Philosophy for Life

Open Relationships and Sex Parties with Intimacy Coach Magda Kay

• Darron Brown • Season 3 • Episode 13

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Have you ever questioned the societal norms around gender and sex? In our riveting discussion with intimacy coach, Magda, we tackle these complex layers and delve into the profound implications these values have on our personal and relationship growth. We journey with Magda as she navigates through the world of open relationships, sex parties and Tantra, revealing the intricacies of polyamorous communities and the transformative power of Tantra in sexual experiences.

We further ignite your curiosity as we delve into the empowering act of reclaiming words once used to oppress us. Magda shares her personal journey of reclaiming the words for her genitals, offering a fresh perspective on how this act has been instrumental in redefining her power. We explore the potential of this transformative exercise and its ability to unlock deeper levels of bliss and ecstasy.

Finally, we engage in a candid conversation on how traditional gender roles are shifting and the discomfort these changes often elicit. We encourage you to join us in challenging the conventional belief systems around femininity and masculinity, and how the redefinition of these roles can open us to more meaningful connections. This episode promises a renewed understanding of your personal potential and a closer look at the power dynamics at play in our relationships."

Remember, this isn't about pushing boundaries for the sake of controversy. Rather, it's about fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves, our partners, and the society we navigate daily. So, get ready for a transformative journey with us and Magda. It's time to redefine, reclaim and embrace who we truly are.

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Magda Kay:

So women feel that the way that they have traditionally contributed is just not valued. So if the society values making money way more than making kids, then I want to be making money, because me making kids doesn't give me any recognition, any validation. So why would I do that? What the society needs is to, collectively, is to start valuing women's contribution, because the moment we do this is when women will stop competing with men. A lot of the ways that women have been contributing has been taken for granted, but they've seen that all what men do, how men contribute, they get so much validation. So I'm going to do what men do.

Darron Brown:

Hey, what's up guys, Darron, here Now I have a wild show for you. In this show, I'm going to speak with intimacy coach Magnat K. We're going to talk about sex relationships, sex parties, masculinity, femininity, culture you name it. We really dive deep into multiple different topics in this show. If you're curious about sex parties or you want to increase the intimacy within your current relationships, then you definitely should tune in Now.

Darron Brown:

Before I start the show, 90% of you guys are not subscribed to the channel. Hit that subscribe button and turn your notification bill. If you're listening on any of the streaming networks, make sure you subscribe to us and give us a five star review. Anyways, my name is Doron Brown and this is the podcast of philosophy for life. Hey, magda, thank you for being here. For you guys watching this is going to be a very exciting show because we're going to talk about everything ranging from relationships to sex, to masculinity and femininity. I think I have the right person on the show right now. Magnat, can you give a little bit about your background and your relationship, exactly what it is that you do professionally to help people?

Magda Kay:

Yes, as my job title, it is an intimacy coach. I always laugh at it, because when you're somewhere, you're meeting a person, you want to just do some small talk and you're asking this innocent question what do you do Anytime someone asks me that I know that. Okay, that's going to be now an interesting conversation, because it never ends there. As an intimacy coach, what exactly do I do? Intimacy is this beautiful space between, like I said, friendship and sex, because we think intimacy is often sex itself, but it's not. It's bigger than that. It's this beautiful space of connecting on a deep level with another human being, but also with ourselves and with life. This is the whole area that I talk about and that I work with. Yes, that does include sexuality, it does include intimate relationships, but it is bigger than that. How did I get here? That's such a good question, because it's definitely as a kid I didn't put it on my vision board that I want to be a sex coach.

Magda Kay:

When I grow up, I studied business. I went to a business school, then I worked for Procter Gamble, for Rayburn. I had a good career in marketing, but my personal story pushed me to change the direction of my whole life. I come from a household where there was not a single example of a happy relationship. Really, I grew up extremely cynical when it comes to love. That means that I got into my first real relationship when I was 27. I lost that relationship because I struggled to orgasm. He was taking it very personally.

Magda Kay:

Back then. I had no idea how to talk about this. It was this big issue no one was addressing and eventually we started growing apart and that relationship ended. It was a big wake-up call for me that it's something I really need to look into. We're talking 15 years ago, am I correct? Maybe even more. At that time, if you Google Tantra, you wouldn't really find much. It wasn't as available as it is now. I was very committed. I started looking for people and I found the right connections. I found the right schools and I went into it, initially for my own healing. While healing myself, I discovered this beautiful path also as a teacher. Ever since, that's what I've been doing.

Darron Brown:

You said three things that stood out to me. I know for me growing up. Well, first thing, you spoke about intimacy, then you talked about orgasms and then you went to Tantra. I want to start with intimacy. I know that for me, especially when I was younger, I used to have a lot of women tell me that I came off as cold. I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. I thought, okay, I'm dating you, we're having sex, what am I not doing right? It's intimacy. I thought I was doing everything the right way.

Darron Brown:

It wasn't until years later, until I had really close relationships with women, did I understand close friendships with women. These are friendships. When I had really close friendships with these women was I able to look back at my past relationships and see exactly what I was missing. Intimacy can go as far as holding their hand, looking in their eyes, rubbing their hair, kissing them, connecting on a more spiritual level. I want to know like, and also for me growing up, my mother is very I grew up in a hard environment. Because of that, people aren't as open. I would say People don't connect on a more intimate level. People are really guarded and my mother never hugged me growing up. For me, I really didn't know what I was doing wrong in my early relationships. When you broke out of that, you said you grew up in more of a hectic household. How did that transformation look from when you went, from having learning when you went from where you grew up as as to who you are right now Like how was that transformation?

Magda Kay:

In my case, it required a lot of screaming, a lot of tears. I jumped really deep Right away the moment I realized that this is the path that I need to go on, that what I need is sexual healing. I went very deep. I did certain things that, to be honest, I don't even think people need to be doing, but I did a lot of healing sessions. Like I remember.

