help. Being vulnerable ended up being the most audacious thing I had to learn how to embrace how.
Speaker 1:I'm wondering how cause I'm relating this to myself. Um, I've always been really aggressive. I had to learn how to calm down, so I've always been pretty aggressive, athletic, went for the things that I wanted to go for in life. But I do know in my early twenties I became aware that, um, I wasn't as bold or vulnerable when it came to my romantic relationships Like I got. I had a lot of attention, but when it came to really going for the women that I really wanted and building something off of that, there were women that I really wanted, that wanted me, but I knew that when it came to taking that step, there was something preventing me from actually engaging in that relationship, being vulnerable and building something that could potentially be beautiful. What I'm wondering, because you seem pretty tough you did military, strong-minded. Did you ever have run into issues of vulnerability when it came to romantic relationships?
Speaker 2:Yes, deep down. Yes, I know now, as the coach, reflecting back, that I am the mindset coach I've done, you know, I've got 13 certifications that, uh, you know, help me understand why we do what we do as people. Um, looking back, absolutely, I can see how my lack of vulnerability stood in my way. I think if you were to ask me four years ago, I wouldn't have seen it as a problem and I would have seen it as just well, we're incompatible. But it was my lack of willingness to be vulnerable that led me to attract people that I was not compatible with.
Speaker 2:So the part of me that was always seeking a challenge also meant that there was a part of me that always looked for someone who was different than I was or who would test me or challenge me, and so, in some ways, the more incompatible the relationship, the more of a challenge I personally took on.
Speaker 2:Like well, I can be anything to anyone and I can be adaptable, and you know I can be a great girlfriend, and so being a good partner became another accomplishment and achievement for me to prove myself through. The problem was and where I wasn't being vulnerable in this definition was actually holding space and connecting to what my personal wants and desires were and I wasn't letting those take priority and take precedence. So I'll give you an example of I dated a guy who, uh, like, decent dude, good, good like no, no animosity there. But we were so different that we once went to uh dressed up as Halloween and the last minute couples costume as, uh, bell and Gaston from beauty and the beast and Disney, which I don't know if you've ever seen the movie, the animated movie. But they are antagonists. They are not.
Speaker 2:they don't end up together yeah and everyone would come up to us and be like, oh my god, this is so accurate, this is so. And I was like talk about like a walking red flag. And you're like, okay, everyone else sees and knows how different we are. And I had sacrificed so many personal hobbies I wanted to go swing, dancing, I wanted to go to live jazz events. I had things I wanted to do and bring my partner to go do, but they didn't want to do that, you know.
Speaker 2:But when they wanted to go on a hunting trip or they wanted to go, you know, do an activity that involved a lot of drinking, then I was like, okay, well, I'll do this because the relationship is more important and I can settle with not having my needs met. And so, in those ways, I sacrificed it. And I think if I'd been willing to admit that I was unhappy which is historically the hardest thing I've ever had to do when I was able to be vulnerable enough to admit that I was unhappy, especially as a high achiever, big performer in that regard, that was the most vulnerable thing I could do is admit to satisfaction, and that's what allowed me to kind of be like nope, I don't need this relationship is not doing it for me, like I can be good at it and it's not good for me.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you went there because I've actually learned that I want to say recently myself, is that being the perfect partner isn't always a matter of saying yes and doing everything the right way, looking perfect, sounding perfect. A lot of it has to do with you being able to say no and giving that relationship opportunity to grow, because once you set those boundaries you guys kind of get earn respect for each other and allows both of you guys to grow. But I really didn't. I don't know for whatever reason, I just didn't understand that at some point in time. But now I know like, oh, you know, when you say no, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but the two of you can have that conversation, duke it out if you have to duke it out, but it actually brings you guys a lot closer.
Speaker 2:after you go through that, yeah, absolutely, and I think what you just said was brilliant about reframing boundaries, not just in the context of relationships. But every time we say no and this is why I tell my clients or lead them to realize, is saying no is really just setting yourself up for the next opportunity, right Like N O, next opportunity You're. Every time you say no to something, you're really saying yes to something else. So it's not the end of a conversation. It can be the start of a negotiation.
