Philosophy for Life
Welcome to the Philosophy for Life podcast, hosted by Darron Brown, where we explore the profound questions and timeless wisdom that shape our existence. Join us on a journey of self-discovery and intellectual exploration as we delve into the depths of philosophy, spirituality, ethics, and the human experience. Through thought-provoking discussions, engaging interviews, and insightful analysis, we seek to unravel the mysteries of life and uncover the underlying truths that guide us. Discover practical insights and philosophical perspectives that can enrich your daily life, challenge your perspectives, and inspire personal growth. Whether you're a curious seeker, a deep thinker, or simply someone passionate about understanding the complexities of our world, Philosophy for Life is your gateway to wisdom and enlightenment. Subscribe now and embark on a transformative quest to gain clarity, find purpose, and embrace the profound beauty of existence.
Find me: https://linktr.ee/darron.r.brown
Philosophy for Life
Know Thyself with Vanessa Marie
Ever felt like you're living a life designed by someone else's blueprint? Vanessa Marie, a beacon of empowerment and mother of twins, joins me to unravel the threads that often tether us to unfulfilling paths. Our conversation orbits around her "Awaken the True You" coaching framework, a beacon for women seeking to reclaim their identity and shape their futures with intention. Vanessa's own tapestry of experiences, from navigating university life to the emotional metamorphosis post-divorce, maps out the terrain we traverse in this heart-to-heart. Her stories echo the sentiments of many who've felt the pull to become architects of their own destiny.
Struggle with maintaining a healthy lifestyle or feeling in control of your life? You're not alone, and this episode sheds light on the intimate relationship between self-worth and personal growth. Vanessa and I dissect the complex challenges women face, from health and fitness to coping with major life changes like divorce. We discuss the psychological underpinnings that often accompany the pursuit of well-being and how self-reflection serves as the cornerstone for transformative change. Vanessa's insights into the empowerment that comes from recognizing one's own agency are a testament to the potential that lies within self-awareness.
As we wrap up this empowering dialogue, Vanessa's parting wisdom spotlights the irreplaceable role of self-love in our well-being and relationships. It's a thought-provoking look at how nurturing our own flame allows us to cast more light onto those we care for. Her gratitude for our discussion, mirroring the ethos of her coaching, leaves us with an uplifting charge. Tune in for an inspiring journey through personal mastery and self-compassion, and witness how embracing authenticity can cascade into a more fulfilling life for us all.
Hey guys, how you doing. This is Jerron Brown and this is your podcast, philosophy for Life. I have Vanessa Marie with me we're going to talk about. She's a women's life coach. She's also the mother of twins and she has an interesting story and an interesting perspective when it comes to helping women improve the quality of their life. Vanessa, could you give yourself a short introduction?
Speaker 2:Sure. First of all, thanks for having me here. I'm a life coach for women. I growth-minded women who want to step out of their struggle and into their true, worthy self. They know they can't do it by themselves, but they know that they have the ability, through dedication and hard work, to do it, and that's where I come in. So I take them through a process, whether that's one-to-one coaching. I have a framework called Awaken the True you and that's for one-to-one coaching. I have group coaching as well, where I have the shared knowledge and collective wisdom of other women in the group, and that's a great way to help others and also just get different perspectives, and I lead that group and I have courses online that I offer as well and free resources.
Speaker 1:So okay, so you said you have a program called awaken the true. You Could you talk about a little bit? A little bit about that program and what it encompasses.
Speaker 2:It is basically a framework that I've developed that, no matter what your goal is, no matter what your challenges, you start from one end to get to the other. I've developed that, no matter what your goal is, no matter what your challenge is, you start from one end to get to the other, and it's essentially. Anyone can go through it. It doesn't matter what your goal is or your problem is. It's a framework that you can't just have a goal and say I want to do it. You have to have the correct steps in order to be successful, to reach it, or you're just going to feel bad about yourself. So it shines. The program shines a spotlight on one particular area of your life that you're struggling with, whether it's something personal within yourself or a specific goal that you desire to reach. And I look at the whole person, sort of like a holistic look at the person, and I I know that they come to me with this desire to reach a particular goal. It could be I want to lose 50 pounds, or I want to get a change. My career career or my relationship is suffering, I have been going through a divorce, or it could just be they're disorganized, their life is scattered. It could be absolutely anything and they are losing control or they've been thinking about it for a long time. Whatever the goal is, they've thought about it for a very long period of time. And to get in front of me to research a life coach, to make the decision to research a life coach or someone like myself, to put in the call to come in front of me and have that first discovery call, that takes a lot of courage and bravery just to get to that very point. So they don't realize they've already done a lot of work to get in front of me. And then, by the time, if they choose to work with me, I take that goal and I sort of set it aside. It's definitely nice to have, nice to know what it is, but then I go a lot deeper into finding out what they've tried in the past, why it hasn't worked, what other areas of their life they're successful at or what weaknesses they have.
Speaker 2:I want to look at the whole person so that I can understand what their struggle is. And do they really want that goal? Or is there something else that they're not paying attention to that they want instead I there's so many. I used to be a personal trainer many years ago and they would come to me and say I want to lose weight. And then, when I got to know them, I realized and this I realized over time they just want to feel good, they want to feel good within and so attaining a goal, attaining that 20 pounds, thinking that they would feel good in that size eight dress they would. They think that that is going to make them happy. So what I realized is that it's not necessarily the goal, but how they feel, necessarily the goal, but how they feel.