Magda Kay:

There's this one. There's this practice called a yoni massage. Basically, in Tantra or modern expressions of Tantra, we work with the genitals. A yoni massage is basically a massage of the full body that later goes also inside of the vagina. It's a very intimate practice and it can bring so many things up. I had all of these energies of. It felt like abuse, but it wasn't never a direct abuse. I don't want people to misunderstand it, because we can still carry a trauma and a memory of something painful, even though it didn't actually happen directly to you. It's a bit more complex than that, but I had all of these traumas in my body when I was going through my process of opening up. I remember one session of this yoni massage. I was screaming and crying for four hours. It was intense, but it was intense because that's what I chose. That's what I did. I was doing a lot of work, like few hours a day, practice after practice. In my case it took just a few months, but it's because of the intensity with which I went into this.

Magda Kay:

At this point I was living in the Tantric community, which it's a bit like a different planet really. But I'll tell you honestly, when I'm back home and I'm back with my family, when I'm back with some of my old friends I see you know what he said that your former girlfriends were saying you're cold and you're like what do you want from me? That's how it feels with them. It's like I'm missing the depth, but they have no idea what I want from them. I have this reflection of where I also used to be and I think a lot of people can relate to that state. But I was like, all in All in. I moved to a Tantric community. I was doing a few hours of practice every day, so I literally ripped myself open. So for me the process was painful.

Darron Brown:

You mentioned that your first relationship was when you were 27. I'm assuming that you didn't lose your Virginia at 27. How did your relationships look like prior to being 27? And then, when did you transition into having open relationships? Because you talked about that a lot on your channel, so how did that look?

Magda Kay:

Look. So I'll add something here. So my mom is a difficult person and growing up with them I had really deep fears that I'm going to be like her and I really didn't want that. So I also stayed away from relationships because I was terrified that I'm going to have the same behaviors and I would never, ever want anyone to see that about me. So, like my tendency are anxiously attached people pleaser. So like you know, we're so people with these tendencies were like overly cautious about what will other people think about us. So the idea that I could potentially behave like my mom and someone would see it, I was just like no, so I would rather stay away from the relationships.

Magda Kay:

But of course, I had the need for intimacy, love and connection. So I most of my young years, my 20s, I partied a lot and I drank a lot. Plus, you know I'm Polish, so it's like you know we're given vodka when you're a kid. So I had like some hookups. I had like a very short, like a couple of months relationship in university. But I also started late, like like I was definitely late bloomer and even with this relationship, to be honest, if it wasn't for my housemate who kind of like pushed me go out with him. He's really cool. You know I'll be so angry if you, if you don't, I'm like fine, I'll go. But I was really scared. You know, I was really scared. But then this, this relationship went really like fast. This guy was really into me and I got to experience actually the joy of being in love and actually even more of what is like when someone is in love with you and someone prioritizes you, which is something I just didn't really experience in childhood. So that felt really good. So I'm like, okay, now I want it. But because of all the wounding and it's true until today for me, when a relationship ends, it literally plays on my deepest wounds, so it takes me a while to move on.

Magda Kay:

So I didn't only have any proper relationship after this one, and then I ended up moving into this country community that practice polyamory, open, relating. So it's not something that I chose, it was a little bit something I just fall into. But I will add that in this community there was a lot of manipulation. It's like subtle manipulation, but there was a lot of it and one of the things was that we were told that being open it's like more conscious If you are unable to have multiple lovers. If you get jealous about your partner having another person, that it shows that you're not very conscious, that you have to do more work. There's like sublime your energy, like the practices to sublime your energy, if you're jealous.

Magda Kay:

So there wasn't a lot of space for actual healing of the wounds. It was lacking this aspect and at that time, to be honest, because I was still scared to commit at that time, so it suited me perfectly. Having multiple lovers suited me perfectly and, to be super fair, because what I needed was sexual healing. So having multiple men, multiple tantric lovers, really allowed me to move through my process of healing.

Magda Kay:

So I'm very grateful to the men that I connected with, because they're all very well versed in tantra and they knew how to hold a woman. So if I cried during sex, if my traumas were coming up, they held me through that. So I'm very grateful for that. But, yes, eventually coming out of this community, I also realized that I actually do want monogamy, I do want commitment. It was something I think I was really scared to admit to myself, so it took me like 30 years or more to get there, but I finally did. So I don't practice open, relating anymore and that's not the type of type of a relationship that I want. But I am very grateful I had that experience, that's for sure.

Darron Brown:

You said two things that stood out to me. It was the you're Polish, and also you spoke about how people use fear to manipulate people within these tantric communities. So, first off, it's funny because on Tinder, I remember I used to go on Tinder and I will put myself in different locations and I will get the most matches in Poland. So I actually bought a book called Learn how to Learn Polish. I actually have a Polish language book.

Magda Kay:

Hard language. It's a hard language.

Darron Brown:

Yeah, it looks hard. It looks hard. I didn't get too far, but I just wanted to say that. But the tantric community. So obviously you mentioned that people may use manipulation and then, from what you say, that sounds like they use fear to actually control people and to get them to stay within the community. Was fear, was that one of the reasons why you left that community that you saw, because of the manipulation and the control factor, it wasn't really necessarily as free-flowing as it promoted itself.

Magda Kay:

I'll say this the school, in fact, that I went to later almost ended up closing down because of accusations of rape and when they're writing a story. They also contacted me because they say hey, I know that you were engaging with these people, can you share your story? But I was like, look, very honestly, everything that I did, I wanted it. So I was not in a place where I ended up doing something that I didn't want to do. Now I did look at some of the things I was told I'm like no, like, for example, what? Like the main founder of the school, he did tell me once that I need to be sleeping with more people and I was like, yeah, I don't know if I want to. I don't really find anyone attractive now and he said that's just a chronic blockage and if you don't push through it, nothing will change. So and I'm like, here's the thing. I'm like, yeah, that's probably true, and yet I'm not ready to do it, because it feels traumatic for me to just have sex with someone if I don't want to do that. So I was kind of looking like, yeah, I think I got from this place everything I needed. I am ready to move on. So it wasn't that I was angry at the place, it wasn't that I felt that, oh, what you're doing is wrong.