Speaker 1:You know you've always been pretty bold, but when you're working with a client, a lot most people aren't. I want to say they aren't that confident or that sure of themselves or do they know themselves. How do you help somebody gain the confidence to live life boldly, not living by their parents' standard, their social group standard? How do you allow them to get the confidence to live life the way they want to live it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and that's mostly what I help people with. Right, they come to me because they want to feel. They think they want something more superficial, right, whether it's you know, to know what next career move they want to make, what job to do, how to heal their relationship with their boss. But really, when I start working with them, I lead them through what I call like the five P's of reclaiming your power. And so the first one is I allow them to be present. I teach them not how to figure out what's next. I let them focus on what's now.
Speaker 2:Like most people are so busy. What allows us to think of? What does what do my parents want? What should I do next? What does my company expect of me? We're always thinking in the future, and so I think the first step is like okay, where are you at right now? What are you feeling?
Speaker 2:So I help them reconnect a lot to their thoughts, their feelings, their emotions that are kind of a little deeper and allow them to make connections between those things and their behaviors and their actions, because they know they can be dissatisfied with their habits and their actions, but they're not necessarily accounting for why they're doing what they're doing. Which leads me to the most important thing that I help them understand before they get confident is rediscovering their purpose. Now, when I say purpose, I don't mean this overwhelming sense that you have one purpose in life and you have to do it and you have to figure out, otherwise you're screwed. That's overwhelming. I mean, for what purpose? What is their why in this moment? What is their drive? What is motivating them consciously and unconsciously? And they need to become aware, first and foremost, that what's been motivating them has not been self-motivated. So before they can be bold and be confident, they have to first realize okay, I am not doing what I want to do. Oh, okay, well then, why am I doing what I'm doing? Okay, well, yeah, when my dad told me when I was 10, that you know, if I didn't maintain my reputation and work hard, that I would never be respected in life. So now, every decision I've made unconsciously has been built on how do I, if I didn't maintain my reputation and work hard, that I would never be respected in life? So now, every decision I've made unconsciously has been built on how do I earn the most respect and the best reputation, which sets me up to build everything I do based on how others will perceive me Right.
Speaker 2:Once they have that awareness, then we can start saying okay, do you want to keep this definition in your head? Do you want to keep this definition in your head? Do you want to keep this motivation inside of you? Is this what you still want? And most of the time they say no. I want to be motivated differently, but I don't know how. I'm like cool.
Speaker 2:So then we focus on what are all of the things that do bring you joy, what are the things that do bring you pleasure, that make you feel comfortable, and ultimately, I help them reconfigure their purpose so that it's motivating them towards pleasure and not away from pain. And so that's really the first essential piece. Because confidence I don't know if the question or like, begs the answer of well, I just tell them to do power poses and speak loudly and walk softly and carry a big stick. Confidence is innate. I don't want people to have the confidence that we perceive as performative. I want them to have, almost like, more of a French confidence, that nonchalance that you're describing, rather than American confidence.
Speaker 2:I don't need them to be loud and bold. They can be introverted and quiet and shy and still be confident and bold. The difference is when someone speaks up at a meeting, they're not taking that to mean something about themselves. They're not letting outside circumstances dictate their self-worth. So they're being bold by letting things like roll off their shoulders and by being able to say no when things don't align with who they are. And that starts with them realizing okay, why do I want what I want? What's driving me? And then who do I want to become, such that it aligns with why I want to be here?
Speaker 1:Why does this work matter to you?
Speaker 2:So when I was in the military, my job was a criminal investigator, so I was a federal agent for the Air Force and my job was to interview and collect facts and talk to a lot of people who were both accused of crimes, victims of crimes, witnesses to crime. So you can imagine my job was basically to make people feel safe enough to talk to me on their worst day during a very scary moment. And while I learned a lot of skills from that and I am really grateful I was able to help people in that way, what I came to realize and be frustrated by was how many of the crimes and how much pain I witnessed was preventable through communication, everything that had happened. If people had known how to express themselves, all of the crimes I saw could have been committed or could have been prevented, right From like the murder-suicide to the assault to domestic violence cases. If people were and I don't mean just like, oh, if you just had a conversation and gone to couples therapy, but I also mean the communication internally with themselves If they had known what they were feeling and appreciated and learned how to healthily feel their feelings and be present and know what they wanted and given themselves permission to want what they wanted. They wouldn't have felt the need to express themselves in a way that was unhealthy and had external circumstances suffer.