Speaker 2:I'm just trying to tear that, tear it out apart, for you know and really show them that as well.
Speaker 1:I took good notes before we started this show, so you basically you spoke about a lot of things that I had questions for, but I want to know is what kind of challenges did you face when it came to your self-improvement journey or your journey creating your own business?
Speaker 2:Well, the business journey, that's something separate and thank goodness I went through what I went through, because whatever I learned, what I learned, I took with me to grow my business. I couldn't be here today sitting here talking to you without having gone through what I went through in life. And we all have a story and mine is that when I was younger, I had a great life. It was Vanessa was a good, quiet, obedient kid. Parents were amazing to me. I didn't want for anything and there wasn't a struggle. There wasn't really. I mean, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but you would never know it. I didn't know that my sister and I had everything we wanted, so I didn't. My mother made all the decisions for us, so there really wasn't. I didn't have that resilience, I didn't have that deductibility that you acquire. It's a skill that you acquire through adversity, through hard times. We don't really grow when we're happy. It's amazing to be happy. Grow when we're happy, it's amazing to be happy. But I would say my story really evolved when I, when my marriage, started to fall apart, which many marriages, unfortunately, do. You don't go in thinking that that's going to happen, but I had blinders on with life. You know, everything was perfect before it's going to be perfect going forward. I did struggle a little bit, I would say having kids. I have twins, as you mentioned, and it was really hard to conceive. So that was a struggle, my probably my first major struggle in life. But one thing I do remember at that time was I drowned out all of the other noise from all the other moms who couldn't have kids and there was something innate inside me that I just knew that I could overcome this or get get through it somehow. So I I started to understand this just persevere, just get through it. You, you know you can do it. Tomorrow is another day. It was that mindset that started to develop.
Speaker 2:And then, unfortunately, when my kids were born, one of them is autistic. So there was that whole journey and going through my parenthood journey with that struggle and he's 22. So 22 years ago there wasn't a lot of information out there about autism. And then through my divorce, that was that was really rough and that was the rock bottom period of my life. And so I had to get another job. I worked a corporate nine to five job. I hated it. I had burnout, I was taking care of two kids. I was not financially responsible when I was in my marriage because he did it and I didn't have to. So I had to learn how to do all of that and it was a lot, a lot, but I still knew that I could get through the other side. I just had this awareness about myself and I don't regret a day. It got me to where I am right now, to where I am right now.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing that. What I want to know is I want to talk a little bit more about your backstory. You said you grew up pretty safe. You had a good life as a kid. You didn't have much struggle. What state did you grow up in?
Speaker 2:I'm Canadian.
Speaker 1:I thought I heard a little bit of that, but I wasn't too sure. Are you East Coast, West Coast?
Speaker 2:I'm in Ontario.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Just up from New York State.
Speaker 1:Okay, gotcha.
Speaker 2:Where are you?
Speaker 1:I'm located in Utah, but I'm from California.
Speaker 2:Oh nice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, close to San Francisco. Okay, thanks, thanks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, close to San Francisco. What I want to know is I want to know do you think that you knew yourself when you were that young? Did you feel like you fit, and did you fit and try to fit into like a character at a young age, or did you feel like, no, not to just be. My character was, I was so quiet, I was extremely, extremely shy. I have the pieces together later in life, hearing Vanessa is so good, she's so behaved, look, she's so quiet, and so that sent the message to me. Well, that means I'm good and I want to be good. And I was the oldest too. My sister didn't come along until I was almost six, okay, and so I had that too, my sister didn't come along until I was almost six, and so I had that world to myself and no other example.
Speaker 2:I was the oldest child amongst my cousins as well, so it was that standard, I guess, that I had to uphold. Be good quiet. I was loved like crazy. There was a lot of affection and love in my family, and so life was just peachy really.
Speaker 1:Well, tell me about the story of how you met your husband. My last four guests, I think all of them, have been divorced and it's becoming a very common story. You know a lot of women are, you know, experiencing that. You know, are this the way society has changed over the last um few decades? You know women have a lot more challenges, more challenges than they had before in the past. But I want to know, can you tell me a little bit about your guys' relationship, like how you guys met, why you chose to marry this guy and, ultimately, why you guys split up?
Speaker 2:So I met him when I was almost 21. Pretty typical story University Party there he was no like.
Speaker 2:It was the same story, the last show, really, yeah yeah, and I was really, and I was really naive like my, like I told you I didn't experience a lot of life. Everything was handed to me on a silver platter, you know. Decisions were made for me and but I knew I wanted to go away to university. I just wanted that life. I wasn't scared enough not to go. I begged my parents, please send me to university, like away residence, and as it turned out, like I could have drove from home to school that's how close it was. But, um, I thank them very much for allowing me to finally have that freedom, because that moment that they drove away, I will never forget it was.
Speaker 2:They drove away into the sunset and I stood there and watched the car until it disappeared and I just stood there on the steps like now what, you know? But but now what? As in turn around, go in the building, the residence, and who knows what's going to happen. Like anything was fair game, anything was possible. I was ready for it. So I had that desire, still kind of shy, but I made friends and I did. Okay, you know, I managed. And then one day I went to a frat party and there he was. He was nine years, almost 10 years older than me.
Speaker 1:Whoa, whoa At a frat party. Was he one of those old guys that graduated? And then just you?
Speaker 2:know he was the. Yes, he was, he was. He was a doing his master's and he was the oh gosh, it's probably a name for it the, the father, like he was, the looked after the young brush guys that would.