Magda Kay:

For me it was like I went into that community with very clear objectives. I knew what I wanted, I took what I wanted and when I got what I needed I was like, ok, I'm ready to move on. I don't resonate with the school so much. I don't resonate with these practices. You know, if you think of these communities this like country conscious communities they really do operate like a cult and this is not in a negative way as in like sports themes. They operate like a cult and like like it's a tribe and there are certain principles to creating a tribe that is successful. So, absolutely, these communities work like that as well.

Magda Kay:

I personally have a tendency of going into such a community being so mesmerized by everything, but like one year, two years, I'm like, ok, I'm done and move on. I have a lot of like different chapters in my life. I like moving from one thing to another. So for me, that just personally felt like I'm ready to move on. But I know a lot of people, in fact, maybe even contrary to what you said they stayed because they feared to leave, because they didn't know who they were without this community. So I never felt that. This is why I didn't experience any trauma there. I was not abused in any way. That's just not my experience, so that's why I moved away from that.

Darron Brown:

What is the difference between tantric sex and like regular sex? Because I bought a few books on it. I didn't get past the first chapter because I'm lazy. But what is the difference between having regular sex and like tantric, tantra sex, from your experience?

Magda Kay:

So most of us experience sex on a physical level. Now it can feel really, really good, but it's a physical experience. Tantra works with energy, which means that your energy body has sex as well. So think of it this way If you, for example, cut yourself, imagine like you cut your finger. The pain that you're feeling, the sensations you're feeling are located in that place where you cut yourself. So physical body, the sensations in the physical body, are concentrated in a specific space. So when you're having sex normal sex your sensations are in your genital space, because that's where you have friction, that's where the energy builds up.

Magda Kay:

Now in Tantra we work with energy. And what is energy? Now? If you think you know when you're happy and when you're laughing, can you feel that happiness is located in a specific part of your body, or do you just feel like you are happiness, like your whole body is happy, right? So energy body feels different.

Magda Kay:

Anything that is present in the energy body becomes automatically a full body experience. So when you learn to perceive energy and then activate this energy now when you're having sex, it's not just a physical experience, it's also an energy experience and through that it becomes a full body experience. So it's a bit more like you're kind of experiencing natural states of bliss and ecstasy. In some cases you can have deep spiritual experiences as well, so things that normally people would meditate for like hours and hours, days and weeks, to experience those deeper states of consciousness. You can experience that through Tantric lovemaking, because of how much energy you're moving and, let's remember, tantra is a spiritual practice, so it's not just about having great sex. You're working with your chakras, you're working with the energy flow, so you're doing all of this in a way, spiritual practice that opens your body to these deeper experiences. So sex becomes much deeper, much deeper. And I do have to say this is one of those things in our lives when, unless you really experience this, it's hard to understand what you're missing.

Darron Brown:

Yeah, I'm trying to think my way through it, because I've had friends tell me like, hey, you know, when I, when they have orgasms, they just, they just nut, you know. And I've told them, like man, when I have an orgasm, like my entire body goes numb, I'm tingling, I'm paralyzed like 30 minutes. And they would tell me like, oh man, you know, what are you doing? I'm not, I'm not doing shit. So I'm wondering, like is how, how connected is Tantra to like your orgasm? Like, is there something to having full body orgasms that let you know like you're having like good Tantra sex, or something like that? Like, what's the connection between Tantra and orgasms?

Magda Kay:

Look. So I'll just say one thing If you think of anything in life, like, nothing is black and white. There's no zero, one games. It's always a spectrum. So it's not like you have non-Tantric sex and Tantric sex, right, and it's like, it's not, like it's this or that. It's again, it's a spectrum. So think of Tantric sex as a much deeper sexual experience. But it doesn't have a limit, like, so someone can have a very shallow sexual experience, someone can have just semi shallow, someone can have more depth, someone can have even more depth, someone else can have even more depth. There's no end, right? So it's a spectrum. So it's not like you know. You're saying am I having Tantric sex or not? It's not a checklist, you know. Again, it's not black and white. Our logical mind loves to have a checklist and a box. It's not a box, it's a spectrum.

Magda Kay:

But speaking specifically about orgasm, yes, so if you think of, well, we know how the physical body experiences an orgasm and again, this is mostly focused in the genital space. If the sensation in the energy body is a full body sensation, then automatically your orgasm become full body experiences and they feel different because the physical body can have a spike and then straw like fast the solution. But the energy body kind of stays in this state a bit longer. Again, think if someone says a great joke and you're laughing and you're having a great time, like, unless you do something drastic to snap yourself out of this, you're going to ride the wave of this happening happiness for quite a long time. So it's the same here.

Magda Kay:

Like you said, you can stay in this state for 30 minutes. Your body can be shaking and like you can have these weird sensations because the energy is taking over the physical body. So absolutely when you start having tantric sex, your pleasure changes. It changes so much Like I you know my experience and also the people I've worked with or been with often say that you can start crying, you can start laughing, you have these contractions in your belly. All that it is is just energy moving and if you remain open and relaxed then it can move, because oftentimes we can get even scared and when we feel this energy build up, we contract and so we're blocking that full body orgasm. But if you learn that that's okay and it's beautiful, even if you feel paralyzed or even if you're shaking, that's a good thing, then you can relax into it and then properly experience that.

Darron Brown:

I'm wondering, like how much of a woman's orgasm has to do with the man the man because I've been with women who couldn't have orgasms and I've been with women who had an orgasm within like seconds, and then they continue to have more and more orgasms. So how much of it actually has to do with the man versus the woman.

Magda Kay:

Oh, you know what? I think it's a bit of like the conversation nature versus nurture. I think we can recognize that it's both. It's just to what extent, and I think this would be individual. So you'll have some women who really struggle to relax with a partner, but they have no problem relaxing on their own so they can orgasm during masturbation, but they struggle to orgasm with the men. But also the opposite is true, because a man can take you deeper, a man can penetrate you.

Magda Kay:

If you masturbate, it's not as easy. You can do dildos and other toys, but I, for example, I'm not a big fan of toys because for me, how does that compare to flesh? Like flesh has energy, has feeling. It's a whole different experience. So there's definitely a beautiful feeling when it's your lover, when it's not a human being, when you feel their presence, you feel their energy and that energy penetrates you. That cannot be compared to using a toy.