Speaker 2:And then also there are a lot of people who didn't know how to say no. I had a lot of. It broke my heart when a lot of victims were like I just didn't, I was afraid that if I said no, I didn't know what would happen. I was afraid that if I said no, I didn't know what would happen. Or I didn't know how to say no, and folks were also afraid of saying yes, and so that broke my heart in a big way and it really drove me to say okay, if I can help people say no confidently and actually know what they want, so they know what they're saying no to, then the ripple effect I can create is those people can then inspire those around them to speak up for themselves and take a stand for themselves. So that's what motivates me.
Speaker 1:You know, I want to say I've seen this, I've seen this within my social groups. We'll see somebody that's getting bullied and then there's people in the group who could say something, but instead they they join in on it just because they feel like, uh, I don't know, they're weaker than the person that's doing the bullying. Or I see it in work. Sometimes the workplace is beautiful and it becomes toxic because nobody's calling out that one person or they're intimidated by that boss. And I've also seen I worked for I worked for University of Utah's police department for six years and, um, there was an incident where one of the track players was murdered by her boyfriend and, um, her and her parents reported this guy for almost a year that he's been stalking her. He's doing X, y and Z Nobody from the police department. They're always waiting for somebody else to address it.
Speaker 1:And I see this same behavior in many different areas of life. But why do you think that people do this? They don't speak up, they don't say anything. They kind of go with the flow. They just want somebody else to address these issues Like why does that happen?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it happens. I mean, I know from I will say this is all anecdotal, I don't have studies to back this up right now, but from the you know over 200 clients that I've coached just in the last three years alone what I've gained anecdotally, plus you know the crimes I investigated for eight years social and peer and cultural pressure, right, those social mores, those rules that are instilled in us at the imprint stage when we grow up. We perceive those to be rules that keep us safe. And so the same reason someone might speak up or I might intervene as a bystander to keep someone else safe are the same rules that allow someone to stay quiet because those people want to prioritize their safety. And maybe they learn that if I speak up, if I rock the boat, whether it's at a meeting or in the middle of a violent fight, if I intervene, I'm putting my safety on the line, I'm jeopardizing my sense of security.
Speaker 2:And I think people don't necessarily think that consciously. I think that's the unconscious, like I don't want to rock the boat because I want to keep the status quo, because the status quo, I was told, would keep me safe. And then we know we live in a society where the status quo does not keep anyone safe. Necessarily, it's not structured for that. But I do think there's another piece of to your point when we think about your friends not the bystanderer not getting involved because they think they're weaker than the bully.
Speaker 2:I think we also have this definition of success in the society. That implies we have to win and defeat, and so if I can't beat you, I shouldn't participate in the game. When I think we need to redefine success as if I can take a stand for what's important, what's right for myself and for others, if I'm doing the thing that I'm called to do in service of myself and others and it could have a chance of benefiting others, it was worth it. And so I think if we see things as a zero sum game, it makes it a lot harder for people to feel like they can have any positive impact on the situation. But actually, if they were to take that step, they'd be surprised at how much influence they would have on the people around them.
Speaker 1:I want to talk about your military experience. Why? What made you somebody that was from France, you know, um attractive, artsy, creative woman? What would make you want to go into the military when you get into college?
Speaker 2:Um, so I one it was a little bit by accident Um, I didn't even know it was a thing that you could do military stuff in college. I thought that was just like a high school thing, like the ROTC program, and my former debate partner Cause of course I was on the debate team because how else am I going to achieve all the things and pad my resume and, you know, yell at people so my debate partner was going to an ROTC meeting and he was the only person I knew at this college and I was like he was like do you want to come? I was like sure. So I went and two things I noticed One I like getting yelled at because it felt like home. I was like, oh, chaos, stress, this is, I mean, like looking back, you're like, well, this is not a healthy coping mechanism. But at the time I was genuinely like, oh, this, this feels familiar, I can handle like chaos because, coming from the emotional background that I did and living in like the Midwest, even like kind of the Northeast Midwest, I couldn't handle people being passive, aggressive. So I think for me, when I was exposed to kind of the military training environment, where it's very direct in communication, it's very demanding, it's very bold and upfront. That was very comforting to me because I was like, oh okay, these people are speaking directly, they're speaking my language, they're letting their expectations be known and met. So I think that was attractive to me.