Speaker 1:I don't know the exact name of it, but I do?
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so he was there to sort of keep an eye on everybody and behave and pick me up, I guess. And then we saw it to be. You know, it evolved fairly quickly and steadily. I finished university. I got engaged when I was 25. We got married when I was 26. I opened my own business. I ran an art gallery for almost six years. Wow. We went through infertility issues because he had had cancer before I met him, so that just made it difficult to get those swimmers you know, and so that that was my first real like ouch in life, Like like I wanted kids.
Speaker 2:It was the only thing that I wanted to do in life. My mother sort of groomed me that way. She said, you know, Vanessa is going to be a mother. And I'm like, yes, I'm going to be a mother and that's all I wanted in life. And then the universe said, oh, the only thing that you really, really want, we are going to make it really hard for you. Let's see how much you want it. That's how I look at it, because it literally happened like that and we went through four or five years of trying and needles and thousands of dollars.
Speaker 1:We both had that in common my goal, although I've done a few different things in my short life. I had athletic goals, goals. You know I'm professional, you know business goals, but my main goal was always to be a father, be a father, be a husband. You know, I know it's more of a traditional um expectation, but, um, I don't necessarily think that that's a bad thing. Your guys sound like it sounds like, out of all the people I spoke to, you kind of have the best story so far. You met somebody who was older, so I'm guessing that he was a little bit more mature. He wasn't as silly, he kind of knew himself a little bit better. He probably had a decent career, so he could help. He could help, I want to say he could help guide you, he can help be. He was a good leader. Basically, he probably had better.
Speaker 2:You're so right about that. Yes, I looked up to him actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you had the freedom. You graduated, so he, he was pretty secure, so you had the freedom to be creative, started your own business, you know. And then you guys had kids, got married at 25, had kids five or six years later, early thirties. What? When did things start going bad?
Speaker 2:Um, well, sort of to back up. Uh, what you said is really important. I was young and didn't know myself. I really didn't know. I knew Anna or Vanessa that talked to herself. That you know, it was stuck in my head. I didn't have a lot of experience in the world, I never really made a lot of decisions for myself, and so when he came along, that was. I was fine with that, because now someone can take care of me in a sense, can continue to do what my parents did looked after me. He was 29. I was 21. He had a good job. Things were going to evolve in that sense. So for me it was. I was was not off course, it was just keep doing that. I wasn't really thinking too much outside the box. Yes, I did have that business at the gallery business, but it was his idea oh it was his passion, his love, and I grew to love it.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a lot of things that Vanessa loved and was good at.
Speaker 1:What did you love at that age? Obviously, you're still getting to know yourself, but looking back, what would you have liked to do? What do you wish you did?
Speaker 2:I don't look back like that and wish differently. I truly don't. Um, I think the only thing that if I, I look forward to my daughter as she evolves, she's the age that I met her dad and I think the generation or at least myself versus her very different. I was so shy, I didn't know what I wanted. She's far more empowered, knows herself, you know, she's alert. She really just doesn't know everything, but she's where I was around 40 years old. That's where she is today. So I think back then I didn't think like that. I was supposed to get married and have kids. That's what I was told was my path.
Speaker 1:So why did you guys get divorced? What happened? I know you didn't know yourself. Was it like you just had an epiphany? It was like, hey, this isn't me.
Speaker 2:We I kind of had blinders on a little bit for a while about our life. We were going in separate directions, literally. I was growing and as I started to grow I was starting to get to know myself and really start to get to know myself. And by that time I had the kids and his idea of what he wanted or what he wanted was what he always wanted. What I wanted was evolving and new and changing and they weren't fitting together very well. I still wanted to be a mom. I loved doing that, but I wanted more and we couldn't do it properly together, couldn't do it properly together. There was there.
Speaker 2:Our relationship slowly dissolved because when you do your thing, you turn your eye this way and the other person does the same thing. You're, you're sort of happy. You're both doing your own thing and the other person is not watching you, not seeing you, because it gives you the freedom to just live your life and you don't have your eyes on each other, on each other's growth. So at the time I think we both felt, yeah, I'm doing my own thing and I'm looking after myself and we're not nurturing our relationship. Own thing and I'm looking after myself and we're not nurturing our relationship I was a bit of um, you know what? I'm gonna just do my thing, I'm gonna live my life. You know you don't want what I want.
Speaker 2:And I was. I was tough. I started to develop like a hard shell. I wasn't that kind of sweet, innocent like Vanessa that I know and remember that that is inside, and I, I just wasn't. And then I realized I came to this moment I don't like her anymore. I don't like being this person living kind of isolated and not being loved for me and not you know, just by this point it was just no.
Speaker 2:Coming back from it, I think the growth that I experienced I couldn't have experienced unless I went through that whole process. So I, I don't regret it and I I mean I can't do it over, so it doesn't really matter. But I take all that and I I take that as a huge lesson for everything that we encounter that we don't understand, if we don't know how to do that challenge is sent to us or that lesson is sent to us, and if our eyes are open, I look at it like this if we're open to receiving that lesson, we will overcome it, and so I have tried to keep my eyes open now, where they were very close, and I lived my life very compartmentalized before and now I try and really keep my eyes open to everything and now I can see the lesson coming, I'm like, oh, here it is. Yep, I'm ready for it. So, yes, we got divorced.
Speaker 1:How old were your kids when you got divorced?