Magda Kay:

So if I think of myself and like, personally speaking, quite a few of my closest girlfriends we love a man and probably we prefer the connection with a man Then on your own. But I also know women who are very big on self care practice and that time with themselves is actually more precious. So I think it depends, but I would say these are two different sources of pleasure. I will say that in most cases, if a woman is unable to have an orgasm on her own, then she probably will not be able to have it during sex with a man, while it is quite common that a woman who can have an orgasm on her own will struggle with a partner. So that doesn't necessarily translate. But I would say if you're having orgasm with your man, you're probably going to have them on your own as well.

Magda Kay:

So it's like. You know it's the same with relationships. They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and it's true. But also a relationship can serve as a channel for you to learn to love yourself. So it's not like you have to have it all figured out. So it's the same here. A partner can offer you support that will make it easier for you. He can also make it worse, because I've been there as well Like I know it wasn't intentional, but like men would say or do something that would really shut me down, and that happens very often. I think men men don't fully understand how easily they can shut a woman down, so it goes both ways.

Darron Brown:

I'd say Well, yeah, a dildo. A dildo can't flip you and twist you, but a man can you know you talk about. You said you had some bad experiences with men. What I'm wondering is like what's the difference between good sex and bad sex? Because for a lot of young men I mean with these smartphones porno is readily available now. It wasn't this available when I was growing up, so a lot of people don't know like the difference between good sex and bad sex. I think that you can just penetrate, you do the act of it and it's you know. Then it's great, it's supposed to be great. How do you know? How does a person know Like what does good sex look like and feel like?

Magda Kay:

So I can tell you from my perspective and it's funny because after I moved to the tantric community and I was only with tantric lovers and then I met this one guy who was not from this community and I was like, oh, here is a reminder of how traditional sex looks like. So non-tantric sex or bad sex, I would say there's a few components, and I'm speaking from a female perspective. So men who only experience orgasm with ejaculation, everything is about the cock and everything is about the ejaculation. So you know things like. It's almost like, I mean, and I know that men are very proud of their cocks and I think women could learn something from that, but it's like oh, look at me, I'm so amazing. And it's like you're the center of attention and it's like does it even matter?

Magda Kay:

that I'm here or like you know, am I here to just praise you? So very often that's how it feels, Like men just basically feel like I'm like she's so lucky that she gets to have sex with me because my cock is so amazing. That really doesn't feel good to a woman, and also the obsession with needing to come. So you know, thrusting in a way that makes you feel good. So as a woman, I've experienced this. I'm not the only one. But let's say there's a certain position that feels nice to me, but a man is not crazy about it. He will not want to have it. And then if there's a position he really likes, then it's like, almost like, even if I don't really love it, he's going to try to position me to go back into this position because he likes it. So there's a lot of focus on him and it's not reciprocated, as in like he wants me to focus on him but he's not giving me the same focus that he wants from me. So it's like he is the star of the show.

Darron Brown:

That really doesn't feel good, yeah you know, I'm thinking about my own experiences and I've definitely been that guy before. I'm just I can recall having sex sessions and then like women telling me what they like and then me doing it, but me thinking to myself like why are you coaching me, you messing up my rhythm? But I can see like how I was messing up because basically when a woman's doing that, she's basically comfortable with you and she's giving you the opportunity to potentially have better sex or good sex for the both of you. You know, I think that's just a maturity thing. I think the more mature you become as an individual not just in your relationships, you kind of you know those things come a little bit more easier. And naturally I want to know about. You have a video called sex parties. I didn't watch the video at all but I really wanted to get into it, like what?

Darron Brown:

is the what does like. Okay, so let's start here. How do you actually prepare for a sex party? Say I'm going to sex party tonight. Like how do I get prepared for that?

Magda Kay:

Okay, I need to make a little note first. So I when I like yes, this video there, and my experience is with tantric sex parties, it's very different than let's call those unconscious sex party. So there's a few different rules. It's not a fuckfest, it's not like a pure orgy. In these spaces there is emotional support, like it's a held space, it's almost like a workshop, so there are people who are holding space for you. If you get triggered, you have someone to talk to. You first, do some practices to open up. You're being reminded about boundaries, about safety, so both physical and emotional safety. And in no way do you have to have sex Like.

Magda Kay:

I've been at parties where I don't know, maybe one couple had penetration, but you're interacting. You can have energy sex. You can have a lot of other intimate experiences, but it's not like everyone is literally having an intercourse. Now I did visit once or twice like your very average sex club and for me, just a friend was like come and see. I was like okay, well, let me compare it to what I know. And I enter and immediately a guy comes over and like touches me. I'm like what happened to boundaries and consent? So there's a massive difference between these spaces and I really want to underline it Tantric parties like these conscious sex parties we often come.

Magda Kay:

We call them often a play party or a temple night. So there's no alcohol, there's no drugs. Because you want to be conscious, you want to like consciously choose what kind of behavior you're going to engage in, versus, like, your traditional sex party is going to have a lot of booze. So there are differences. So when I talk about a conscious sex party, the preparation would be a bit different. So if you are, if you're going with a partner, you do want to start by having a conversation of what's okay, what's not okay. There's a beautiful tool. It's called desires, fears and boundaries and it's literally as it sounds. You're sharing what your desires are for this night, what your boundaries are, what your fears are that could happen and what your boundaries are. So it's a great conversation to have with a partner to be ready. If you're going on your own, you can sort of have this conversation with yourself so that you really come prepared. So I would say this is like having some clarity. I think is really helpful.

Magda Kay:

A few other things that really help is don't go there by yourself If it's a new space, if you've never attended it, we'll think about it. If someone invites you to a normal party and you don't know anyone, you're probably not going to feel very comfortable. So it's still a party and on top of it, it's a sex party. So this, this comfort, is going to be much stronger. So go with someone and you can ask your friend and be like hey, let's just go together. We're not going to engage with anyone, we're just going to observe, feel the space. We can always count on each other. You can have a safe word that like hey, please stop whatever you're doing, be with me. You can establish all of those boundaries and agreements and have that support, like I'd say the first time you go. Like, even let go of this expectation that you need to interact with someone. Like, just be like. Hey, like the challenge or like the successes that I'm in that space Because, as awesome and exciting as it sounds, it is really challenging. It really challenges us to enter a space like that.