Speaker 2:Also, I could not run on the track. I'd never run before in my life and I was. I literally had to walk it the first time. I'd never run before in my life and I was. I literally had to walk it the first time. I didn't have an athletic bone in my body, um, and I liked that challenge. I was like what's going to hold me accountable to doing something I would never do otherwise, this thing and so I did it for the challenge.
Speaker 2:I did it because I liked the direct communication and, lastly, I wanted something to hold me accountable and, more importantly, I wanted something that would hold people around me accountable, because it was nice. I had this perception that if I go into the military, everyone else is going to have their act together and everyone's going to be forced to have their act together and I won't have to take care of anyone, because I kind of grew up parentified and like taking care of my mom and like taking care of people around me, and so I thought this will be a nice break. Everyone will have their act together and, lo and behold, I ended up doing the one job in the military which is exclusively to hold other people accountable, and and be an officer, and be an investigator, and, you know, be kind of the internal investigator and make sure the military is being held accountable. So kind of bit myself in the butt there.
Speaker 1:What kind of things in the military did you have to? What was it you said you had to hold people accountable but you had to address like cases, like what kind of things, issues did you have to address within the military that people came up to you with?
Speaker 2:you have to address within the military that people came up to you with. Yeah, so in my role I if anyone's seen like the TV show like NCIS that was the Air Force version of that of that entity, but less running and gunning and being cool. So what I really had to address was anytime a crime was committed by someone in the Air Force to someone in the Air Force, or, later in my career, anything impacting the Department of Defense contractually that came to fraud, theft, anything along those lines. I would get involved and try to find the facts of the matter.
Speaker 2:The nice thing about my job is that it wasn't my job to come to a conclusion, which meant I genuinely could be impartial and biased in how I collected information. So I had to just gather data, talk to people and make sure I properly communicated what they communicated to me onto paper so that someone else could make a decision based on their livelihood, and so in that sense, there was a lot of responsibility to make sure that for me, I captured the information correctly, I got everything that they wanted to say out and let them be vulnerable enough to tell me what they were thinking and feeling so that you know they could put their future in someone else's hands. But yeah, so that meant that we had to. There were a lot of, you know sex, drugs, rock and roll, like all the crimes under the sun, is what I ended up looking into in my eight year career.
Speaker 1:Okay, and why did you leave the military?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I've been talking to a lot of folks getting out and we all kind of say the same thing, which is the decision to get out of the military is rarely an instantaneous one. It's this feeling of I'm getting ready to get out and you're usually just like waiting for the right time or the straw, that kind of breaks the camel's back. And so I known I was never going to do 20 years and retire from the beginning, from the outset, this, the military, was something I wanted to take advantage of in terms of the training, the experience, the giving back component while I could, because I was like I can't be in the military when I'm 70. But I could go to law school when I'm 70. So let me do the thing I can only do when I'm young. And so by the time I got out, I was already pretty clear that the I was no longer in alignment with the values of the Department of Defense and I didn't like my salary derived from taxpayer dollars going towards the efforts of the entity. So there was this values misalignment of I don't want to be a part of this. And then there was also a matter of self-respect for my time and my priorities. So if the most precious thing we have in this world, which I believe is our time, because we cannot get that back do I want? Is this the best use of my time? Do I want to be spending my hours in this cause and this mission? Is this leveraging my best skill sets If it's impacting people the? Do I want to be spending my hours in this cause and this mission? Is this leveraging my best skill sets If it's impacting people the way I want to?
Speaker 2:And so once I got to a place where I felt like I wasn't improving myself and I wasn't improving my environment, then I knew it was time to leave.