Speaker 2:12, 12.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, okay, so you guys stayed together for almost 20 years, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, and and I, we stayed together and apart, so it's called together and apart in the same house for a few years after that, more financially, more for financial reasons, um, but I was so ready to be me, to be the person I needed to be too, and not this like empowering bitch or you know, like it was really I. I made mistakes, we all make mistakes, and I own the mistakes, and I had to understand why as well and then I also had to.
Speaker 2:I also had to realize well, this is, this, is the bed now that I have, this is the life that I have to work with. Do a good job. You have two kids. You have, I believe, a great life ahead of me. The one thing that I'll never forget I had like an epiphany.
Speaker 2:There was a lot of silence in the marriage as well. We were not fighters at all. There was just a lot of silence, a lot of doing our ownany. There was a lot of silence in the marriage as well, like we were not fighters at all. There was just a lot of silence, a lot of doing our own thing. He worked a lot. That was a big, big factor for me that, although he provided very well, he wasn't present, and it's not his fault, I don't fault him for that. We're close to today. I don't fault him for that. We're close to today. It's just that we each have our strengths, and his strength was providing for our family and he's just wasn't present enough for me. I needed more. I needed, like that attention and that partner to grow with which I do have today in someone else, partner to grow with which I do have today, and someone and someone else, so um I had this epiphany, uh, when there was a lot of silence.
Speaker 1:You know, um, what I'm getting from your story is that when you grew up, you were the well-behaved little girl you had um people, basically your parents. They planned your life for you. And then, when you were in college, you met somebody else who can kind of take over that parenting type of position and then also help, I guess, direct you and help guide you. And then you hit a part in your life where you're like you know what, this isn't me. You know, I can feel it in my spirit, that spirit that you know there's a side of me that I have not explored. Yes, you know, I haven't stepped into this person or integrated this side of myself into my personality, and you were getting at the age where it was making you sick to um, continue to be the person that you were before. So you had to pull away from um, you know, pull away from whatever people or society had told you you had to be.
Speaker 2:That's right, yeah, and I and I, I'm, I'm a mother and I don't regret that. I, I love that part. That's not a part that I regret, it, it's um, I just also needed to find out who I really was and what I could contribute. Because, you know, he said let's open up a gallery, and I did that. You know, let's do this and I did that, and I didn't even know what kind of music I liked. I loved his music. I'll never forget loving all his 80s music because he was older, yeah that's funny.
Speaker 1:I mean, the 80s had good music, you know.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I love it.
Speaker 1:They had back then Madonna.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, I like some of the music, but he had a different genre like Journey and Asia, like different things that I did not. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Faithfully yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:How do you help your clients that are dealing with a similar issue, like, how do you get to know them on a personal level and then help them build their, help them go through their transformational journey?
Speaker 2:I'll quit slowly and I tell them that I say for the first month it's going to be a lot of just getting to know each other, really hearing your story, and it's therapeutic for them so that they can hear them self-talk, because when you're in your head a lot it's not the same as putting the words out there. And I'm a really good, I have a really good sense of people and I can pull and guide them.
Speaker 1:How do you think you got this? How do you think you acquired that skill? Because you were always this quiet girl growing up. I guess you were in your head a lot Observant.
Speaker 2:Observant. I was very observant, I was very observant. So just because I was quiet doesn't mean I wasn't thinking the wheels were turning. I specifically remember many instances thinking you know about something specific and I understand what. What was happening. So I really think you know.
Speaker 2:Maybe because of that I honed in on that skill, but it's also I trust my gut. I trust my gut as well. I don't rely on it fully. We have millions of neurons in our gut, you know, not as much as our brain, but we, you know they're there and I use that and I encourage my clients to also trust themselves, because maybe they were told things that made them not trust themselves.
Speaker 2:Right, and so I put all of their worries and challenges and everything they bring to the table in front of us so that we can see it, lay it out in front of us and then I tell them, with all the noise, with all the chores and the being a mom and or a wife and your career and everything you want to do, x, y or Z, and you have all of this in front of you.
Speaker 2:It's we have to clear all that out first so that we can map out a plan to get to where you want to go. So it's getting a lot of information from them, hearing them talk, them, hearing themselves speak, and just sort of taking a big breath and starting, and it looks different every week. I have the framework, but each woman brings something different each time, each week, to the table and just when I think, oh, I'm going to be talking about this to them the next week, they come and they're maybe in tears or something happens. I'm like, okay, we're going to, we're going to go this way. So it's, it evolves differently for everybody.
Speaker 1:You know I've always been pretty confident as a kid. You know my journey was more from a kid. You know my journey was more from. I want to say I had kind of like a bad guy reputation most of my youth. So I didn't have a lot of guidance. I didn't have teachers that believed in me, so I had to kind of learn how to um, I always had goals. You know, I love learning but because of like my reputation, teachers really didn't, you know, invest time into me. But because of like my reputation, teachers really didn't invest time into me. They really didn't give me a chance. And you know, I've done. I've done things academically since then. You know, once I left my hometown I got away from that. I was able to grow and expand and explore different aspects of my personality, but I've never had to deal with issues when it came to like trusting myself or dealing with like limiting beliefs. How does somebody get in the mental space where they actually start to trust their self, Like? What does that journey look like?