Magda Kay:

Often for men it's like oh, what if no one will want me? What if I'm going to be there by myself? What if I get rejected? Women it's a bit, maybe, easier for women in those spaces because it's always like available for me to sit next to another woman and just chat and have just normal time. I think there's pressure on men in that regards. Plus, if there's pressure, you may have issues with direction and performance. Now you have additional stress. So just go there with curiosity to see what it's like, just to be in the space. Don't expect yourself to interact with anyone, to have sex with anyone. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's also okay. We have to understand like sex brings up a lot of things. So there's no point in making this a traumatic experience. Take it slow. Make sure you're clear on what you want to experience and on what you don't want to experience, because you have to also protect yourself.

Darron Brown:

Wow, it's kind of interesting that you say that about men, because it's not promised that you will have sex, it's not promised that a woman will want to have sex with you. And right now on the internet there's like the red pill community and there's a lot of guys that are complaining about women because basically women don't want them, they can't get any kind of sex. And then it's like I guess for these types of situations, there's men within those groups who also aren't as attractive to women, so they have a fear of being rejected. I'm just curious For me. Somebody like me it's like I said say I'm going to a sex party tonight. How do I dress for that? Do I dress the same way I'm dressing now? Do I come? Do I wear a thong? Do I have like my brief song when I first come into the door? Like, how do I dress when I come into this kind of event?

Magda Kay:

Look actually the dress called. It's an important element of the experience and something that can make you feel more comfortable. So again, here is where women have a bit more space, because in our society, you know, women have there's like a wider range of outfits. Even if you think of, like, if you go out for a fancy dinner or something, women have all the gowns. You have a suit, you have like one outfit. So it's a little bit similar here. Women can have a dress, she can have lingerie. There's so many outfits she can have.

Magda Kay:

For a man it's a bit more difficult, but think about that. If you are, let's say, wearing just like some underwear, maybe like I don't know, and let's say a tie, like you're dressed up a little bit, it's so much easier to move into an intimate space when you're already kind of half naked, versus imagine you have a shirt and pets, then it's like physically, with your outfit, you're creating more distance. So, seriously, if you're gonna have two guys like neutral one is gonna be already dressed for a party and one in normal clothes the one who's more naked is gonna have more interaction because it communicates and more available, close, high-dice, like being able to show more of my body. It's something that also helps me open up and drop into the specific space that I'm in. So highly recommend it, highly recommend it to you know.

Magda Kay:

And again, like I said, I know it's for many it's a bit more difficult. But get some like cool underwear, like maybe some animal print. So imagine if we have animal print underwear and a shirt like open shirt right, Looks cool, looks cool, but you're more available. So absolutely, I would say, make an effort to dress up.

Darron Brown:

Yeah, you look, you're more open, you're more relaxed, you look more fun, you look like you're easy to talk to. I get it. So I'm guessing if you are a guy that's trying to make a, you're trying to base to make yourself seen at this event, be jacked, be in good shape, wear some underwear. And then also I'm wondering is like, do guys ever pop boners? Like as a guy mid conversation go up to a girl already has an erection. It's just like trying to hold a casual conversation, but it's obvious that he's horny. Have you ever seen that?

Magda Kay:

I'm trying to think if I've seen that, oh goodness, okay, I don't think I have, have I? Okay, I'm so sorry, I have to be honest. It's like I have a blank, but so I cannot say now from my experience. But I will tell you a different thing. One of the things about these sexually open communities is being open, so no one judges you if you have an erection. If you're, for example, offering a massage, like just a full body massage, let's say and someone gets aroused, you're like, okay, you're getting aroused, like whether you're gonna act on it, that's a different story.

Magda Kay:

But we don't judge the body for having an automatic physiological reaction. We don't. There is no judging the body for sweating. In fact, when you work with energy, you may burp, you may fart. All of it is actually energy being released from your body. So one of the elements is like, if you're really good at this work is like you understand what it is, so you won't be judged. You won't be judged. Now I will say there's a difference. If you come up to a woman and be like what we discussed before, like oh look, I'm so cool, I have a bone you don't wanna fuck, that's not gonna be received very well, but if you just kind of like you know whether you are, you know, erected or not, it's just the same as whether you have a ponytail or not. It's just like your body is reacting. That's perfectly fine. So it's in no way is it a big deal. It's not like people are actually paying so much attention to it.

Darron Brown:

So when you go to these sex parties like say hey, you receive an email invitation to such and such party, do those parties have like rules? Like, is each party different? You know, are there six party rules.

Magda Kay:

Yes, absolutely. So just by the way, I haven't been to one in a bit, Okay that's cool.

Magda Kay:

One of the reasons also is because, since I left those country communities, I'm not much interested in non-conscious parties. But yes, there are always rules, but most of the like some of the rules are, of course, you wanna keep it confidential and private. Look, in most places these parties are illegal. So you don't wanna be like talking about it. You also don't necessarily want to tell everyone like I mean, like would you want your family or your friends or your employer to know that you were the sex party? So you know it's like it's kind of like a given that you don't share. You know it's between us, it's between the people who attended. But a lot of the rules mostly are like hey, before you touch anyone, ask for permission. Always ask for permission first. So we practice, like at the beginning of the practice, how to say no to someone and how to react to someone who's telling you no. So these are the rules, more of that to make sure it's a safe space. So yeah, that's kinda do's and don'ts.

Darron Brown:

Okay, so you said that obviously you're trying to keep it. This space is supposed to be somewhat hidden, so you have to be invited to it. What I'm wondering is do women invite certain men to these parties, or do women only invite other women? And the same thing goes for men. And the reason I'm wondering? Because I would think that, just me knowing men, you could have some men in this community who aren't that attractive, who are in negative shape, but then a woman might think see another guy, like oh wow, this guy is hot, I'll invite him to this party. And that could cause like jealousy and you know, fights. So like, how do, first off, have you seen any kind of jealousy within these spaces? And then also, how do like new men get at it? Is it by the women? Is it by other guys? How?