Speaker 2:Then it was just a matter of timing and they'd offered me a last assignment to Niger, in Africa, for a year, and I wouldn't have been able to leave or travel whenever I wanted if I'd gone, which is true of the military in general they can always say no, you can't go anywhere, you go. My father was kind of sick still is like a nailing old man and then my 85 year old grandmother, being some of the last family I have, were people that I wanted to be able to see at a moment's notice, and I wanted that flexibility of spending time with my family, which I hadn't really had the chance to do in years, and so that, just that, was my um, that was my pivot point, where I was like, no, at this point you can pay me enough money to, you know, walk away from my grandmother or not see my dad. Um, and that made the decision very easy for me in that timing.
Speaker 1:You said that people, they, before they make the decision to leave the military, they're actually thinking about it, um, for a number of years, maybe months, before they actually make that move. How long did it take you to leave the military when you realized that you no longer want to be in the military?
Speaker 2:So it was interesting because I was pretty, I was ready to leave the military after every single assignment I had, and the assignments are typically like two years in length. Military after every single assignment I had, and the assignments are typically like two years in length. So after my first assignment, um, I had been in it for two years. I was burnt out. I didn't know it till I, like, got to a different assignment and I looked back and it's kind of like you don't realize that you're drowning and treading water to like, you reach the shore and you're like oh my God, this is what it's like to breathe a regular pace. So when I got to, I was able to get my MBA paid for by the Air Force. Thank you very much, taxpayers. But while I was in school, I really enjoyed my time and it gave me the distance that I could see.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't need to be, I don't want to do this for much longer. This is not where I shine, but in the military, every time you move which I don't think the average person knows every time you move, you sign a contract that says wherever they move you to, you have to stay in the military for two years. So every time they say, okay, time's up, we'll move you to any of these new assignments. If you say yes, you've signed on for another two years and you can't leave before those two years as an officer, and so that's.
Speaker 2:The trick is like you can want to leave, but then you're like, okay, well, I need a little bit more time to figure out where I'm going to go and where I want to live. Okay, I'll take this next assignment and then you prolong it. So I was grateful I got to live in DC in my last assignment, which was kind of the goal. I wanted to experience that city, experience that lifestyle. I got it and in that time I was building my coaching business and getting ready to to get out. So letting me and then COVID obviously threw a lot of people off. So I would have probably gotten out before COVID you know 2020, but that was a tough time to get out of any job and go looking for a new one.
Speaker 1:Okay, I have a bunch of questions I want to ask. I want to make sure I ask these questions in the right order.
Speaker 2:I'll be brief All right.
Speaker 1:So what skills did you acquire while in the military? Yeah, what skills in the military helped you adjust to civilian life? What skills help you in your everyday civilian life now?
Speaker 2:It would be unfair if my first answer were none, because it can't be true. I really think I went into the military with a lot of skills, and I think most people do. Then then we think we're acquiring skills that are technical and like oh, I know how to like, use the system and I know, but we're using antiquated systems. But I'll answer the question you're getting.
Speaker 1:Don't be. Don't be American, be French If it was nothing. It was nothing. And then I can ask you why do you say that? You? Know, what skills? Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 2:So the one thing I do think is an advantage and a privilege that the military experience gives you and gives everybody is the ability to deal with change and chaos and unpredictability, which I'd already had growing up, so that wasn't too new to me. It's why I liked the military, because it felt familiar. But I think for the average person, when I talked to the average civilian, something as simple as oh, I could never imagine being gone from my husband for more than a week. Right, that kind of comment is something you never hear in the military. And the big thing comment is something you never hear in the military.
Speaker 2:And the big thing, the big thing that people stay in the military for that I think is very powerful is our ability to make connection and kinship from a presupposed familiarity and rapport very quickly so you can show up in a new unit, show up in a new place and it's very much like hey, I know we're on the same side so I don't need to know that much about you, but I've got your back and so I think presumed familiarity is something that the military gives you. But too few people getting out of the military leverage in their interactions in the civilian world, so I think they're very cautious because they think the military world and the civilian world are so different and they're actually way more similar than people realize. I'm going to stop talking so you can ask whatever other questions you got.