Speaker 2:I think, just going back on what you said, maybe you didn't have to. You didn't encounter that because you were sort of on your own a lot of the time, like you had to trust yourself to get through your life, rather than people wrapping themselves around you doing things for you like they did for me. You built up this resilience and this you know your belief in yourself that you could carry on. Great point A lot of women who come to me they know they can have better. They just don't know how. But knowing deep inside that they can is truly the first step. It's that growth mindset of the ability to know that with help, they can get to where they need to be. But, to answer your question, a lot of them don't come to me with. They come to me like like I used to be lower self-worth, although I liked myself. I didn't know. I always knew I was worthy. I don't think that was really my issue, but I see a lot of women that don't believe that they are worthy of having the things they desire. They want it. They say they want it. We say we want things all the time. That's just logic speaking. And so it really starts with I understand that you want this goal here. We're going to put it aside for now. I have to understand why you haven't reached it yet or what's in your way. And the limiting beliefs are years and years of being told that they don't deserve it or that they're not good at it, or even it can just even be one person in their life, 20 years ago, that said something that made a mark on them and that they internalized it and said, yeah, you know what. I'm just not good at math, you know, or something like that, I'm just suck at numbers, or. And then that belief, it just goes on a loop in your mind all these years and you embody that negative belief. It could be really simple, a really simple thing that you don't look at and say, well, is that true about myself? Say, well, is that true about myself? And it's just years of conditioning is really all it is.
Speaker 2:And you have to peel back the layers and kind of get to the whole person and look at her and say you have had success in the past and we're going to like tell me about it. What are those successes you've had? Everybody has success. And she says right away, of course yes, I, I have a great relationship. I was very smart in school, whatever it is. I said see, you've had success, you know what to do to get to where you desire to be, so that means that you can have success again. It's just maybe not in the area of your life that you're struggling with right now.
Speaker 2:You could be really smart, book smart, but unsuccessful in love, and so that you believe I'm just never going to find anyone, I'm just not good enough. I'm, you know, maybe I don't look good enough for them, or whatever the your mind just says to yourself over and over, and without questioning the validity of those beliefs, they just become you, you know, and you associate I am not good at whatever it is and I really I want to uncover that. Like let's get to the bottom of that. Is that true? Like let's find proof. We need proof. Don't just believe what somebody 20 years ago told you. So it sort of starts there and those blocks are what is truly in front of you, and when we can remove those blocks, we can move forward.
Speaker 1:What are the issues that women are dealing with when they come to you? Are they women that are recently divorced? Are they women that have also had their lives kind of mapped out for them? What are the common issues that those women are dealing with?
Speaker 2:Um, what are the common issues that those women are dealing with? You know, I that's an interesting question, because when I started my life coaching practice, everyone said niche down, niche down. You know, like, pick a niche, pick a niche. And I just went with my gut again. I'm like I don't know, I don't know, like I don't just want to do health and wellness. Like you know, I used to be a personal trainer so people would come to me to lose weight. I'm like, no, I really I feel everything that I can do, I can do for anybody, any woman that has a struggle, a problem. So I, all of my clients come to me for various reasons. Divorce is one for sure. Honestly, being disorganized, that's my, that's a gift I was given. I am organized and so I love that, and so I can take someone's life and wave a magic wand and get them to see how they too can be organized.
Speaker 1:You said you're in health and wellness and you're a fitness coach at some point in your career, your point in your life, so you obviously understand fitness and health. You know how to help somebody get in shape, feel stronger, and a lot of your spirit is tied to your health. What? Why? Why do people? Why do people struggle to typically get into shape?
Speaker 2:Why do they struggle? Again, it's really their self-worth. I mean, yes, people who are overweight can say I love myself. I can't speak for other people who I don't know, but the women that I see. They are struggling with how they feel about themselves and they think losing weight will do that. Now I don't doubt that when they can lose weight and fit into the dress that they size, that they want, that that will make them feel good in that, in that moment. But it's an overall feeling that they want to feel good. It's being in control of their life.
Speaker 2:So someone who comes to me and wants to lose weight they don't know how to be in control of their eating or their diet or their workout regime, and I tell them you have more control than you realize. You are allowing other people or the weight to control you, and so I want them to see, I want to empower them, just to see how much control they actually do have and because of my background in personal training and nutrition, I can guide those, those clients, an extra step of the way, I guess, into that particular goal. But I think they they, I mean they suffer for various reasons. They come to me for various reasons why they can't lose weight. It's I think it's more just the lack of control, and they you know some of them say I just can't help myself, and that, again, is that they identify with I just can't help myself. But is that true? You know, you actually can, and I'm going to show you that you're going to have more control over your life. Thus you're going to feel good.
Speaker 2:And they don't have necessarily the tools that I know that they need to. It's easy for me to say well, I know what foods to eat. I've been doing it forever, I know. But they have to go to the grocery store, turn everything over, look at the ingredients. It's a process for them. You know they'll make mistakes, it's a journey, but the more information I give them and the more I commend them for their, their growth, the more they feel better, and then I'm able to give them more tools and more exercises to to do so that they it's a, it's a cycle, like you. It doesn't start, you know. It doesn't just happen overnight.
Speaker 1:I get what you're saying. So there's a link between weight loss, the lack of control that women have with weight loss is kind of linked to the lack of control that they have within their lives. Like there's some kind of a psychological connection between the two. And basically, when it comes to getting in shape, it's not just all about the way you look. Shape, it's not just all about the way you look.
Speaker 1:There's a level of freedom that comes with knowing that you took the time, you did it, you really broke through barriers, understanding that you broke through barriers that prevented you from actually reaching that goal in the first place. And psychologically, I guess it's kind of like helping. It's basically training them that, like you say, the people, they've had success in other areas of their life, but it's training them how to apply those successes that they had in other areas of life to this one specific goal that they're dealing with. Like, are there any kind of strategies that maybe you help somebody go through, or strategies that you use for yourself to help you feel unstuck to being more free and living, you know, more fulfilling life?