Magda Kay:

does it work?

Magda Kay:

Let me start by saying that this idea of good looking or not good looking surprisingly, when you practice Tantra, that really becomes secondary. So I have been to spaces with men in their 50s, maybe even older, very skinny and also pretty fat Did not impact how many women were connecting with them, because if they had good energy, if they understood Tantra and they could make a woman feel safe, a woman would want to be with them and open up. So like, and often in fact, if I think of the parties I have been to these like traditionally really good looking men with like abs and everything. They were not very conscious and they couldn't feel energy, so they felt too pushy. I was not interested in interacting with that, and a lot of women were the same You're like, yeah, no. Like yeah, you're pretty, but energetically you're not really good. So it's really not so much about the physical look. So if anyone really wants to be in this space and you're like, oh, I'm not the most attractive man, really don't worry about that, really don't worry about it. So much more about your energy, so much more how you treat a woman. Are you aware of boundaries? Like? All of this is way more important. Again, in an unconscious sex party, probably, yeah, the hot guy gets the woman, but here it's really different. Game Now regarding the jealousy.

Magda Kay:

So this is why I said that the most important preparation is this practice desires, fears and boundaries and establishing agreements either with your partner or with yourself, before you step into the space, because these spaces are highly triggering, highly triggering. So imagine, for example, that there's someone I'm eyeing and I'm like, oh, he's interesting, right, and then he doesn't give me attention and then I end up seeing him with another woman. Of course I'm gonna get triggered and jealous, so I don't even need to have a relationship with this guy. But imagine I go with my partner and let's say, me and my partner, we have an agreement that we can interact with other people, but then, even though we agreed, it's okay, I still get jealous. Or he gets jealous because of something that I'm doing with a guy and now he's triggered and I have to stop doing what I was doing because I need to be with my partner.

Magda Kay:

I had an example of I was at the party with a partner and it was really nice because he actually came into check-in with me. Is it okay if I connect with this woman Because he didn't feel right for me not to check in. I'm like great. And then I got extremely triggered because she was like the opposite of me, like there is 10 other women, I would have absolutely zero problem if he was connecting with them, but that one I was like if you like her, how can you like me? Cause we're totally different. So you are going to get triggered. Yes, you're gonna get jealous. Yes, you're gonna think like, oh my God, what's wrong with me?

Magda Kay:

This is why there's a difference between these unconscious traditional sex parties and these tantric sex parties. Tantric sex parties are held. You have support. It's treated like a workshop or it's treated like a healing session. So if you go in, thinking, oh, I'm not gonna get jealous. This is also why cause you also ask how can men enter these spaces? Because these spaces are curated. It's not like anyone can be there. There is a selection process. So if you, for example, what we're discussing about, like the bad sexual experience, that type of a man would not be really welcome, right? If a man goes there because he wants to fuck, you're not going to be welcoming that space. Now we've had people who showed up drunk. Nope, you're not entering so you have to be at a certain level of like practice and understand what it is. But usually it is through invitation, like these type of spaces hardly ever are just like open to public, so you need to kind of get into the community to meet the right person so they can invite you.

Darron Brown:

You know you mentioned that the guy that you went with. He was he hooked up with a woman that was the opposite of you and it reminds me of Mary Shelley. She's the one. Mary Shelley is the woman who wrote the story Frankenstein. She wrote that whole novel Frankenstein and her partner would go off with other women occasionally and get with women that were complete opposite to her, but ultimately he would come back home Like how was this woman different from you?

Magda Kay:

Oh she was. She was very young, very physically small, extremely like, kind of passive, almost kind of like oh, I'm so silly. You know this kind of energy. I'm very strong, you know, I ride a motorcycle, I go to the gym, so I'm like, I'm like a strong, fiery woman and he's just not suddenly he wants this really young kind of like made an archetype, overly innocent, overly naive woman. I'm just like, really Like you're attracted to that, because if he goes with another strong woman, I'm fine, right, I mean in that we're connecting like this. But yeah, I got really really triggered by that one.

Darron Brown:

Well, let's, let's get into that, because right now it's probably not. Are you in Poland right now? Yes, so not just in Poland. Around the entire world, sexual dynamics are changing. The idea of what a man is and the idea of what a woman is is changing, and my guess, my guess, from the perspective of your, your former partner, that he, that woman, came off more submissive. She came off more feminine. If you, if you listen to the internet spaces, that's what they say femininity is and what it looks like and what it should be. All women are made to submit. But I'm wondering, from your perspective as a woman, what is true femininity? And then also give your opinion on what is true masculinity.

Magda Kay:

Yeah, you know, I feel like we're mixing two different concepts and this is why we're struggling to come up with the good answer to this. So, even though we often say, oh, it's masking feminine energy and we all have both. So it's not about men and women. The way we talk about it is all about men and women. It is all about the gender roles. But these days it feels so politically incorrect if you use the term gender roles, but we've always had them and they're important. Now, the reason why they are important is because, essentially, every human being wants to feel needed. I want to feel that I add value to your life. So the gender roles defined right, like top to bottom, they define how each one of us is contributing, allowing both men and women space to feel I am needed, I am important, like we all want to feel that. Think, for example, if you're working in a company and you feel that you're not needed as in, whether you're there or you're not there, it doesn't make a difference to a company Are you going to feel good there? No, so people want to feel needed and they definitely want to feel needed in an intimate relationship. If I feel that my partner doesn't need me that I don't actually add value, I don't contribute, I'm going to be out. So with, I think, often what we call masculine, feminine, or when we say that women are too masculine or men are too feminine, what we're actually saying is that we have flipped these gender roles in a way that men and women need to redefine how they can contribute. So if traditionally a man was providing through paying or offering his muscles right, and now a woman can do it, that leaves a man thinking, okay, so how else can I be needed? And we have to find it. We have to find it because we have the need to be needed. So we're in this, we're in the process of transition, and any transition, any change, is uncomfortable, sort of by definition. So these are uncomfortable times because men need to find how they can contribute.