Speaker 1:Because it's a human-made institution. So if it's made by humans, you're still going to have the same. I mean, you're going to still face the same issues that everyday people run into. You're going to still face the same issues that everyday people run into. The reason I ask that question is because one of the things that I hear about military it makes well. Specifically, I hear this about men. There's usually men that's talking about this and they're saying oh, it makes you strong, it makes you disciplined, it gives you purpose, you stop being a whiny ass bitch, You're a lot more self-confident. Yada, yada, yada, yada. That's what I hear about the military and I can relate to that to some degree, just because of playing athletics in college. But you're saying that is that a true statement, these stories that people say, or is that just something that people use to sell the military experience?
Speaker 2:I think what they say, their experience, is valid and true for them.
Speaker 2:The difference is, I don't think the military is the only way you can get that experience, and the military is built and structured to make you think that it is the only thing that can give you what you need, and it has a framework for that.
Speaker 2:It's like we're going to redefine, we're going to take you, we're going to shave you down, beat you down, build you back up, which anything that creates any kind of adversity, camaraderie, will do that. That's why you I mean your experience in your athletic background and in the sports community does a lot of the same thing. Do you have a common goal? Do you have a purpose? Do you have a community to support you in that purpose? You're going to get your act together Like that's all it takes. You just have to know your why and have people around you in a community to support you and allow you to go do it. I think any entity that does that for you, any job, any career with a mix of adversity and strife and a challenge, will let who you are bloom and blossom. The military is not the only way to do that.
Speaker 1:I hear you. I hear you. How was it for you being a woman in the military? I had a friend that was in the Navy for about eight to seven years. He's told me some wild stories, stories I wouldn't expect to hear. You know when you hear about be all you can be. You know, us soldier. How is it for you as a woman, like, what did you have to deal with socially during the military?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I think it's something that I still deal with today, which is when I tell people I'm in the military, they don't believe me. Or when I was like so there's, you're still perpetually fighting a stereotype. Um, I think when I was in the military definitely not just because I was in the military, but also in law enforcement in the military, which is already like male dominated environment, extra male dominated, as you know. So it's like I was literally, for a long time, the only woman in my office, for probably of the eight years, for probably six of those years, and that's just eliminating the two that I was in school. So, yeah, I think this happens in general when you're a minority in a room is you have to balance this experience of tokenism, where you want to take a stand for who you represent and what you represent, and you also need to be able to integrate and be taken seriously.
Speaker 2:I will give you an example, though, of something that I experienced that none of my male counterparts ever experienced, which is when I said no like to work like we all help each other out. Right, we all go out, we help each other on interviews. There are a couple of times when I would always help everyone out. The two times I said no, I don't know if I'm allowed to swear on this. I don't want to like ruin your.
Speaker 1:YouTube algorithm Keep it real.
Speaker 2:I would have sworn a lot more. I just don't want to ruin your YouTube algorithm. But I was told I was called a bitch for saying no, like hey, I have something else to do, I'm not able to help you. Wow, why do you have to be a bitch about it? No one in the office had told me no a thousand times. No one had ever been like called that and the other time is.
Speaker 2:I was told to get laid that I needed to get laid because I said no and I wasn't able to help someone on their assignment. So those are like the tiny little things that didn't like break my soul. They didn't make me feel horrible as a person, but they were like whoa, talk about audacity, right. I was like you would never say this to your male counterpart. You wouldn't dream of it. You might insult him in other ways, but you wouldn't presuppose that his work is being impacted by his personal life, um, or by his personality. You would just take it for what it is.
Speaker 1:So yeah, that's what I was curious about. I was curious if you face any kind of like sexual harassment or if a man felt intimidated by you because you know, um, like you said, when you're in male dominated spaces like that, you know, being the minority, people are going to try you and, um, yeah, I guess, you, you, you, you. You answered that clearly. I remember working for the police department. We had an officer he was too comfortable and we had an officer that was gay and openly gay. He didn't hide it, put him in like a full nelson and then started humping him from the back and then gave him three thrusts and then went on and was joking with the rest of the room and then the guy he, he stayed chill but you know, he reported it and dude ended up losing his, losing his job.
Speaker 2:You know, but that would.
Speaker 1:That would have never happened to me. Put like that, it would never happen to somebody who wasn't gay. Who was you know that guy? He was guy, he was a, he he was a, he would try to get away with things with people he thought he can get away with things with. So that just was his personality. But you know, like I said, that would have never happened to a woman I don't think so in the workplace. Or you know somebody like me who's big and strong maybe, yeah, no, I think to your point.