Speaker 2:It. You know, it really starts with self-reflection. I can't stress that enough. It's not worry about something, but self-reflection, about something but self-reflection. This will help you to understand your strengths, your weaknesses, your motivations, everything about yourself, so that you know what next steps to take. And then this self-reflection, getting to know who you are are leads to an awareness. Oh, this is who I am. This is who I am today.
Speaker 2:Self-reflection leads to awareness and awareness is the catalyst for change. But if without awareness, you don't even know that there's something to change, so I really want them to understand. That is a power that they have. They have the ability to truly self-reflect, to get to know who they are and not just do what they think they want to do, like people say, oh, I want to look better, I want to make more money. We say what we want all the time. But if you really want it, then what are you going to do to get it? The first, you know the, the found. You have to understand, you have to have a foundation. You have to understand where you're coming from. So okay, you have to understand where you're coming from. So okay, you have the awareness. The awareness says I want to make change. Okay, you can make the change or you can do nothing. So it comes down to a decision. Anyone who wants something has to decide if they're going to do it or not, and again, they have the power you're in control to decide that.
Speaker 2:And a lot of times people will just make excuses to say I can't, I can't, I can't, you know, but you, you have that choice. It might not be an easy choice, might actually be very difficult, which is one of the reasons why you're not. You've not been doing it. It might not be an easy choice. It might actually be very difficult, which is one of the reasons why you've not been doing it. You've not been making the attempts. But it comes down to a decision the decision to take the path toward the change, the change you say you want to create in your life, or the decision to do nothing. And the decision to do nothing is still a decision.
Speaker 1:You know that self-reflection journey can be pretty scary for some people because I know for me I've had a bunch of different challenges that I had to overcome athletically, socially. I've always knew how to deal with tension I could handle. Like you said, I experienced that at a really young age so I knew I felt comfortable handling tension.
Speaker 2:You developed that skill.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I felt comfortable doing that. But the thing that really hurt me when I did start that self-reflection journey, when I was away from the society I grew up from, I was no longer playing football, I kind of had the freedom to be who I wanted to be. So I started becoming, you know, a person I wanted to become, you know, and during that self-reflection journey I lost people that that meant a lot to me. You know, friends and family, and that was something that I wasn't, I wasn't ready for. You know, I always thought that just me being an athlete, you know, we kind of pick each other up. We tend to be pretty confident. You know we're, you know we're you're.
Speaker 1:When you're an athlete, from the age of four to about 24, you're. The mindset of an athlete is usually you know how to pick yourself up, you know how to accomplish goals. You know goals, you know how to you understand the power of a positive mindset. But when you step out of that, you know most people aren't on that level mentally, and then so you're trying to apply the same, I'm going to say the some of the same, the same skills that playing team sports, like you know, picking up your teammate, you know you try to pick up your friends, pick up family members, bring people along with you. But life doesn't work that way. You can't bring everybody with you and during that self-growth journey you kind of have to cut ties with people and then you have to learn how to build new relationships. I would say that will probably be the most difficult or the scariest part about your self-reflection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. Losing people that you love and trusting that you're going to find other people.
Speaker 2:That's, in a sense, what did happen to me and if you look at my marriage in that sense I lost that. I lost that part of me as well, but for the part of me I knew I wanted to grow into. That's interesting. What happened to you? You had those skills. You had what I aim to impart on my, my clients. You know, maybe it's a female thing. I mean maybe you know you. You you were put into sports and in an environment where you learned that skills are we're not born with, with with those skills. We're not born with adaptability and resilience and grit and all that. These are. These are things we learn. Skills are something we learn and if you just don't don't learn those skills, you know that these women learn other amazing things. They have great qualities, but if they don't learn those skills that really will help them to get through and weather the storms in life and it's it's going to be tough to get through without feeling like you're, there's nothing left of you.
Speaker 1:You know, staying on this topic, I think that, um, on the outside looking in and may look, it may look different my experience compared to, like the, compared to what these women are dealing with.
Speaker 1:But, um, you know, I think what it comes down to is like it's a character trait, because there definitely were people I grew up in a harder environment and there definitely were people who basically gave into the things that come with growing up in a harder environment. They gave. They gave into drugs, gave into alcohol, gave into gang violence, gave gave into, gave into just violence in general. You know, they got caught up in the stereotypes that come along with that type of culture. And just, you know, comparing it to the way you grew up, there's probably people who grew up in a similar way that you grew up, that gave into what society expected them to be, you know, and both people on the outside looking in it may look different, but internally both of those people are sick, you know, and it takes strength to break away from whatever culture you grew up in took strength and it takes courage to break away from that and say you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm going to become my own person. Hopefully this works out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hopefully. I mean, yeah, you don't know. You really just you don't know, but what you do know is, if you're in a place that you don't feel good, that it's not working out for you, at least you know, I don't like that and I don't want that to continue, and that's exactly what happened to me. I just I said to myself I don't want to be here feeling like I'm feeling, being the person I am when I'm 50. That was my goal. That was literally my only goal at the time.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I want to talk a little bit more about your background. So, from what I've read, you have a background in neuroscience and then also you have experience in yoga and dance. Have these three skills helped you in your business in any kind of way, shape or form?