Magda Kay:

But you know, if you think of how business works, you look at the market, you need to identify unmet needs and then this is the need that you're going to meet with your product. You're not forcing the market to have the need. If the need is not there, that's not how it works. So it's the same here men expecting, then suddenly women will need something that they don't need. It's stupid, it just doesn't work. You have to find okay. Until now, this is how I've been meeting the needs for a woman. Now there's no longer desire for that. Like you know, there are products that go off the market like all the time. Right, like a walkman. No one needed a walkman once we had an MP3 player. So you can think that now a woman has an MP3 player, so your walkman doesn't matter. You have to come up with a new product. So men need to redefine their own value and I do understand it can be very frustrating because it's changed. But at the same time, if I hear a man say that he feels not needed and not important because of these things that I'm asking are you telling me that your only value is in lifting heavy things and paying money? Is that really how little you think of yourself? Because I can think of more ways how you can contribute, right. So that's for me that this is one of the conversations.

Magda Kay:

Now, secondly, what do we say? Masculine, feminine? So actually, if we go deeper into tantric teachings, what we consider feminine is not actually feminine and what we consider masculine is actually feminine. So we have this idea that the masculine is the one who's active, ambitious, who leads a woman, etc. Right and a woman is the one who surrenders. That's not actually true.

Magda Kay:

Feminine is energy.

Magda Kay:

All movement is energy. All movement is feminine. Masculine is stillness, it's the pillar. So setting goals and going for those goals, that's movement. That's movement. That is feminine, that is energy. Masculine is when you meditate. Masculine is when there's chaos in your life and you stay centered.

Magda Kay:

Now notice that this is not the kind of masculinity that a lot of men embody. If a man gives into cravings, one of those cravings being sex and women, so if a man sleeps around, you're not attractive because you're off your masculine center. For a woman, what femininity is? What feminine energy actually is is about exploration, experimenting, expansion. It's doing different things. So if today I want to be soft and I want to relax, okay, tomorrow I want to go to the gym and go to the gym. So the movement and the change, the flow, that's feminine. But if you look at Tantra, for example and it's not just Tantra we have goddesses and some of those goddesses are warriors. Think of Karen right, kali is the angry goddess in a way. We have Durga. They're not soft and surrendered. We have wild goddesses. We have the most hated goddesses and wild, because both of that is feminine. This, what we call feminine, is a gender role that women have played for many generations, but that's not what femininity is, so we've mixed those two terms, but they're different things.

Darron Brown:

Magda, you just dropped some bars because I completely I agree with some of the things that you were saying. Like one of the things you mentioned about feeling needed, I was I'm a go-getter. I've always been that way, you know, whether it was with sports, whether it was with business, whether it was with just growing myself, spirituality, reading books, trying to learn different things. That's just how I am, that's you know. That's how I know I'm enjoying my life as I'm expanding. But I was with a woman before and she felt she started competing with me because of my monetary achievements and you know how was it? Go-getter. And the way that you broke it down helped me understand her more, because in a relationship for her, she likes to feel needed by contributing financially and handling those roles. But if I'm doing that, then it makes her feel insecure. And I'm guessing that's what some men were feeling, because they feel like, okay, if I don't have my wallet, she doesn't need my wallet. Why does she need me? Like she could leave me anytime she want, like what's? What's controlling her and keeping her here? You know, for me personally, at least in this stage in my life, the best thing that a woman can do for me is to actually just support my goals, support me, support my goals and support my growth, because I'm not going to be the same person I am today, 10 years from now, and that's the way that I can give as well. So encourage them to go for their goals and to grow and become a their best self, basically. But, um, you mentioned uh, I love the way you also broke that down with uh, the goddesses of war I had.

Darron Brown:

I did a show in the past and, um, I've been thinking, I've been questioning gender roles and masculinity, femininity as well. You know, um, and one thing that stood out to me was that if you take a look at Greek mythology, greek mythology they did a really good job at having gods that were also male, male gods. They're also also very masculine and feminine. You got to see a variety of different types of male gods, and you also have the same thing with female gods.

Darron Brown:

If you take a look at the Greek goddesses, you know you have the goddess of war I can't think of her name right now but then you also had, like, the really feminine, the lover feminine goddess, and I think that for the last 2000 years, we've kind of and it is due to the patriarchy we kind of had. We focus on one God and it's all one male God, and then basically women are no longer represented in these religions. They don't really talk about the feminine nature, the power of a woman. They mostly talk about how women are basically there to be the um servants of men, and that's kind of like. We're in a society, we're in a transition where we're going away from that way of thinking to find rediscovery, finding something new, you know.

Magda Kay:

Yeah, and, if I may add to this, so you know, when we say we want to be needed, um, notice that what is valuable is really what the society values. Again, this is the same as with business. Right, it's like it doesn't matter if you think your house is worth $2 million. What matters is what are the market things it's worth $2 million? So because women for so long have been, you know, treated like the second class citizens.

Magda Kay:

And if you look at what the society values, these are things like you know, success meaning, like, um, having a high position at work, making a lot of money, having a big um house, a car, et cetera, um, so women feel that the way that they have traditionally contributed is just not valued. So if the society values making money way more than making kids, then I want to be making money, because me making kids doesn't give me any, any recognition, any validation. So why would I do that? And some of the some of the aspects I've been looking at recently that I actually find really fascinating is, um, what the society needs is to like, collectively, is to start valuing women's contribution, because the moment we do this is when women will stop competing with the men. But even notice today, like in Poland it's not as bad, but I think in the U S like um the maternity leave for women. Is it like two months or something Like it's? It's ridiculous.

Darron Brown:

It's not good, it's not good, it's not good.

Magda Kay:

It's ridiculously short and so basically like um, being pregnant, giving birth and nurturing for a newborn this is kind of considered like your side hobby Do everything you want to do and then on the side, have a baby. It's ridiculous. So like, how can we be shocked that women don't want to be doing these roles the same taking care of the house Look, I know plenty of women who love doing this. I actually would be very happy doing this, but not if it's being taken for granted.

Darron Brown:

I get you yes.