Speaker 2:Like I think I forgot about these moments and you asked, like, was I ever sexually harassed? And it's like, absolutely. I deployed to qatar for a year and I remember the moment when we were talking around the black lives matter protests were happening in the us and our uh boss, the colonel, came in and wanted to have a talk about like discrimination in the workplace and all this stuff, and I kind of had a very candid moment with him where I was like, first of all, this job is rooted in like racial profiling. So let's not be surprised that there's discrimination in the military, because we have to like you're literally telling us if people look like this, believe in this religion or live in this country, they deserve to be on the other side of the barrel of a gun. That's what you're saying. Like that's literally the training. So let's not be surprised that there's racism in the military. And then we were literally investigating sexual crimes as well and he's like, is there sexual harassment happening on this base?
Speaker 2:And every woman in that room like laughed because it was the kind of thing that like people just say things to you in the cafeteria and they didn't care if you were married. They didn't care if you had a ring around your finger. They didn't care about any of that. There was a this boldness, ironically, that came from being away from home and away from their responsibilities. They didn't care if they were married or had obligations back home. People were very daring and so it was all at once. Yes, I intimidated men and I was told I was very intimidating, but in some ways it gave them a challenge that they thought that they could conquer and it just puts you in a space where you're like, okay, you are just incredibly disrespectful and I can handle it, but I shouldn't have to. No one should have to. Um, but yeah, it was very prevalent, unfortunately.
Speaker 1:Did that space? Well, this is the reason I'm asking that question, cause your story just relates to something I know. Um, uh, I'm seeing a woman and, um, I want to say she's pretty attractive, so she gets a lot of attention from guys. But although she's really attractive, they know she's with me, it does not stop them from like, even if they do have a ring on their finger, they just do whatever. They're going to take that chance and I know for me it's not a good look. So I let her handle that and you know she create those boundaries because it's going to keep happening. Because it's going to keep happening. What I'm wondering is did that environment that you were in, did it change you in any kind of way? Did you feel like you could push people boundaries? Did you become a different person than you were outside of the military? Did you try to get away with things that you wouldn't necessarily try to do in everyday life? I'm not trying to have you telling yourself, I'm just curious.
Speaker 2:No, I actually think it's one of the things that made me pretty, both popular and unpopular in the military as a person is I like when I was deploying the guitar because I didn't have to like, um, wear a uniform for my job. It's just weird. We wear different clothes to like blend in but also not, so we were dressing more in like khakis and business casual as opposed to like camo. And so I went and I brought like the nicest clothes that I liked wearing that made me feel and look good, and so people would like they would always know me because I would wear, always wear a hat, like I always have like a hat with me, and so I'd be in the desert wearing this hat and I became known as hat girl and I share that silly example of self-expression because it's representative of the fact that I refused to let the military disintegrate my identity, my values, which made me a pain in the butt sometimes for my bosses, because I would. I would never tow, I would always tow the company line, but, more importantly, I would never lie when asked a question and at first, depending on who my boss was, it made me unpopular, but by the end I was being called into meetings that had nothing to do with me or my side of the equation, like I didn't have anything to do with the operation they were running, but the boss would call me in because he was like I know you're going to tell me what you think and you're going to be honest about it. And so did I lose any part of myself or shifting part of myself because of the military? No, if anything, I had to.
Speaker 2:The more I grew to embrace who I was and who I'd always been, the more success I found and I think that's the real mindset shift that I help my clients through. Is you think conforming is what's going to keep you successful? But it's just going to make you average and it's going to make you stay like you're going to be negligible. People are going to feel nonchalant about you. Yeah, you're not going to upset anyone, but you're also not going to impress anyone. You're also not going to be happy by the end of it. You're going to be burnt out and miserable and wondering what are you doing? Why am I lost? Why do I have no purpose? So, yeah, I was privileged that I was very confident in myself throughout my experience, especially the longer I stayed in, not because I was better at being in the military, but because I was better at being myself, and that made me better at everything else I did. Yeah, so I don't know if that's the answer you were looking for, but it's funny One of the last statements you made.