Speaker 2:Oh, definitely, psychology, neuroscience. I use science. Yeah, I know I use science and psychology in my business all the time. It's a passion of mine and I'm learning and always ongoing with that learning journey. Uh, you said, uh, dance. Yes, I, I danced as a child for many years. I guess there was that love for it, therefore the dedication to it, and it was something I could do myself. I wasn't a team player like a sports player.
Speaker 1:I would not. I was not expecting you to be a dancer. To be honest, just listen to your story. Me not thinking like bookworm super quiet, doesn't get her hands dirty. Never seen dust.
Speaker 2:No, no, I liked it very much. Yeah, I just went to the ballet the other night. I love it.
Speaker 1:What kind of dance?
Speaker 2:I studied ballet.
Speaker 1:Oh, so you're strong. I'm pretty strong, I mean that was a long time ago, but yeah, I've seen ballet Muscle memory is a thing.
Speaker 1:I've seen it live and those dudes are jacked Like their legs are ridiculous, like whoa, you know. So you have to be strong and balanced and I do martial arts and my favorite martial artist, karate, and a lot of the power and the balance and the best karate fighters. I noticed that some of them have like a background in ballet, the girl specifically, like the way they effortlessly throw their kicks and control it and it's like, oh man, you know that's dangerous yeah, you have to have focus, focus.
Speaker 2:So when and when you're focused, you're inside your head. Right, you're? I mean, I was inside my head. It was something that was very regimented, so I think it made sense for me how long were you a dancer? From when I was about four years old till high school.
Speaker 1:Okay, and you stopped in college, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:All right, cool, I want to know. Let me see, I asked you a few of these questions already. I'm gonna take my time take your time.
Speaker 2:This is actually like a little bit like therapy, a little bit like life coaching. Honestly, you know, I was just thinking that in my head, like like you asking me questions for once, you know, like that doesn't happen very often and it's interesting, you know, you're you want to poke a little further.
Speaker 2:I think it's good for me. I enjoy, I enjoy it Like I'm just really feeling that now I'm like OK, this is different. You know, I'm on the other side, but this is how we get to know ourselves, how we get to know who we are.
Speaker 1:And you are curious, right? Yeah, I like to dig into, rather than dig into your business, I like to dig into the person story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like to get to the person that.
Speaker 1:I'm speaking to and I think that when people I like to get to the person that I'm speaking to and I think that when people you know hear these podcasts and then they can relate to you or my story, that's what helps them connect, you know, connect to us and you know want to work with us, because I think that in our societies, you know I don't know how it is in Canada, how TV works on the East Coast of Canada, but it's the same.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, you know I don't know how it is in canada, how tv works on the east coast of canada, but, um, okay, yeah, we, we have so many, there's so much stuff thrown at us on the in the media and there's so many people telling us yeah, it's so many people telling us how we should think about people, and certain people are this way, certain people are that way. You know, yada, yada.
Speaker 2:But when we have these shows.
Speaker 1:It reminds it, lets people know that we're just human. You know, yada, yada. But when we have these shows, it reminds it, lets people know that we're just human. You know, we're all having a similar experience. It may look different, but we're all going through the same thing.
Speaker 2:We all have feelings, we all have struggles, we all fail, we all fall, we all have joy. We all experience the same thing. It just is packaged different, it looks different and it happens in a different moment from my moment versus your moment. But we can, we are vulnerable and we expose those parts of us that were okay to expose and share, as long as we feel it's a safe space and that's. You know. That that's super important. We get to know ourselves.
Speaker 1:You said that you have a new partner. You have a new relationship.
Speaker 1:Not so new but Okay, not so new. But you talk about how your old relationship it kind of you know I guess this is the only word that pops in my head it kind of got stale. You felt like it really didn't reflect who you were. And now you're in a. You said your new relationship is nothing like that. How does your new relationship reflect who you are? Because I want to say you have a stronger sense of who you are now. You're more well-rounded. You're probably not, as you know, picture, cookie cutter, picture perfect, as you know, the image that you used to portray. But now this other person allows you to right right yeah, this other person.
Speaker 2:You really got it, do they?
Speaker 1:do they look? Do they do these two guys look the same or they do they look completely different? You know how was the personality Like. What are you? Attracted to now, that's what I want to know.
Speaker 2:Well, it's funny the way the universe works. My husband was almost 10 years older than I was, and my partner now is 10 years younger than I am.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my husband was six, three, my partner is five, seven, eight.
Speaker 1:I knew that was coming.
Speaker 2:Totally different, both intellectual, both very smart men, but life and me I'm more like Um, but life and me I'm more like, not a childlike anymore, but I think that childlike person is always in me and she is now able to come out and play and have fun and not be too overly concerned about how to do everything. Just so. I was very much before uh had to do things to please others. How did it look? You know, how did my behavior? How is it? How does it look?
Speaker 2:Very very much, and now it's. I mean, I desire to make people happy. That's actually part of being a life coach and I love that, adding that value to your life. And in my regular, my day-to-day life, I love to give, but I have boundaries now and I think of my needs first, not first every single moment of the day, but overall. If I say, say yes, I'm going to do something for someone, I know that I'm okay to do that. I'm not bending over backwards and it's going to cause my whole life to be disruptive. So, yeah, my relationship now is we have space for one another. We don't live together yet another. We don't live together yet.