Magda Kay:

A lot of the ways that women have been contributing has been taken for granted, but they've seen that, oh, what men do, how men contribute, they get so much validation. So I'm going to do what men do. And this is very dangerous because we still need babies. We actually need the nurturing side of women. So as a society, we need to start valuing them again, and then more women will want to do it because, ultimately, I want to feel needed, I want to feel important, I want to feel that I matter. But if me, giving birth is considered not a big deal, and it's a massive deal. So I think this is also what the society needs to do and hopefully we're going to move in that direction.

Darron Brown:

You make a great point. You know I hear so many guys on the internet. They talk about how women is feminine. You need the woman to stay home. She's cooking, clean, and I was thinking about it. I was just like man. You know you don't really have to worry about a woman wanting to be clean, because if you're dating her, you're courting her. You could just take a look at her car or her house. She keeps herself clean. Most likely, if you guys move in together, she's going to continue to keep it clean and she would expect you to be a clean person too. You know she doesn't want to be a servant. She's not your maid, you know what I'm saying. She's a partner.

Darron Brown:

I love the way you just broke that down, because society we have traditionally, at least in the Western culture, we don't value. We value money. We value people who are career oriented and for the longest men have been in those roles and because of that women are comparing themselves to men. I think that the one thing that we're missing from society is that we don't give men the freedom to explore all the different realms of masculinity. We only focus on becoming a warrior or being that businessman. But a lot of Western men are suffering when it comes to knowing how to be a lover, knowing how to be, you know, just fun and relaxed. And I think that even women although women have more freedoms than they had in the past I don't think women have the freedom to just be who they want to be, whether they want to be like that warrior, princess, or if they want to be, you know, somebody that's a lot more mellow and chill.

Darron Brown:

I think that these social dynamics are definitely playing a role with how we're behaving as an individual in the culture. We're almost at the end, so I want to make sure. I ask you this question. You had a video you mentioned taking the word pussy back. What do you mean by that? Like, what's that all about and why did you even yeah, what are you thinking about, bronn that?

Magda Kay:

Yeah. So like probably every single human on this planet using. I mean, you know the words we use for genitals. These are swear words. Now this is in English.

Magda Kay:

In Polish, for example, we don't even have proper words for your genitals, like these are like medical or like some kind of weird phrases used with kids. So if you don't have a word for something, it kind of makes the thing disappear and that's one of the ways how we've been suppressing sexuality. So of course, I felt very uncomfortable saying this and I am personally, you know, despite my work and talking so openly about sex, I'm actually very like, I'm very subtle, you know, like a polite, good girl, so you don't say certain things. So when I entered the word of Tantra, I discovered the word yoni. So we have lingam for the penis and yoni for the vagina, and you know things like pussy, con, cog, dick, all of them. They're very charged right. So we're like we cannot use them because there's so much emotional baggage connected to them. But yoni was a neutral world. In fact it wasn't even neutral, because both lingam and yoni have this deep meaning Like lingam means a wand, the magic wand, and then yoni means the sacred source, like it's the origins of all creations. So I was like, wow, how beautiful is that.

Magda Kay:

So I started using the word yoni and I think I did it for about a couple of years and then I realized that I am hiding behind this word. Why? Because there's no emotional charge and many people don't understand it, so I can freely say yoni, because no one actually knows what I'm talking about. So I made it a point, it was my conscious point, to reclaim the actual words for genitals, to feel comfortable saying cock, dick, pussy, cunt, and especially for female genitals. And I did read the book Pussy, a Reclamation which I think is great and it also really promotes this idea.

Magda Kay:

But pussy is amazing, or yoni, it's amazing, right? So if I allow anyone to use this word as an offense, then what am I actually doing? Like I'm allowing you to offend the most powerful part of my body, the origins of the whole creation of the universe, like no, you don't get to do that, you don't get to do it. So if you want to call me a cunt or a pussy, I'd be like, yeah, because I took this word back, this idea of taking certain words back. It's very, very, very important for me and that award, where I did.

Magda Kay:

It is God Like when I was younger, god was so charged. It's a neutral word for me, I am not triggered by it at all. I think it's really good to look at certain words right that trigger us because of all the added meaning and claim those words back and because this is when we heal a lot a lot of suppression, a lot of trauma and the old pattern. So if you want to heal your relationship to your sexuality, reclaim these words Like feel comfortable saying balls, saying ass, all of it Comfortable, make it natural for yourself.

Darron Brown:

You know I'm coming from a background where I had a very foul mouth, so I'm cleaning up, I'm working on cleaning up my language. I definitely use those words in foreplay. You know from my experience. It's nice to be fun and kinky every now and then. So since we're at the end of the show, I usually ask my guest this one question. And you've been talking about we've been talking about so many deep topics right now, so I'm pretty sure you're going to have like.

Darron Brown:

I want to know what is your philosophy for life. Hmm, oh, okay.

Magda Kay:

This is not an easy question, because I also say that this changes right Every few years. We discover things, we evolve. At the moment, for me, it's about fulfilling my potential, so I love it that even the Bible says that not using your talents is a sin. And I've experienced I actually have a video about this on YouTube as well but I have experienced stagnation. It was the most painful time in my life when you know that you can do better, you know what you're capable of and you're just stuck in life. You know this feeling when you're like begging God, use me. We want to be used, we want to be again needed and contributed. It's such a powerful need and so I think it's maybe something.

Magda Kay:

Also, I'm 38 right now, so you know, with age, I'm also like looking at how much have I already achieved and to what degree have I been really utilizing my gifts and my talents? And I am right now in the phase of my life where this is my focus. I want to make sure that I am fulfilling my full potential. So my philosophy for life is like find what you're capable of, what you love doing, and I know it's not easy because the society is so loud, like what you're saying before. You don't feel that men and women have actually space to be who they want to be. I fully agree. There's so many like boxes, you know, that are thrown at us. So it requires a bit of work and it's a process to be finding these things, but we all have this instinct inside, like you know what you're capable of. You know. You may not show it, you may not talk about it, but deep inside you know, and for me, what life is about is fulfilling that potential. So that is my current philosophy for life.

Darron Brown:

Thank you, Magda. This was a fun show. You know, I would love to do it again. Actually, I might have to fly out to Europe. We can do it then. But thank you for being here. It was a great show and I'll catch you guys next time.

Magda Kay:

Thank you so much for having me.

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