Speaker 1:It relates to what we spoke about earlier, about speaking your truth in your romantic relationships. Because, yes, you you mentioned like not offending anybody, and a lot of times in a relationship you're trying to put your best foot forward, try to put on a perfect image, but it doesn't give the person a chance to really connect with you on a deep level if you're not being your authentic self. You said you grew up in an area you were in France and then you moved to the. Which state did you move to after leaving France? Pennsylvania, so Northwestern Pennsylvania, okay. So you were in France and then you moved to the. Which which state did you move to after leaving France? Uh, pennsylvania, so Northwestern Pennsylvania, okay. So you were in PA, okay. And then you went to Pittsburgh for college. So what? I'm curious.
Speaker 1:You said you grew up more aggressive people, more uh in your face, more blunt and um, you know you, you kind of took that with you in college. I was that way as well at some point. But I felt like at some point in time I felt like I was intimidating people too much and I felt like you had to be a little bit more graceful in life. Like what? Where do you lean now when it comes to passivity or being bold and what do you think? How do you think people really? Obviously we're all born, we have different DNA, et cetera, but what advice would you give to somebody who's actually trying to balance the two up to?
Speaker 2:be aggressive, direct, that all of those things have to come at the expense of other people, and that's just not true. We just perceive it that way because we've defined aggression as, like, going back to the definition of success one person conquering and defeating someone else, that there's a zero sum game here. And so, in terms of how do you strike the balance, it really comes back to what I said at the beginning of like being present and knowing what your purpose is, which is I'm direct. I'm still as direct as ever, but I'm no longer. I'm less aggressive and direct for things that aren't important to me. So, before very much the devil's advocate advocate very much like almost a martyr and wanting to protect and defend everyone from everything, I had to learn two lessons very quickly. Doesn't matter how much I can help someone, some people don't want to be helped, and if they don't want to be helped, like, no amount of encouragement, candor, boldness on my part is going to inspire them to do anything. So I'm barking up the wrong tree with my boldness, and there's two ways to communicate that directness and that passivity.
Speaker 2:Most people are trying to solve their communication with others before they've resolved their internal communication with themselves, and so the passive aggressiveness and the passivity that I see other people have is, first and foremost, internally directed. The people who are passive and passive, aggressive or even people pleasing towards others, are the people who've been denying their own needs internally, and so my piece of advice would be get present to what you're thinking, what you're feeling like. What do you want? If I you know, if money, time, everything were no issue, all your problems were put on pause, what would you do? How would you be feeling? What would you do next?
Speaker 2:And the next step is just being honest with yourself, and once you're honest with yourself, then you can be honest and bold and aggressive whatever you want to call it with other people, because then what you're doing is actually a reflection of what you're feeling and not what you think you should feel. You're not being aggressive because you're posturing and you think that's what's expected of you. You're aggressive, maybe, because you really care and you're passionate. You're not aggressive at this point because it's tied to something that actually matters to you. Was that an answer to your question, or is it too?
Speaker 1:No well, no, no, no. That was a beautiful answer. I was thinking actually to myself that we're almost close to the end of the show and typically I ask somebody what is their philosophy for life, and that answer that you gave was so, so deep that that could have been the answer to the to this question. You know, but before we go, is there any closing statements, Anything that you want the listener to know, self-improvement-wise, or anything about your business? Go ahead and say it now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, two things. If anyone wants to pursue me, I'm at helencanhelp. I use the first three letters of my last name H-E-L-E-N-E, c-a-n-h-e-l-p. You can find me website, instagram, email. It's all good, but the last thing I want to leave with is every time people go through a big transition right now, I'm helping military folks like myself transition to civilian life that they actually love, right Through the presence and the purpose that I talked about Everyone is always asked going through hard times, what's next? And the overarching piece of advice I would have people consider is before you ask yourself what's next, ask yourself what's now. Get really aware of what is happening to you right now and what you're feeling, what you're thinking, what is the current situation truly happening to you, and let that determine what's next, rather than putting the cart before the horse. This has been phenomenal.
Speaker 1:Hey, I enjoyed the conversation. It was really good. It was a good conversation. I like that. You kept it real and you gave some really deep, thoughtful answers. See, I appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much for the opportunity.
Speaker 1:Thanks for coming on, take care.