Speaker 2:We grow like crazy. We don't always see eye to eye, and that is exactly what expands me, his way of thinking. Because I'm stubborn, I would say no, I don't believe that. And so he pulls at me. He does what he does really well, which is try and make me see his side of things. And we're both stubborn, and so we both do the same thing. We're both older adults now I'm not a 20-year-old, because now I have my ideas, my thoughts, my beliefs, and he loves to challenge them and I like to challenge him. So we ruffle each other's feathers in a way respectful way where we grow from that. So I didn't always love that, but I appreciate that now.
Speaker 1:It's just kind of interesting because, oh my God, time has flown by. Look at the time now. Well, I was going to say this is interesting because a lot of the women that I have had on my podcast before they divorced their husband, their husbands, were all of them except one. All of them except one. One of them was like a party animal. You didn't get an education whatever. But most of the women they had partners that were safe. They were people you can introduce to your parents, your friends. They give you the thumbs up and you feel like you could be in the magazine. It's funny because I missed out. I'm a lot more presentable now. Look, I've always had these goals. Since I was a kid. I've always had these goals and I've always had a lot of confidence and felt like God give to all women. I would talk to a variety of different kinds of women and I knew that some of the women weren't into me because I just they just I didn't fit the picture, you know, and I knew that.
Speaker 2:I knew that, and I still yeah, it was, it was fun.
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes it's just fun to flirt. They don't have to say yes, but it was fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What I noticed was is that, um, a lot of these women after they got divorced women that were on my show the guys that they got with were nothing like their husbands, like they were more. The guys were more free. I want to say their husbands were more conservative, but the guys they got with were more just like yes in my case. Yeah, just more open.
Speaker 2:Open, yeah, which allowed me to be more open.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, allow you to grow, grow and expand. Even some of my guy friends that I have. I have guy I have, I have uh, two friends specifically like I'm 35, my friends they only date women that are like 45 50 and I was like man, why, what are you doing? He's like man, it's no drama, they know they sell they know what they want.
Speaker 2:They're over their bullshit.
Speaker 1:You know. They know what they want. I'm just like what the hell? And it's women you wouldn't even expect. You know, women that I don't know. Look like soccer moms. You wouldn't even think that.
Speaker 2:So you know just kind of confidence. You know, the confidence is that is so necessary to get to where, to get to this place that I'm in right now Like it's a slow build Right, but now I'm, I'm confident, I'm good with me. I'm not perfect we're not supposed to, there's no such thing as perfect but we're good. You know there's a time and a place for fun and for work and for all the things life offers. So we can kind of have it all, I think.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this podcast went by a lot. This went by a lot faster than. I expected to go by, cause I had about 10 more questions, but typically at the end of my show I asked people if they could give anybody advice like what would be their philosophy for life? What I want you to do, I want you to give your philosophy, and then I also want you to leave a little bit more information about your business and what you do. So somebody watching this they can, you know, reach out to you.
Speaker 2:Sure, Thanks, Advice philosophy If you can just be really true to yourself and that means you might have to do uncomfortable things and sacrifice things, but if you can remain true to yourself, I believe that you can have whatever you desire. The road might not, but it's. You don't want it easy. You want to feel fulfilled. You want to be on the other side or at the end of that end of your life to know that you, your essence, your soul, did good here and that you know you can only really be in control of yourself. And if you can just be true to yourself, I there's. That's not wrong, there's, there's no, there's no wrong answer. If you're being true to yourself. And in terms of how someone could reach out to me or work with me, it's just women. Sorry, but the business is called Vanessa Marie Life Coaching and again, I offer one-to-one coaching, group coaching, online courses and you have to just register and then reach out to me for a call. We'll take a call, 45 minute free call. We go from there.
Speaker 1:Okay, Vanessa, I love what you said about um, I love what you said about, really, like, from what I got from that was that you need to expand. Like, for me, my, one of my, my, pretty much my life goal is, I don't want to let myself down, I don't want to let you know, like my grandfather, he passed away and he got in a lot of trouble and he told I knew he was dying of cancer. He spent about 25 years of his life in prison and, um, his final years he was a lot more peaceful and, uh, I wanted to know I'll say, hey, you know, if you can do it all over again, what would you do? And he gave me the most beautiful message and I save it on my phone. I look at it, you know, at least once a week I'll check out his message.
Speaker 1:But in there, he, he, he mentioned that, um, besides being a better parent, you know, and getting to know his kids better, he wishes that, instead of getting caught up in trying to be popular and, you know, running the town, he wished that he invested more time into music. Like, he went to college for music but then he dropped out because, you know, wanted to be cool and go to California. He grew up in like the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma. He was just like you know. I wish that I really followed my passion of music and, you know, became a singer and all that.
Speaker 1:So, I don't want to. I don't want to let myself down and I don't want to let my ancestors down. I want to take full advantage of any kind of skill that was given to me through my bloodline, any anything that allows me to expand. I want to do it, period.
Speaker 2:You should, definitely. It looks like you're doing it and we just have one life. I mean, we're just one person.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But we're important to us and the people that surround us, and I firmly believe we are no good to anybody if we're no good to ourselves. I am a better mother if I am a better Vanessa. Love it to yourself, and then you know you'll be good to other people around you.
Speaker 1:Love it. Vanessa, thank you for coming on to the show. We'll have to do it again. This was a very good conversation, really cool, thank you. Ended my day well because it didn't start well.
Speaker 2:Okay, aw so yeah, happy to help.
Speaker 1:Thank you for being on the show and I look forward to doing this again in the future. Take care.
Speaker 2:Me too.
